… somebody just told me it’s Tuesday afternoon, so that means we’re live on With Leather for the Best and Worst of Monday Night Raw! Unfortunately we still have to decide who will win Tough Enough, so let’s just sort of stand here ad-libbing and looking at them for several minutes. Your name’s Luke, right? Like in the Bible? Good ol’ BIBLE LUKE, ladies and gemen! Do you have what it takes to be a WWE Superstar? Yeah, you KNOW you’re the best! Each and every one of them have never seen someone like you, you know you’re going straight to the top. Sorry! You lost. We’re giving it to the guy with long hair.
His hair is long, Luke, what was I supposed to do?
R.I.P. Good Ol’ Bible Luke, 2011-2011
Worst: Congratulations on Winning That WWE Game Show, Andy
The announcers made sure to say what a bright future Tough Enough winner Andy “the Slack-Jawed Yokel” Levine will have in WWE, and they made sure to repeat it a few times. That’s all well and good, except for the fact that WWE runs a WHO WILL BE THE NEXT SUPERSTAR contest almost constantly, and the last two winners (Kaval and Johnny Curtis, respectively) are slumming it against Kevin Steen at your local armory or commandingly pouring milk on themselves on Smackdown (respectively).
Also, I know I only spent a short time in wrestling school and maybe this is a “European style” thing I’m just not trained in, but I’m interested in Andy’s choice to take a flat back bump on a bitch slap, lying on the ground for what felt like five minutes, only to roll out of the ring and stammer around looking for beers and handshakes to sell a Stone Cold Stunner. Nobody wanted to sell the Stunner tonight. Andy, Miz and Michael Cole all got Stunners and all popped up from them. And I mean yeah, basically all he’s doing is making you bend over at the waist, doing a neckbreaker that takes all of the neck breaking properties out of a neckbreaker, and you could just stand up and kick him in the back instead of flopping around and dying, but PRECEDENT, PEOPLE.
And you know, now that I mentioned “precedent,” I wonder what would happen if the PRECEDENT OF THE UNITED STATES were to hold a PRESS CONFERENCE about UPCOMING PAY-PER-VIEW.
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You might be onto something with the Cena narrator/protagonist thing. I generally like Cena, but HATE the moments when he’s interrupted doing something and he uses a random, nonsensical pop culture reference as an exasperated curse instead of, y’know, just cursing. Like, when the GM chime went off last night, Cena didn’t say “Aw hell, what now?” It was something like “By the beard of Optimus Prime, what now?” These references are so, so, SO forced.
I applaud your use of “jort” as a verb.
bests: vince calling truth “R”. kelly kellys frankenstiener and a sin cara/undertaker snake eyes like arm attack.
worsts: no rima fakih,
i think the bellas and their capes should be a heel stable with maryse and hers. it seems they hang out together.
the ppv is so doomed.
Great article as always.
Perhaps the GM’s bi-polar disorder is intentional? Meltzer was all “this is TNA bad” this morning, but maybe, just maybe, this is a seed planted to bring in brain damaged Mick Foley, or perhaps MULTIPLE people are the GM which would explain the year long run of being heel and face within the same show.
But WWE lets me down 9 times out of 10, which is why I became an internet smark to begin with.
I would also like to applaud your use of jort as a verb, I just might use it myself whenever possible. I live in Virginia, and I was surprised more folks weren’t vocally outraged at seeing a black guy dressed as a Confederate general, calling southern heroes”inbred rednecks”. But I suppose no body wants R Truth to throw a drink in their face either. Also, I’m pretty sure Truth really thought he was talking to Obama in that promo.
Aw, c’mon, I liked Andy!
You know they’ll both be in the system anyway.
For once, I watched Raw instead of just waiting for your Best/Worst; as soon as I saw R-Truth come out, I knew he’d be a Best.
I can’t figure out if Swagger blatantly staring at Trish’s tits was an intentional character thing or legitimate lechery. I guess when your wife has a sex tape costarring not you you get a little free reign to do that sort of thing.
Also, now that Kharma’s pregnant I bet she’s super-pissed that she ruined all those dolls.
Where the hell was I during Kelly’s ECW time?
Good writing.
I hope the GM turns out to be someone we’ve never seen before. Just some executive in a suit that no one recognizes. The build at this point is such that no reveal will live up to the suspense so to hell with it.
John Morrison has become your reference point for sucking. It’s amusing. Just rewatch old Dirt Sheets and think about what could have been.
I’ve gotten to the point where in half of the three hours next week is taken up with Truth pointing at and explaining things around him, I’m totally on board.
By the way, where the hell was the GM two weeks ago when Bret Hart did THE EXACT SAME MOTHERFUCKING THING AUSTIN DID, only the decision wasn’t reversed?
“Cole even did his elevated CAN EVAN BOURNE CAPITALIZE WHEN WE COME BACK voice, but they stayed on the action. I was, lit-trully? In love with it.”
Haha, is this the Chris Traeger voice?
Having watched WWE for as long as I have, I’m sure the GM — if they ever do in fact reveal who it is — will just be a shoehorned-in Shawn Michaels or whomever, but I’m legitimately pulling for somebody like Foley who has in-character brain damage. The man was three different people in the span of one Royal Rumble, so maybe he was heel Mankind when he reversed the decision and face Dude Love when he made Austin GM for next week.
Me, I’m pulling for Norman Smiley, who developed trauma-induced schizophrenia the one time he forgot to wear his football helmet and got dropped on his head by The Wall or whoever.
@Aude – Yep. That voice is, litrully? My favorite voice to do.
I’m glad other people are fully behind R Truth’s complete mental tour de force. I usually fast forward through those awful CP dream sequences, but right when I saw those metal piercing shimmers and greasy dreads I backtracked immediately.
Also, if the rumors are true and this is his Main Event blow off match, please, please build him up with Kofi for the US title leading into SummerSlam. It’ll totally jive with his succeeding angle and pair a great voice with a great worker.
Luke does the most extreme overcompensation of secret homosexuality I’ve ever seen. I have no problem with anyone’s sexual preference, but all I could think during the last episode of Tough Enough where Luke says “GOD BLESS HOT BABES” or something was the visual image of him crying on a guy friend after experimenting the first time.
I could’ve SWORN Luke was going to win this. The guy is baby Orton, cut from the mold of that hairless type of twink they always sign. I thought I was going to have to listen to his “this is how we’re supposed to talk” interviews for the rest of my life.
Come on, Luke never had a chance. Andy’s big and tall, Luke isn’t. And if there’s one thing WWE knows, it’s that small people do horrible things (see: Daniel Bryan choking the ring announcer with cloth; Sin Cara trying to do anything).
That is, unless you’re really small, in which case the boss will inexplicably love you forever and allow you to rap for Snoop Dogg.
Outside of The Dugout and PGA (obviously) Best and Worst is your writing I enjoy the most. You make it seem effortless.
On the subject of Tough Enough was I the only one rooting for Jeremiah?
We didn’t find out he had a kid until, like, 2 minutes before he was eliminated. If there’s one thing I respect it’s someone who realizes that no one gives a shit about hearing about your kids. If there’s a second thing I respect it’s removable front teeth.
Luke was heeling it up SO MUCH, I’m absolutely amazed that they didn’t have him give an evil “I’ll be back!” promo.
We’ll see Luke again soon on Smackdown, competing against Chavo and Andy Levine (pause) “Silent Rage” for the Intercontinental title or some shit.
Anybody else hear Cena yell “Bulldog” to the Miz right before he bulldog’d him? I know it goes on and that’s how they can put on a good show, but anytime I hear them yelling cues, it really deflates the enjoyment.
Man, I’d love it if the Raw GM was just like, Jack Tunney, Jr.
Always look forward to these on Tuesdays.