If real life carried hashtags, there would be a big #whitepeopleproblems at the end of every story about David Ortiz flipping his bat after a home run and pissing off the Yankees. The way people have been reacting you’d think he flipped his bat, punched Mark Teixeira in the dick on the way around, blew a kiss to A.J. Burnett on his way past third and toppled a makeshift set of Red Sox-played bowling pins as he pantomimed an exploding bomb at home plate. Nope, he basically just did what he always did, and even the smallest charismatic outbursts must be smothered to death by Major League Baseball.
Before you read today’s Dugout, click the hashtag up there and catch up on the story. When you’re done, be sure to hop over to Facebook and “like” The Dugout, so you can have an additional page on the Internet where I’m begging you to leave comments.
Today’s Dugout follows.
The Dugout
 | OrtizItThisOne: oh ok so you aren’t upset with me for flipping my bat at all |
|---|---|
 | GirardiAndCola: upset? pshhh, whatever, that’s just the media, the "liberal media" blowing things out of proportion again |
| GirardiAndCola: you know how the liberal media can be |
| OrtizItThisOne: mmhm, they can be extremely liberal |
| GirardiAndCola: but nooo, you can flip the bat however you want, just because I don’t CARE for it doesn’t mean I’m upset, heh, I mean I haven’t even heard the guys talking about it |
| OrtizItThisOne: ok |
| GirardiAndCola: mmm, have you had a chance to try Jorge Posada’s sangria? /sips putrid, clotted liquid out of brandy snifter |
| OrtizItThisOne: is that some kind of sex thing, I can never tell with you guys |
| OrtizItThisOne: one time jeter asked me if I remembered kevin maas, and I said yeah, but it turned out no, no I did not remember what he calls kevin maas |
| GirardiAndCola: mmm no it’s delicious /barf-swallows |
| OrtizItThisOne: happy you came in here and ate some crow, I was gonna tell you to "take it like a man" |
| GirardiAndCola: eat crow? No, I’m not Dominican, I don’t eat crow |
| OrtizItThisOne: /glares |
| GirardiAndCola: no I just wanted to explain myself, because I said "David Ortiz can go f**k himself" and the media, you know the media, they just blew it out of proportion |
| GirardiAndCola: A.J.’s not upset. A.J., are you upset? |
 | BurnettAfterReading: No, I’m not upset. I was just talking to Dave Barry over at Grantland.com about it. |
| BurnettAfterReading: He’s gonna turn it into a 700,000 word essay! |
| OrtizItThisOne: about what |
| BurnettAfterReading: well, baseball, a little, but mostly some TV show … sorry, he told me, but I forgot what he said four seconds later |
| GirardiAndCola: Mark’s not mad. Mark, are you mad? |
 | TeixMeix: Of course not, skip! I’m prayin’ for him! |
| OrtizItThisOne: you pray a lot, then |
| TeixMeix: Yup! I got hit by a pitch and prayed that Our Lord™ would heal my wounds. And today I feel sort of better! |
| TeixMeix: just goes to show you the power of prayer, and not time or our our bodies |
| OrtizItThisOne: cool story bro |
| OrtizItThisOne: nah the yanks are fine, I know you aren’t mad, I’ve hit 370 bombs in the big leagues and only bat flipped this one, against ya’ll, so you knew how much I hated and owned you |
| GirardiAndCola: mm it’s mostly the Red Sox who’ve been rankled. I know Tito was especially rankled. |
 | FranconaBun: What’s rankled? My pants are rankled! |
| OrtizItThisOne: /facepalm |
| FranconaBun: what my pants "continue to be painful and fester", isn’t that what "rankled" means |
 | KingOfPap: my pance are rankled i slep innem |
| GirardiAndCola: Aren’t you supposed to be suspended? |
| KingOfPap: coach daddy help me peel it |
| FranconaBun: That’s "appeal" it, Jonathan. |
| GirardiAndCola: Shut up RANKLER, nobody asked you! |
| OrtizItThisOne: YOU SHUT UP, TAKE THIS LIKE A MAN /flips bat |
| GirardiAndCola: BLEAARHH |
 | MannyTheTorpedoes: jennaman jennaman pleace yor innerupten game of spies |
| KingOfPap: u wan keep playen spies |
| MannyTheTorpedoes: k what do spies do |
| KingOfPap: get spended |
| GirardiAndCola: He retired! He can’t be here! He’s not allowed in this chatroom! He quit baseball because of drugs and fled the country! |
| MannyTheTorpedoes: happen offscreen, evry1 forget no1 curr |
| GirardiAndCola: /gets rankled |
| TeixMeix: I’m sorry, did one of you say you were going to "pray spies" |
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com
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This was cranked up to ten, then, boom! Manny shows up and it gets cranked up to eleven.
Great work B. It made this Yankees fan forget for a few minutes how much I hate the Red Sox.
/thinks Papelbon has the potential to be the next Prof. Farnsworth
FUCK YES. SPIES.
If leaving comments leads to more Dugouts, then I am leaving the SHIT out of this comment.
/ride bieks
“happen offscreen, evry1 forget no1 curr”
Manny. That is all.
I prayed there would be a new Dugout a few days ago and then this happened! God is truly great.
Has anyone ever done an in-depth study about why so many ballplayers are Jesus freaks? It’s weird and sad and annoying.
Papelbon! Manny! I’m so unrankled right now.
Manny out of nowhere!
“rankled” is new to me, must be an old-timey word.
Yay!
/worthwhile comment
Can something unrankle you? Because I think this unrankled me.
“pray spies” frickin epic.
I’m not Dominican, I don’t eat crow.
/flips bat
Man, Mark Teixeira continues to remind me so much of Andy Pettitte, and this Dugout does not help to dispel that. /rankled
@LB – Teixeira reminds me of Jared from Subway, and I have to refrain from mentioning it in every single Dugout he’s in.
I think the amount of baseball players who are religious is comparable to the population at large.
Philip, I have no evidence on which to base this, but I suspect that’s not true at all.
BLEAARHH is my new favorite
@Brandon – haha, they’re kind of all in the same vein, plus or minus a little Jesus?
Oh, how I missed you, Papelbon. I fully expect him to fill my weekly bizarre baseball-playing man-child quota now that Manny’s laying low and the Red Sox have stopped sucking lemons.
Needs some sort of Anthony Weiner reference
The Yankees-Red Sox antics are kind of like pro wrestling, except I don’t think the players are acting. They just need to rumble and then they’ll all feel better. I know I will. Keep up the good work B.
hahahaha
Is pray spies what Shin-Soo Choo does?
I like your posts. I always share them on facebook. Here is a comment, fucko.
Man, it’s going to be sad when Paps leaves Boston or Papi retires. I loved the bat flip so much I almost forgot about Ortiz’s whole steroids thing a few years back.
I hope I never remember Kevin Maas
@Noah
“Brofeld Noooooooo”
YES. But I was really hoping for a “Manny Being Manogrammy” joke or something.
I don’t know if I can deal with Manny in a Rays hat for the rest of the Dugout’s existence. It just seems wrong.
I like the dugout, despite not really caring for baseball. I also like that with leather is hosting the dugout.
Solid work. Ended nicely.
(morewrestlingstuff,though,too,please)
Maybe he should have punched Mark Teixeira in the dick.
You keep asking for comments, but all I have to offer is “I love this feature and have loved it since the P-Boi days. Please keep it up”.
/shows self out
@Kevin – That is a fantastic comment, thank you. Oh, wait, you left already. Shit.
This whole thing was blown so far out of proportion. Of course Joe “[hadn't] heard” from the locker room that Papi would get plunked, even though he did. What a group of punks.
Genius, my man. Genius.
/collects save
My pance isn’t rankled. I ain’t wearing nun.
“jennaman, ennaman” is pretty much how I’m going to break up all arguments between my friends now.
I am truly, truly sorry I waited to long to check in. I really needed a “play spies” joke today – not sure why that joke is still so f***ing hilarious after all these years, but I won’t try and figure it out.
Weeks behind here, but I just laughed out loud at work because of this. Thank you.