Worst: Vote “D” for “No Match”
The Mark Henry vs. Kane match was supposedly another spill-over from the nonstop rallying cry for K2, so we ended up with an “arm wrestling contest”. You know that joke on the Internet about how if a birthday cake shows up on wrestling, somebody’s going into it? Imagine if the birthday cake cliche had like 10 steps and they were always the same. That’s arm wrestling contests in WWE. They start, and one of the contestants pulls away. Rinse, repeat. Then maybe the face pulls away to “psyche out” his opponent. By now the arm wrestling has been going on for like 40 seconds, which is 41 seconds too long for televised arm wrestling. The arming starts, it looks like the heel is going to win because he’s strong (or whatever), but then the face starts to come back, and the crowd’s all “OOOOHHHHHH” because they want to be excited about SOMETHING, and then the heel just gives up and punches them, or throws salt in their eyes, or knocks over the podium, and it’s like we never had arm wrestling at all.
The shorter version of that is THIS IS THE BIGGEST WASTE OF TIME IN HISTORY, and I would vote for a “twenty minute stand still match!” before I’d vote for arm wrestling.
Worst: Pyro for Arm Wrestling
How funny is it that Kane had a wall of fire entrance to walk down to the ring and arm wrestle? YEAH I’M THE BROTHER OF DESTRUCTION I’M GONNA F**K YOU UP WITH FIRE AND BRIMSTONE, HOLD ON LET ME GET MY ELBOW SITUATED. Kane should’ve just wandered out in sweatpants and a Mitt Romney t-shirt. At least he wasn’t wearing a pair of suspendered underwears with “world’s strongest man” written down the spine.
Best: Mark Henry is The Best
I had a lengthy rant about the best way to use Mark Henry in the Best and Worst of WWE Capitol Punishment, so I don’t want to rehash that here, but everything after the bullsh** arm wrestling was fantastic. This is what Mark Henry should be doing – Worlds Strongestly Slamming people through furniture because he’s fed up with getting no respect. He should also be screaming about how NOBODY’S GETTING PEACE as long as he’s doing this, and how his HEART DON’T PUMP KOOL-AID, which I guess was a response to how he dressed like the f**king Kool-Aid man for a year and a half carrying Black Teammate #8 to innumerable tag title challenge losses.
Kane being punched in the snoot and brute forced through some arranged wood is the best use of Kane since he stopped wearing a towel on his head. Mark Henry needs to keep ENDING people, inside the ring and out of it, because in a company full of Luckys Cannon, isn’t Mark Henry the one you should be MOST terrified of?