Worst: Alberto Del Rio is Getting Wade Barretted
Poor Alberto. I think feuding with The Big Show is your default “sorry, we don’t know what to do with you” spot. It’s made even worse when your feud with The Big Show involves one of those pre-taped vehicular manslaughter segments and a midget/lackey dressed up as your opponent. All they need to do is add a birthday cake, a stunt fall through some obviously cardboard boxes and the in-ring comedy of John Morrison to make this the most obvious thing of all time.
Alberto Del Rio should’ve been the champion back at Wrestlemania. Think about what would’ve been different. Edge would’ve never done that spear to Brodus Clay that made him retire. Christian wouldn’t have had a cup of coffee with the World Heavyweight Title and wouldn’t be locked in this endless loop of losing to Randy Orton. Del Rio might be having a CP (the PPV, not the other CP) match against Daniel Bryan or Sin Cara right now. The only downside is that we would’ve lost that Big Show/Peter Griffin segment from a few weeks ago, but that’s the kind of thing I’m willing to sacrifice. Edge, you shouldn’t have dropped an elbow on his car — you ruined his life.
Also, does anybody know what Wade Barrett is doing right now? Is he selling insurance?
Best: Zack Ziggler On Raw!
Michael Cole deserves the biggest and most thorough “worst” for messing up Zack Ryder’s name during the only match we’re going to see him wrestle on Raw. The Superstars-on-Raw theme continued with Ryder taking on Kingston, and honestly, I don’t care that Ryder got in about four seconds of offense, I just feel happy for the guy. I’m emotionally attached to one of the Edge Heads. I want to see him succeed, because he seems like a funny, nice guy. Is that a bad reason to support a professional wrestler? I think that’s why I liked Dusty Rhodes when I was little. He shook his Santa belly and wanted to do what was right.
Anyway, the match was okay, highlighted by Ryder’s chest bump, which is like being through the looking glass on every college dorm fight ever.
Best/Worst: Ziggler and Vickie on Commentary
Dolph Ziggler has never sounded great on the microphone. I mean, I guess when he was screaming his name with the Spirit Squad he was pretty good, but his charisma is mostly in what he does, not what he says. I said that about Edge and Christian, too, because they randomly showed up on Raw after Wrestlemania and were hilarious surfers. Ziggler may’ve had his hilarious surfer moment here, doing commentary and managing to put himself, Vickie, Zack Ryder and Twitter over in the process. This is a best.
The production team gets a worst for cutting to them on commentary every four seconds, causing us to miss about 75 seconds of the 80 second Zack Ryder match. They’re on commentary, we can hear them. We don’t need to see them actually saying things. You’ve got a worst almost any time we see the announcers actually saying things.
Vickie gets two additional bests here: one for looking great (Lawler really should’ve apologized to her for last week) and one for not being able to stop shoot laughing at the dumb jokes.
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You might be onto something with the Cena narrator/protagonist thing. I generally like Cena, but HATE the moments when he’s interrupted doing something and he uses a random, nonsensical pop culture reference as an exasperated curse instead of, y’know, just cursing. Like, when the GM chime went off last night, Cena didn’t say “Aw hell, what now?” It was something like “By the beard of Optimus Prime, what now?” These references are so, so, SO forced.
I applaud your use of “jort” as a verb.
bests: vince calling truth “R”. kelly kellys frankenstiener and a sin cara/undertaker snake eyes like arm attack.
worsts: no rima fakih,
i think the bellas and their capes should be a heel stable with maryse and hers. it seems they hang out together.
the ppv is so doomed.
Great article as always.
Perhaps the GM’s bi-polar disorder is intentional? Meltzer was all “this is TNA bad” this morning, but maybe, just maybe, this is a seed planted to bring in brain damaged Mick Foley, or perhaps MULTIPLE people are the GM which would explain the year long run of being heel and face within the same show.
But WWE lets me down 9 times out of 10, which is why I became an internet smark to begin with.
I would also like to applaud your use of jort as a verb, I just might use it myself whenever possible. I live in Virginia, and I was surprised more folks weren’t vocally outraged at seeing a black guy dressed as a Confederate general, calling southern heroes”inbred rednecks”. But I suppose no body wants R Truth to throw a drink in their face either. Also, I’m pretty sure Truth really thought he was talking to Obama in that promo.
Aw, c’mon, I liked Andy!
You know they’ll both be in the system anyway.
For once, I watched Raw instead of just waiting for your Best/Worst; as soon as I saw R-Truth come out, I knew he’d be a Best.
I can’t figure out if Swagger blatantly staring at Trish’s tits was an intentional character thing or legitimate lechery. I guess when your wife has a sex tape costarring not you you get a little free reign to do that sort of thing.
Also, now that Kharma’s pregnant I bet she’s super-pissed that she ruined all those dolls.
Where the hell was I during Kelly’s ECW time?
Good writing.
I hope the GM turns out to be someone we’ve never seen before. Just some executive in a suit that no one recognizes. The build at this point is such that no reveal will live up to the suspense so to hell with it.
John Morrison has become your reference point for sucking. It’s amusing. Just rewatch old Dirt Sheets and think about what could have been.
I’ve gotten to the point where in half of the three hours next week is taken up with Truth pointing at and explaining things around him, I’m totally on board.
By the way, where the hell was the GM two weeks ago when Bret Hart did THE EXACT SAME MOTHERFUCKING THING AUSTIN DID, only the decision wasn’t reversed?
“Cole even did his elevated CAN EVAN BOURNE CAPITALIZE WHEN WE COME BACK voice, but they stayed on the action. I was, lit-trully? In love with it.”
Haha, is this the Chris Traeger voice?
Having watched WWE for as long as I have, I’m sure the GM — if they ever do in fact reveal who it is — will just be a shoehorned-in Shawn Michaels or whomever, but I’m legitimately pulling for somebody like Foley who has in-character brain damage. The man was three different people in the span of one Royal Rumble, so maybe he was heel Mankind when he reversed the decision and face Dude Love when he made Austin GM for next week.
Me, I’m pulling for Norman Smiley, who developed trauma-induced schizophrenia the one time he forgot to wear his football helmet and got dropped on his head by The Wall or whoever.
@Aude – Yep. That voice is, litrully? My favorite voice to do.
I’m glad other people are fully behind R Truth’s complete mental tour de force. I usually fast forward through those awful CP dream sequences, but right when I saw those metal piercing shimmers and greasy dreads I backtracked immediately.
Also, if the rumors are true and this is his Main Event blow off match, please, please build him up with Kofi for the US title leading into SummerSlam. It’ll totally jive with his succeeding angle and pair a great voice with a great worker.
Luke does the most extreme overcompensation of secret homosexuality I’ve ever seen. I have no problem with anyone’s sexual preference, but all I could think during the last episode of Tough Enough where Luke says “GOD BLESS HOT BABES” or something was the visual image of him crying on a guy friend after experimenting the first time.
I could’ve SWORN Luke was going to win this. The guy is baby Orton, cut from the mold of that hairless type of twink they always sign. I thought I was going to have to listen to his “this is how we’re supposed to talk” interviews for the rest of my life.
Come on, Luke never had a chance. Andy’s big and tall, Luke isn’t. And if there’s one thing WWE knows, it’s that small people do horrible things (see: Daniel Bryan choking the ring announcer with cloth; Sin Cara trying to do anything).
That is, unless you’re really small, in which case the boss will inexplicably love you forever and allow you to rap for Snoop Dogg.
Outside of The Dugout and PGA (obviously) Best and Worst is your writing I enjoy the most. You make it seem effortless.
On the subject of Tough Enough was I the only one rooting for Jeremiah?
We didn’t find out he had a kid until, like, 2 minutes before he was eliminated. If there’s one thing I respect it’s someone who realizes that no one gives a shit about hearing about your kids. If there’s a second thing I respect it’s removable front teeth.
Luke was heeling it up SO MUCH, I’m absolutely amazed that they didn’t have him give an evil “I’ll be back!” promo.
We’ll see Luke again soon on Smackdown, competing against Chavo and Andy Levine (pause) “Silent Rage” for the Intercontinental title or some shit.
Anybody else hear Cena yell “Bulldog” to the Miz right before he bulldog’d him? I know it goes on and that’s how they can put on a good show, but anytime I hear them yelling cues, it really deflates the enjoyment.
Man, I’d love it if the Raw GM was just like, Jack Tunney, Jr.
Always look forward to these on Tuesdays.