Best: Nobody Likes Eve
There has been no pro wrestler more dedicated to pleasing the WWE Universe with dancing and finger pointing than Eve Torres, the crunk-begotten master of the one-legged wrestling school dropkick. So it made me laugh/warmed my heart to see her only get 11% of the vote in a badly worded “who should Brie Bella defend her title against” Power to the People option. Beth Phoenix, who has done basically nothing since that LayCool tag team tables match, got more votes than her. Of course Kelly Kelly is K2 and Queen of the Diva Deathmatch (because there’s a chance somebody’s going to f**k up and die in every Divas match) got so many votes it destroyed the first hour of the contest. You may be saying, “come on, Brandon, people like Eve, she was an NBA dancer!” and all I can say is “yeah, for the Clippers, nobody likes Eve”.
I don’t know how much Eve makes a year, so let’s assume she makes an annual salary of around $70,000. You already have a spunky babyface girl (K2) and can only manage one good and one bad female performer at a time, so sh*tcan Eve. Now, you’ve got $70,000 to work with. Drop about $40,000 a year on Madison Eagles so she doesn’t have to keep working a day shift at Cinnabon, and you’ve got an attractive, experienced female wrestler who can be a heel and take K2′s Lou Thesz press without having an aneurysm.
Now, with the $30,000 remaining, you can book basically an entire North America’s worth of high-quality independent wrestling heels on a pay-per-appearance basis to show up, threaten K2, eat a K-Driller (or whatever she calls her dumb Fame-Asser) and disappear. You could book talent for like three years with 30 grand. Cleveland All Pro paid Portia Perez for like two years and they never had a dollar. Kelly Kelly looks like Girl Hogan, the women’s wrestling industry gets much needed exposure and freshness, and Eve Torres dances by herself in the living room during period breaks of Clippers games. Problems solved.
Worst: Kelly Kelly is No Longer Choice B, Guys
WWE apologizes to the WWE Universe, Raw’s “Power to the People” voters, and especially Sin Cara and Evan Bourne. The match vote was skewed by a heavy backlog of votes from the Divas Title Match. More details on WWE.com throughout the day.
I love the idea that some Kelly Kelly fan was at home in his WWE DIVAS t-shirt with the big Divas logo in the middle of badly cropped Bella Twins and mirrored Gail Kims around it, furiously texting “b” to 46993 so she’ll get the match, then continuously re-texting “b” so she’ll win. And because of this, Yoshi Tatsu gets stuck in an inferno match against Derrick Bateman. You can stop texting b, Universe Guy, you’re causing too much Mason Ryan!
Best: Winning the Claire’s Title is an Emotional Experience, Guise
Watching Kelly Kelly burst into tears and thank “Power to the People” for her first ever Diva’s Championship win was great, and similar to the response I had the last time I was at Q’doba and realized I had enough points for a free burrito. I wanted her to bust out a AND I JUST WANT TO THANK MY LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST to make it extra awesome.
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My favorite part? Jerry Lawler saying, “The referee’s decision is final.”
Really Jerry? Weren’t you there TWO WEEKS AGO when the GM overturned special guest referee Austin’s decision?
And weren’t you IN THE MATCH at Wrestlemania where the same GM overturned the same referee’s decision?
I haven’t finished reading the whole thing yet, but so far it’s awesome. Just need to do an early comment here to note that Teddy Long also can’t say ‘Christian’ properly.
The Raw GM is a lazy f*ck. Austin, P2P, and now Roulette. How long does it take Mick Foley to sign a contract and become Raw’s commissioner again.
At first I thought Ryder was beginning to be whiny since he didn’t get on last Monday and he was like (Whiny little Jimmy voice) “I wasn’t on Raw again”. But than when he didn’t get on a show that was totally meant for him, he doesn’t. WTF? Really? (REALLY!) No seriously, what are they waiting for. If they hate, let em hate. … … Sorry for that last line.
But if anything, Punk, last night, is getting me to do something that I haven’t done in like 5 years, buy a PPV that’s not Rumble or Wrestlemania. I will order MITB 2.
Oh, and Orton. I know you make a big deal about the Bellas in the anti-bullying spots, while bullying all the other divas, but didn’t Orton star in the fucking anti-bullying movie? Isn’t that the same guy who fucking punted somebody who posed no physical threat to him in the skull on Smackdown? Jesus Christ, WWE. You’re booked by monkeys.
If The Rock and R Truth wrestled, and both went for their finisher, would the ring explode like when Lesnar superplexed Big Show?
Oh man, this might be my favorite Best/Worst yet. 6% of the WWE Universe is hilarious indeed. I have to get back to work, let me just wipe these tears of laughter from my eyes first.
Also, every one is totally getting MITB solely because of Punk’s money promo abilities right, because I know I am ordering a WWE PPV for myself for the first time since gambling that Daniel Bryan would be the mystery team mate at Summerslam.
My friend nearly cried when he turned on RAW several years ago, for the first time in a while, and he saw CM Punk cash in Money in the Bank on Edge for his first World Title. I’m sure he would share your sentiments. Then — what was it, a year or more later? — he was jobbing to the Undertaker, which still feels like an insult. I would love love love to see Punk in a better situation, but it just ain’t happening in WWE. So let’s hope this works.
Also, I could debate you about Plastic Ono Band, but only because it’s the sound of someone coming apart and savaging his own art, and it’s the best album I never want to listen to again. (“Power to the People” is such a misplaced oddity on it, as well.) All this is to say: way to go, WWE, for being so literal I wonder if you, as an institution, are a low-functioning special needs child.
I GOT OKIE DOKED BY LIL JIMMY
yay!
Watching CM Punk make snow angels in the middle of the ring cuz he just doesnt give a fuck anymore=outstanding.
Watching Matt Striker puke up in his own mouth before Vickie even laid hands on him=also outstanding.
Possibly watching The Miz turn face simply cuz we’re all sick of Cena=that has potential.
I voted for the 20 minute time limit. I wanted to see what they would do with the remaining 6 minutes of the show if it came true. I was hoping for a clusterfuck. Lucky me, I got one anyway.
Also, fuck the “we’re back, here’s one of the opponents trash talking, now to commercial again so more people can vote” 8 minute time killers.
“The RKO works because he can hit it out of nowhere….Orton just jumps and you’re dead”
Cena’s finisher is slow and dull while Orton’s is fast and often surprises you(which makes it cool). That is why you don’t see the same complaints. But yes, neither should hurt much.
I love these.
This is easily the highlight of the week. The Miz – Christian – Truth triangle of comedy deserves a Best IMO.
@VengeVega
How does Orton’s surprise you? You always know it’s coming when his opponent goes for something uncharacteristic that would put them in the perfect position to take an RKO.
Wade Barrett is going for a springboard? I’m sure this will end well.
He’d probably try to powerbomb Kidman, too.
Brandon, Ive been wondering this for awhile now, but is there any physical evidence existing in the world that Christian has ever been able to actually land his ridiculous finisher? Ive seen it reversed probably 50 times this month and since it takes so long to do, it seems only a wrestler who is sleeping, an idiot or just isnt paying attention would actually get “caught” in it. I’ve concluded that the killswitch is just a myth and doesnt really exist
Christian used to be able to execute his finisher.
Man, that was a crazy week.
Even Bourne trying to small package Mason Ryan is the best thing I’ve seen since Christian headbutted the ring apron all on his own while Scott Steiner stood behind him.
I don’t know if I’m in the minority or if I just disagree with you B, but I wouldn’t mind watching Dolph and Kofi go again. It’s like a lesser version of Punk and Rey; it’s always at least pretty good, so I can go along with it. At the very least, it’s a match that probably won’t induce a “What the Hayal”-a-roonie from Booker.
Also, part of me thinks the WWE audience is getting a little smarter, and it sounds crazy, but I think so because the arm wrestling stip won for Kane-Henry. I could imagine a moderately intelligent audience could have looked at that and thought “this is gonna suck no matter what, let’s just fuck with them. Not only that, but they wouldn’t even take the bait on dumb shit like a Paper Bag Match.
And Punk was so good last night it’s ridiculous. I cannot fucking WAIT to see the Chicago crowd for that match.
@85 – I think maybe my problem is less with Ziggler vs. Kingston (16 matches on television together) and more with having to write something about it every week. I’m just like ARGH NO NOT KINGSTON ZIGGLER AGAIN
This was indeed your funniest one yet!
@B – Makes perfect sense. Writing about Mason Ryan taking small packages is way more fun.
yea so these are fucking awesome and I have started watching wrestling again just to come back and read these. smoke weed.
he does not in fact go to the papers…..netflix instant has wasted thousands of my hours with these god damn movies.
Wouldn’t a Punk title win and abdication (Vacation? Doesn’t sound right) play perfectly into a title tournament for SummerSlam?
At least it is not in Calgary, where we would have to hear and see Vince Screwed Bret chants/signs.
Holy shit I legit cackled at “Claire’s title” because it’s so fucking true. That belt looks like something I got at Claire’s from the ages of 13 to 17.
Hey, Brandon, and everyone else, I went to a house show two weeks ago and got to see Mason Ryan live. I’m still on a spiritual high from it. You know how it’s common for heels to do blind tags behind the ref’s back? He did that, noticed that the ref didn’t see the tag, froze up, and left the ring so that the referee would see the tag when he turned around. It was the most considerate thing I’ve seen a heel do in ages.
The fucking Bella Twins were more adept at heel tag team spots later in the evening.
You forgot a worst for Cena and Orton raising each other’s hand in victory. Orton works as the anti-Cena. If they want to do a Smackdown-Cena they should just buy Chris Masters a Flavor Flav clock and give him a better finisher.
Outside of Punk I really didn’t enjoy this Raw, at all. Which is okay because I am going to my first CHIKARA show on Friday in Chicago. I’d like to give B a best for being one of the many people to rave about King of Trios that convinced me to buy that DVD. Now I am hooked and I will never go back.
@Vince – That’s awesome. Look for me as the guy in the crowd cheer/bowing to Archibald Peck.
If they want to do a Smackdown-Cena they should just buy Chris Masters a Flavor Flav clock and give him a better finisher.
+1. Especially if he stumbles out to an ill-thought-out WWE version of “Cold Lampin’ with Flavor.”
Brandon, keep doing this column. I continue to DVR that mess partly because of your awesome take week in and week out. Occasionally, the obscure Indys and New Japan references leave most of the loop, but it’s still a must read for WWE fans.
As for the Smackdown and Impact idea, it could work but I’m not sure the viewership or overlap with sports fans is there. The other idea about doing past PPV or event columns as reviews sounds hilarious. Keep up the good work!
This was by far the funniest Best and Worst you have ever written. Cudos. I was dying of laughter with your Mason Ryan jokes.
Also, are there any hockey fans out there that think Mason Raymond every time they hear the name Mason Ryan?
orton needs to use it more like DDP did. DDP used to do it out of a flapjack, off the turnbuckle, jumping from the top rope, out of a fireman carry, off the apron, out of power bombs.
12 year old me hated DDP for some reason. 25 year old me looks back fondly at him though. 25 year old me is also a loser who still watches wrestling so take that for what it’s worth
Dude PLEASE do Impact and maybe a smackdown mini-one. These are so full of win and awesome and laughs. Keep on no-selling to the haters!
page 3 was gold
Goddamn this is my favorite thing to read on the Internet and I don’t even watch RAW anymore