Worst: Bullies Don’t Cause Anorexia Angles, They Cause Bulimia Angles

This, in case you’ve forgotten, was Piggy James.

The idea here was that LayCool (may they rest in peace) were mean and jealous, so they started calling Mickie James fat. If you watch the video you will recall that Mickie James had basically the hottest body a human being can have and wore size negative 11 jeans and was not fat. LayCool were going to gang up on her, shove some cake in her mouth and humiliate her. Mickie would get her revenge, beat the bones out of Michelle McCool, and that would be the end of the angle.

The problem is that the Internet got wind of a rumor that WWE was unhappy with Mickie’s weight in real life (because they are psychos), and that gave the stuff on TV a weird stink. Then, when LayCool beat her up and dumped punch on her head, she just knelt there in the ring sobbing , instead of getting up and flipping out and screaming about how she was gonna kick LayCool’s ass, which is what happened in ACW recently when JT Lamotta pulled something similar on Rachel Summerlyn. Rachel stood up for herself, and then at the next show she kicked Lamotta’s ass. Mickie sobbed because she secretly AGREED with LayCool that she was too fat, and nobody on the announce team made a clear enough point that she wasn’t and that LayCool were mean and jealous, and before you knew it LayCool were still on top and Mickie was fired. Because she was fat.

Something similar is starting to go down between Kelly Kelly and the Bella Twins, because the only two things WWE thinks a woman can feel are “I’m better than you” and “I’m prettier than you”. The Bellas (who I need to remind you weigh a combined 80 pounds) ran down Kelly for being too skinny, needing to eat, and for wearing makeup because she has acne. Of course, this angle needs to end at Money in the Bank with Kelly doing her Angry Butthole Rub in Brie’s face, K-Drilling her (or whatever she calls it) into oblivion, then sitting on her chest and eating a yellow bell pepper while “Holla” plays.

That’s what should happen, but I’m not holding my breath. There’s a better chance that Kelly will lose and be fired for being too skinny and sleeping with a bunch of dudes.

Worst: The Way Kelly Kelly Holds a Belt

Kelly Kelly Diva's title

Seriously, what’s going on with this? It looks too big for her to wear as a belt, and her shoulder isn’t big enough to support it that way, so she’s basically got to hold it out to the side of her body at shoulder height as she walks. Can’t you just wear it like a bandolier? Now we know why Melina was always wearing it like a bra, it was the only place on her body with enough surface area to keep it up.

Best: The Bella Twins are Shoot Hilarious

It’s like watching Paul Rudd stammer through a comedic retort, except in real life. I’m going to pretend like they aren’t just f**king up on the reg and assume they are improv masters, and “Why don’t you get some ProActiv, it worked for Kelly Kelly, I mean Katy Perry, yeah, and except you’re no teenage dream!” is a meta “South Africa, such as” interpretation of WWE micspeak.

Worst: Time to Pack It In, Melina

I think that weird, long intro shot of Melina sitting on the turnbuckles yammering and making faces to apparently nobody is a big neon sign easing us into release. I actually really like Melina, which is weird because I hate John Morrison so much, and personally I think another three or four years of pointless wardrobe changes and show-to-show unpushes is still required for that two years or so when she wore thongs and did splits in a skirt. But the writing is on the Facebook wall, and it doesn’t say “WWE likes this”.

Man, I wish they gave Newberry Medals for excellence in the field of wrestling blogging.

Anyway, I look forward to posing with Melina at Wizard World Austin and hoped she saved up a ton of money, because she seems like a nice person, and I wish her and most of her teeth well on their future endeavors.