Chances are if you watched the ESPYs last night you're either way too desperate for sports, a 13-year old girl obsessed with Justin Bieber, a young male perv obsessed with Brooklyn Decker, or you lost your remote. While I qualify for that third option with flying colors, I chose not to watch ESPN's annual celebration of the day after the MLB All-Star Game because it's a silly, meaningless display of ass-kissing. I mean, how the hell can you claim that Jimmer Fredette was better than Kemba Walker or that the Dallas Mavericks were a better team than the San Francisco Giants or the Green Bay Packers? It's speculative and lazy, and anyone who takes it seriously (SPOILER ALERT: The athletes don't) needs to put down the second helping of Totino's Pizza Rolls and step outside for some fresh air.
But damn ESPN and their wicked manipulation, because they know better than to just give us straight-forward sports. The World Wide Leader used Decker, Emmanuelle Chiqrui, Amber Heard, Rachel Nichols, and, for the ladies, Ryan Reynolds to make us think that this is actually a worthwhile event, and not just an ad revenue source for the year's worst day of sports. It's diabolical, sure. But we're stuck with it, so we can either keep fighting or we can give in and agree to stare at Decker and the rest of the attractive women (and men, for the two girls that read this site).
After the jump, the best of the Red Carpet, ESPYs, and the post-show thing where people stand around and smile.
(Photos via Daylife.)
"Hey Brooklyn, who are you wearing?"
"Why, it's the latest from Fruit Roll-Up."
Like a young Rachel Hunter without Rod Stewart's old ass flopping on top of her.
Sure, you can have my bank account numbers, social security number, and the registration to my car.
Hey Brooklyn, why don't you relax a little?
There ya go.
Don't bother, Tim. I've tried prayer, too.
If Tim started crying right here, I would forgive him.
You know that cartoon wolf with the eyes shooting out of his head? Yeah. That.
I don't care what he says, he tried.
Come on, get closer...
So awkward now.
Late to the party again, Andrews. Maybe bring Kate Upton next time.
When I first saw Emmanuelle in
Space 100 Girls, I thought she was going to conquer the world. Now I feel like she failed to live up to her hype. She's like the Colby Rasmus of hot actresses.
I don't even want to know how many bad Bjork jokes were made.
I would watch Soul Surfer if NOFX is on the soundtrack.
Hey Lindsey, do you have a sister for my friend?
Awesome, let's play Mario Kart.
Damaris is a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, so we love her.
ESPN should have a graphic that posts the key attributes of each ESPY celebrity so Jon Gruden can pop up and yell, "This girl right here, this girl's got legs for days!"
I'm still trying to figure out if I like Chris Evans. I mean, he seems like a cool guy, but then again, Cellular was AWFUL.
Oh yeah, Seth Meyers hosted, so I'm sure he told some jokes and then looked around as if he expects raucous laughter.
Justin Timberlake, of course, is required to attend everything.
Meanwhile, it's the kid who wore a Texas Rangers jacket with a San Francisco Giants hat during last year's World Series.
Get it? Because he presented with a racecar driver? Stop, ESPN, I'm pissing myself.
All the money in the world and not a single penny for taste. If only Brian Wilson would show up and teach him a thing or two.
Finally, some style and elegance.
Oh yeah, work it, B.
"F*CK YOU, DALLAS MAVERICKS!"
"Whatever, we beat LeBron."
They also make appearances in my dreams.
ESPN had a pair of actors reenact this famous scene from the Vancouver rioting, because it's funny, you see.
Kiefer wasn't presenting, he was just upset that the ESPY wasn't a bottle.
"Haha, good one, Jay!"
Can someone introduce Jonah Hill to Wayne Knight?
Who are three men who lost their wristwatches inside of models last night?
Amber Heard is, of course, Seth Rogen's believable girlfriend in Pineapple Express, while Cee Lo is a music star and Cam Newton will be giving back a Heisman Trophy eventually.
Oh hey, Amber, do you have any plans for after the show?
My apologies, Cee Lo. I didn't mean to impose.
Haha, you're the coolest, Cee Lo!
Hi Maria, have you met Rachel Nichols?
Rachel, have you met Maria Sharapova?
Well hello, ladies. Say, do you girls have any Hebrew in you? Want some?
DAMN YOU, AMAR'E STOUDAMIRE!