Best: Jack Swagger and Trish Stratus
Trish Stratus and Jack Swagger have never had a natural sounding conversation on television in their life, but for some reason when they come together they have outstanding chemistry. Jack talks to Booker and he’s all, “WHY DOAN YOU HAVE A WASSLIN MADCH WIF DA ALL AMAWICAN AMAWICAN AMAWICAN AMAWICAN etc.” but when he turns to Trish he’s all, “heh, hey Trish” in that perfect, American frat boy with a crush kind of way. Trish’s matter-of-fact “hello jack swagger” was also great, especially since Trish always sounds like she’s on an infomercial and doesn’t mean anything she’s saying.
I’m not saying you should put them in a romance angle or anything, but Trish and Jack seem to make it work together, and if I was the type who had a Deviant Art page and knew what “shipping” was I would ship them. Of course, my shipping wouldn’t involve Swagger losing badly to a 40-something retired tag team wrestler before being emasculated by an athletic, smiling 12-year old, but I don’t write for Deviant Art OR wrestling, so what do I know.
Best: Punk vs. Mysterio 2 (Hundred)
I have a bad habit of comparing the performance of a current wrestler to the performances of those who came before him, so I think Mason Ryan might be the f**king worst person ever at outside interference. You are the size of a goddamn mobile assault vehicle, you should be able to do more to 3-foot-6 Rey Mysterio than climb up on the apron and stand there Welshing at him. I’ve seen everybody from Christy Hemme to Nicole Bass reach in under the rope and grab a foot, you can’t do that? You cut the sleeves off of your shirt, you should have that mobility.
Anyway, Punk vs. Mysterio was as all right-to-great as you’d expect from them, and these days a 9-minute match on Raw feels like a 60-minute Broadway. People should put away the “TOO MANY 619s!” talking point for Rey, because he seems to have taken it to heart, and (at least against Punk, who is better than most) seems to be trying to work in the stupid “lay across the middle rope like you would never do in a match against anyone else” thing naturally, and only once or twice per match. Punk hit the backdrop earlier in the match, so him going for another one was a great place for Mysterio to escape and dropkick him in the ass. The finish was really fun for this one, if you make sure to look at it from behind Mason Ryan.
Hopefully next week we’ll get Punk Mysterio 3, so Mysterio can get two wins in a row and not look vulnerable ever.
Worst: WWE All Star Night
What’s the best way to sell a three-hour pay-per-view featuring wrestlers from the Raw and Smackdown brands? By having a free, three-hour Raw featuring wrestlers from the Raw and Smackdown brands! Kofi Kingston will be making an appearance, I hear!
WWE All Star Night should involve an appearance from the Ultimate Warrior, a Sheamus vs. Bret Hart match, and five minutes devoted to watching Shawn Michaels try to backflip to the top rope from the middle of the ring.
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You might be onto something with the Cena narrator/protagonist thing. I generally like Cena, but HATE the moments when he’s interrupted doing something and he uses a random, nonsensical pop culture reference as an exasperated curse instead of, y’know, just cursing. Like, when the GM chime went off last night, Cena didn’t say “Aw hell, what now?” It was something like “By the beard of Optimus Prime, what now?” These references are so, so, SO forced.
I applaud your use of “jort” as a verb.
bests: vince calling truth “R”. kelly kellys frankenstiener and a sin cara/undertaker snake eyes like arm attack.
worsts: no rima fakih,
i think the bellas and their capes should be a heel stable with maryse and hers. it seems they hang out together.
the ppv is so doomed.
Great article as always.
Perhaps the GM’s bi-polar disorder is intentional? Meltzer was all “this is TNA bad” this morning, but maybe, just maybe, this is a seed planted to bring in brain damaged Mick Foley, or perhaps MULTIPLE people are the GM which would explain the year long run of being heel and face within the same show.
But WWE lets me down 9 times out of 10, which is why I became an internet smark to begin with.
I would also like to applaud your use of jort as a verb, I just might use it myself whenever possible. I live in Virginia, and I was surprised more folks weren’t vocally outraged at seeing a black guy dressed as a Confederate general, calling southern heroes”inbred rednecks”. But I suppose no body wants R Truth to throw a drink in their face either. Also, I’m pretty sure Truth really thought he was talking to Obama in that promo.
Aw, c’mon, I liked Andy!
You know they’ll both be in the system anyway.
For once, I watched Raw instead of just waiting for your Best/Worst; as soon as I saw R-Truth come out, I knew he’d be a Best.
I can’t figure out if Swagger blatantly staring at Trish’s tits was an intentional character thing or legitimate lechery. I guess when your wife has a sex tape costarring not you you get a little free reign to do that sort of thing.
Also, now that Kharma’s pregnant I bet she’s super-pissed that she ruined all those dolls.
Where the hell was I during Kelly’s ECW time?
Good writing.
I hope the GM turns out to be someone we’ve never seen before. Just some executive in a suit that no one recognizes. The build at this point is such that no reveal will live up to the suspense so to hell with it.
John Morrison has become your reference point for sucking. It’s amusing. Just rewatch old Dirt Sheets and think about what could have been.
I’ve gotten to the point where in half of the three hours next week is taken up with Truth pointing at and explaining things around him, I’m totally on board.
By the way, where the hell was the GM two weeks ago when Bret Hart did THE EXACT SAME MOTHERFUCKING THING AUSTIN DID, only the decision wasn’t reversed?
“Cole even did his elevated CAN EVAN BOURNE CAPITALIZE WHEN WE COME BACK voice, but they stayed on the action. I was, lit-trully? In love with it.”
Haha, is this the Chris Traeger voice?
Having watched WWE for as long as I have, I’m sure the GM — if they ever do in fact reveal who it is — will just be a shoehorned-in Shawn Michaels or whomever, but I’m legitimately pulling for somebody like Foley who has in-character brain damage. The man was three different people in the span of one Royal Rumble, so maybe he was heel Mankind when he reversed the decision and face Dude Love when he made Austin GM for next week.
Me, I’m pulling for Norman Smiley, who developed trauma-induced schizophrenia the one time he forgot to wear his football helmet and got dropped on his head by The Wall or whoever.
@Aude – Yep. That voice is, litrully? My favorite voice to do.
I’m glad other people are fully behind R Truth’s complete mental tour de force. I usually fast forward through those awful CP dream sequences, but right when I saw those metal piercing shimmers and greasy dreads I backtracked immediately.
Also, if the rumors are true and this is his Main Event blow off match, please, please build him up with Kofi for the US title leading into SummerSlam. It’ll totally jive with his succeeding angle and pair a great voice with a great worker.
Luke does the most extreme overcompensation of secret homosexuality I’ve ever seen. I have no problem with anyone’s sexual preference, but all I could think during the last episode of Tough Enough where Luke says “GOD BLESS HOT BABES” or something was the visual image of him crying on a guy friend after experimenting the first time.
I could’ve SWORN Luke was going to win this. The guy is baby Orton, cut from the mold of that hairless type of twink they always sign. I thought I was going to have to listen to his “this is how we’re supposed to talk” interviews for the rest of my life.
Come on, Luke never had a chance. Andy’s big and tall, Luke isn’t. And if there’s one thing WWE knows, it’s that small people do horrible things (see: Daniel Bryan choking the ring announcer with cloth; Sin Cara trying to do anything).
That is, unless you’re really small, in which case the boss will inexplicably love you forever and allow you to rap for Snoop Dogg.
Outside of The Dugout and PGA (obviously) Best and Worst is your writing I enjoy the most. You make it seem effortless.
On the subject of Tough Enough was I the only one rooting for Jeremiah?
We didn’t find out he had a kid until, like, 2 minutes before he was eliminated. If there’s one thing I respect it’s someone who realizes that no one gives a shit about hearing about your kids. If there’s a second thing I respect it’s removable front teeth.
Luke was heeling it up SO MUCH, I’m absolutely amazed that they didn’t have him give an evil “I’ll be back!” promo.
We’ll see Luke again soon on Smackdown, competing against Chavo and Andy Levine (pause) “Silent Rage” for the Intercontinental title or some shit.
Anybody else hear Cena yell “Bulldog” to the Miz right before he bulldog’d him? I know it goes on and that’s how they can put on a good show, but anytime I hear them yelling cues, it really deflates the enjoyment.
Man, I’d love it if the Raw GM was just like, Jack Tunney, Jr.
Always look forward to these on Tuesdays.