Worst: That GM Noise is Not Getting the Heat You Want
Our fantastic opening to Raw was neutered in a split second by some flickering lights and an iPhone message noise. The reaction of the crowd isn’t “boo”, it’s “ah sh:t”. That’s not good. Listen to how molten hot they are for Cena and Punk, then pay attention to how molten freezing f**king cold they are for the GM’s commercial break, announcement and handicap match. These people had to go buy foam You Can’t See Me hands because they’d spent seven minutes ass-pressing the blood out of their real ones.
It’s time to do away with the general manager concept or give it a face and a name that can benefit, and I’m not just saying that because my girlfriend goes WHO IS THE ANONYMOUS GENERAL MANAGER every time it chimes. I DON’T KNOW DESTINY, GOD.
Best: Mark Henry Ensures a Total Lack of Peace
I’ve mentioned it before, but Mark Henry is doing some of the best and most effective work of his 380 year career and it is being completely overshadowed by CM Punk and will be forgotten in a month. I will talk more about Mark Henry racing across the stage like that rhino you can ride in Donkey Kong Country later, I just wanted to say how awesome this video package is. The only way it could’ve been better is if they’d distorted his IT BURN WHEN YOU CRY death poem for Owen Hart into the background somewhere. Or crying babies.
Worst: Tag Teams Are Music Videos on MTV
I can only think of two things off the top of my head that are less funny than a Dead Baby Joke, and they are as follows:
1. That joke where you replace “ESP” with “ESPN” because you’re supposed to be psychic, but are also dumb. This is the laziest joke ever and unless you are Kimmie Gibbler you should not be making it.
2. Any reference to MTV playing music videos, followed by a “heh, but MTV doesn’t PLAY music videos anymore!”
That one sucks a lot, because yeah, f**khead, MTV doesn’t play music videos anymore and they haven’t for like 10 years. It’s like complaining that SpikeTV doesn’t play enough episodes of “Hee-Haw”. The state of tag team wrestling in WWE has become the MTV Doesn’t Play Music Videos Anymore of online wrestling discussion, and I think last night’s handicap match is the official marking of moratorium on the talking point.
This isn’t the first time WWE has had one guy beat up two guys without breaking a sweat, and it’s not the first time those two guys have been tag team champions. Hell, this isn’t the first time Cena’s done it. It’s always bad, and it’s always a sad look at the easiest kind of exciting wrestling to build and execute, but it’s time for us to get over it. The Bulldogs and the Hart Foundation and the Smackdown Six were great, but Michael McGillicutty rocking his Exodus of the Beginning of the Start of the Chinlock while wearing a hieroglyphics collector’s plate on his stomach is a white flag. We give up, and we should be gracious in our defeat.
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I will talk more about Mark Henry racing across the stage like that rhino you can ride in Donkey Kong Country later…
THIS. Forget me volunteering to do a drunk recap of Smackdown Brandon. As long as you write this stuff to make me bust out laughing in the law library, I could never hold a candle.
Watching CM Punk makes me want to listen to Minot Threat.
Also, my brother coached for football at a D3 school against Cena when Cena played at Springfield College.
/cool story bro
*coached football
@UU – Ask him how often Cena gave up, and see if the answer is “never”.
Great stuff. Hell yeah on the Bella Twins and their totally intentional comedy stylings.
“But the writing is on the Facebook wall, and it doesn’t say “WWE likes this”.”
I can’t even believe you made this joke faceticiously, but I laughed anyway.
Goddamn did I love those ice cream bars.
Aside from the poop rug bit, I thought Cena was okay at the end of the show. What I liked best was that Cena and Punk both had valid arguments that did not contradict each other. They’re both “right”, they just have different value systems.
Also of note: Cena can beat someone in less than five moves. So can Kelly Kelly now. If they keep her around (they will totally keep her around), those two could be the 5:95 match to posing-after-match ratio power couple.
As for Serena, she’s busy over in Smash beating wrestlers much better than her, approximately once a month.
@Greene – She’s also busy losing to Five Star Amanda Fox in my state’s awesome American Joshi tournaments.
everything in this review re: punk/cena/mcmahon is dead on. tired gimmicks/promos/wrestlers past their prime are good for a quick, fart-noises ‘HURR, HORNSWAGGLE IS UGLY, SHORT, AND CAN’T TALK’ laugh, but it’s not what consistently puts people in the seats and tunes people into PPVs. punk’s past few weeks on the mic have been arguably the best promo work in the history of the company. to make matters worse (better?), cena is stepping his game up just by association. his facial expressions at the end of RAW last night honestly had me convinced he was thinking ‘holy shit, is punk right? am i really no longer the underdog? have i really sold myself out?’ a part of me wants this to be the beginning of a pseudo-heel turn for Cena, but I think we all know that can/will never happen. I was also pleased to see that Vince took a backseat for most of the final piece, interjecting only when necessary.
also, how the hell can you NOT bring up Cena’s miraculous resurrection of his Boston accent? I don’t think he could have laid it on any thicker.
OWAH HUSTLE/LAWYALTY/RESPECT IS BETTAH THAN YOUAH HUSTLE/LAWYALTY/RESPECT. NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who is the uploader that does not make these videos available in Canada? OUR WINDOW TO THE INTERNET ONLY OPENS UP THREE DAYS A W
I think K2 holds the belt that way because across the waist or over the shoulder would be covering sexy spots
@THAT is a DISGUSTING ACT — I’m pretty sure if Cena turned heel and became Tommee, the Internet would explode.
I need Colt Cabana to run in. I predict a double reverse turn!
Kelly should hold the belt over her head with one arm, but her (sticklike) arm would get tired. It seems like that’s what her turnbuckle pose was meant for, because otherwise why does she have one arm in the air?
It’s as if, when she was in the gorilla position for the first time, somebody told her “When you’re posing on the turnbuckle, either put up your hands or point at the crowd or something”, but then she blanked when she got up there and kinda did both and now she’s stuck with it as her signature pose.
Shots of Mark Henry yelling whilst they put Godzilla noises over him need to be in EVERY VIDEO MONTAGE.
It’s not a contract signing unless there is sweet, sweet table flipping. CHECK.
Man, I got a WWF Ice Cream Bar from a truck about… god, five years ago now and it was fantastic. Should I have been concerned that it had Edge and Christian 5-second posing on it? And that on the back was a sparkle-shirt first appearance Chris Jericho cutout standee? MAYBE.
Anyone else find it funny Punk was getting a bigger pop in Boston than Cena?
When Cena broke out the Boston accent last nigt, all I could do was sit up in my chair and yell “WHERE’D YA PAHK DA FAHKIN’ CAH,BOO-BOO?”
With all the speculation over the Kings of Wrestling going to WWE, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a KRS-ONE in Cena’s future.
@John – I know it won’t happen at Money in the Bank, at least, because Chris Hero is going to be here in Austin wrestling for ACW.
Another entertaining read. Tuesday’s are quickly becoming my favorite day of the week. . . behind Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Wednesday.
Hopefully the K2/Bella Twins feud ends at the pay per view. I actually think the Twins have a lot of potential and could be huge in the WWE.
Lesson learned here? That being a part of the New York Yankees is akin to having gay sex with Eric Bischoff.
BOY I SWURR HOW DID JOO KNOW ABOUT THAT
Sunday’s going to be an exciting day, and it’s been a while since I’ve felt that way about a WWE PPV. There’s really no shortage of good ways they could go with this, and the fact that they’ve more or less managed to keep the details about Punk’s future under wraps is pretty impressive. I’m still at about 60% odds that next week at this time we’re pondering how they fucked it up, but the other 40% is a legit 40% (c)Peter King.
Also, HBO should immediately reconvene Seinfeld, Louis, Rock, and Gervais for a new hour special devoted entirely to the depth of that R-Truth bit.
As always, I loved this. Great article, and I’m glad that when Punk (and Vince, and Cena during the first promo and some of the second) are doing stuff this good, there’s an entertaining, funny and intelligent post written about the whole thing, so it’s not just me on Twitter writing AAAARGH AMAZING over and over again.
I really enjoyed the whole thing, but I think my favourite part is probably the list of Cena’s points he likes to make.
Oh and yeah, as much as I am really enjoying Mark Henry these days, and agree that he was awesome here, I really do hope this isn’t the untimely end of Drew Mac. I didn’t actually get that feeling, but I guess stranger things have happened.
I can’t wait for Sunday. I’m going to a bachelor party weekend in Amsterdam for a few days, and over here the PPVs start at 01:00 AM, and I am still determined to stay up late to watch it.
the six man tag was just basic build-up, i think you’re too harsh on it
great write-up, though, this cm punk stuff is making my balls ache in a good way
Got decent tix off craigslist for MITB. Haven’t regularly watched the WWE or been to a live show in a decade but due to the recent buzz regarding Punk thought I’d check it out. Bandwagon fairweather indeed but I’ve tried to watch WWE over the last few years but the matches suck. For nostalgia’s sake I’ll support the hometown main-eventer in our hometown to show approval for recent events.
Sooooooooo…who is the anonymous GM? Seriously. Argh.
I think the anonymous GM is a 4chan hack or someone that worked for News of the World, WWE has no control over it
McIntyre had an outstanding match with Zack Ryder on Superstars this past week.
Is it obvious to anyone else that Cena was impersonating Peter Griffin during the last 10 minutes?
@Cunning Linguist – Yeah, a lot of people pointed that out, and I should’ve written something about it. I think I’m too ashamed of my own weird mish-mashed Virginia/Ohio/Florida/Texas accent to dissect anyone else’s, but yeah, he was doing everything short of hoisting the American flag to get those people behind him.
Ohio and Florida have accents?
If this leads to Punk bringing back the Pepsi Plunge, we’re all winners.
You must have been in some shitty e-feds.
Primetime Championship Wrestling RIP
Oh and seriously 411wrestling is the fucking worst, I’m so thrilled you mentioned that.
Hey… I like 411 Wrestling… and 411mania. *cough*
What I wouldn’t give for an CM Punk ice pop with the two hard gum eyeballs that sends your teeth to Crackton.
I only go to 411 for the MMA news and pics they swipe from egotastic. I stopped reading their wrestling news ages ago. We/someone needs to go to their review of Monday Night Raw and tell them that they get owned here every week. Like a lot of people, I love reading this on Tuesdays.
Thanks, Mike.
I don’t have anything against 411 that I don’t have against any other copypasta site, I just use them as a catch-all for wrestling writers on the Internet who’ve decided things without putting a lot of thought into it. Were you aware Stone Cold Steve Austin is one of the best wrestlers of the last 25 years??? (well yes you did obviously, jesus)
I don’t mean to turn this into a 411/With Leather battle royale that sounds that it could be an awesome Extreme Warfare Revenge scenario. I am a fan of both sites, but more specifically, a big fan of your work, Brandon. You rock, homes.
Did you just make a fucking Dick Trimmins reference?
Cleveland All-Pro Wrestling represent!
@Erik – This is actually my second or third CAPW reference in these things. You can thank WWE NXT’s Derrick Bateman for reminding me about Dick Trimmins. I probably would’ve just made it a Christian Faith reference otherwise.
@Brandon–
Sorry to be late on the uptick, but shameful accents are shameful accents. I unfortunately sympathize. As someone who grew up in eastern OH/northern panhandle of WV, I have an flyover land/yinzer/”y’all” (if I’ve been drinking) combination that is….just awful.
I was always more of a Jericho guy… Not a SCSA guy at all. The antics of Austin were always entertaining and the “E” did a great job of marketing the guy but Give me Jericho. His WCW stuff was golden. Rufus personal security, the man of 1004 holds (ARRRMBAAAAR), the whole conspiracy thing when he lost the cruiserweight belt and his “YEAH BABY!” pin were some of my favourites. Also, speaking of accents, I live in Newfoundland Canada and we are constantly taking shit for our accents but whatever…I love it.
i honestly nearly shat myself reading the second mark henry section. everything you say here is on par. bravo sir.