Best: The Finishing Stretch
The last couple of minutes of Punk vs. Mysterio were off the charts, and a great reason why they keep getting put into the ring with each other, long after their issues have been Pro Wrestling Settled. Punk ducking a 619 and catching Mysterio on his shoulders for the Go To Sleep completely makes up for him flopping into that second rope on an armdrag that wouldn’t have budged Lizmark, with the joke here being that if a breeze rolls by, Lizmark takes a floating bump into the nearest tree.
I don’t think I can write another compelling paragraph about why Punk and Mysterio was a good match, but here it is. When you put legitimately talented pro wrestlers in the ring together, no matter which parts of pro wrestling they’re talented at, good things will happen.
Also, Rey Mysterio’s face. Look at that thing.
Best/Worst: Goodbye, Punk
Before the match, CM Punk promised that he’d beat Rey Mysterio, then he would do one of the “most honest things the WWE Universe has ever seen”. What that thing is has yet to be revealed, and I really hope it isn’t CM Punk quitting WWE.
There have been rumors going around about Punk not re-signing, and while I’d love for Punk to go on a magical mystery tour of the independents where he stomps Eddie Edwards in the face in Ring of Honor, teams with Colt Cabana in CHIKARA, then stops by Austin, Texas to compete for Anarchy and then hang out and not have beers with me afterward, I don’t want the one thing I can always count on on WWE television to be great to go away. He’s really it, you know? And with wrestling interest waning as it is, WWE should do anything and everything to keep the one awesome drug free guy they’re ever going to sign (pending the signing of UltraMantis Black, which should’ve happened already) from getting away.
Of course, the “honest thing” could be disbanding the New Nexus and firing them all, because honestly, they are pretty hopeless.
Worst: Just Saying, This Could’ve Still Used Serena
Maybe the honest thing will be bringing back and re-shaving Serena Deeb, because in all honesty she shouldn’t have been fired for breaking kayfabe in a world where Dolph Ziggler defends Zack Ryder on Twitter and Vince McMahon can survive a limo explosion because he has an important message about honoring Chris Benoit on the next Raw. Bring her back, put her in that jacket thing again, shave her little burgeoning mohawk and pay her thousands of dollars to spear the water bra off of Kelly Kelly once a week.
I’m terrible at grassroots campaigning, but dammit, come on.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/1245/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/wwe-raw-app-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/kevin-jonas-wwe-raw-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/bateman-gif-180x180.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/wrestling-glamour-shots-31-180x180.png)
Huss! Thanks for the summary!
“shave her little burgeoning mohawk and pay her thousands of dollars to spear the water bra off of Kelly Kelly once a week.”
If the WWE isn’t willing to do this I’m sure porn industry will be.
YAYYYYYY
*reads recap of what sounds like a pretty depressing show*
BOOOOOOO
also where did you find that pic of that internet man
*the porn industry…
Thank you so much for a reference to The Foreigner.
Yeah the R-Truth thing is pretty spot on. For as excited as he has been outside the ring his in ring performance hasn’t been getting better and at the end of the day it has to if he’s going to go anywhere. You don’t hide people with the belt.
That Obama stuff sounded so terrible. The McMahons and politics are always terrible together.
@Ragingape — McMahons + politcs = awful, but that’s a subset of McMahons + comedy = awful. Vince is the guy with no sense of humor who insists on telling jokes. Hey, entertainer guy, entertain me by putting on good wrestling matches, not by making fart noises.
I’m going to comment more when I’ve watched some of the show (the recap is awesome but doesn’t really inspire me to watch the whole thing) but I will say now that CZW’s ‘Family Dollar employees stab each other with bulb shards’ is amazing.
Bethesda, MD is the tits. Though I now think you’re rich, seeing as how I could never afford to live in Bethesda, MD.
That’s a sweet Moe Howard haircut on Cap’n YouTube up there.
1. Great article. Happy to know you didn’t spend the $50. We were probably watching the same feed.
2. The crowd was God awful. It was way more annoying than Faux-bama and Keith Stone. Wait… no Keith Stone walking towards the ring was still way more annoying.
3. Would have preferred Maryse cut the same promo than Barett, because even though I still wouldn’t have cared what the subject was, just watching her walk and talk would have been worth $5 of the $50. (You can call me Sexual Brownie)
4. Thank you for blasting fat ass living in their parents basement guy. At first when I started reading web articles, I wanted to be that guy. But than I realized I wanted a life, and make money, and have sex, and find out you got an std from that check who you thought might have a had something, and than die. (What a terrible path). I’ll stick to reading your article only when I’m on my break at my job.
5. Let’s be honest, this PPV could have been last week’s 3 hour RAW.
5. Last, I want to know, how does one start a ‘#RyderOrRiot’ Riot. Not order a PPV? Or watch RAW? Oh wait, WWE is doing a pretty good job at making us do that right now.
Botchamania RULES! End.
“I hope Raw features R-Truth calling that kid out and beating the hell out of him. You touch the wrestlers, you gon get GOT.”
Best article punchline yet, I cracked up like a loon.
Why do I have a feeling this Zack Ryder thing is going to turn out like that Matt Hardy thing, or that Daniel Bryan thing—the people chant like crazy for the WWE to bring them in and/or do something with them, and when they finally do, the people stop caring, because nobody’s being screwed anymore.
i think i just read somewhere that zeke just became an american citizen. we stole hakeem olajiwon, why can’t we steal him?
@Paul: I would argue that what Ryder has (a personality), both Hardy and Bryan lacked.
This needs to happen for SmackDowns.
To me the biggest problems with rating matches is the granulated star scale. What makes 3 3/4 better than 3 1/2? Can anyone tell the difference? The way it’s designed is specifically for guys like the one in your picture to feel way more important than they are.
I like reviewing things and am not opposed to any scores, but giving individual matches ratings also ignores the fact that you aren’t buying Undertaker/HBK individually no matter how good it may have been. You watch the show as a whole.
IN CONCLUSION i thought capitol punishment was a 3 out of 5 nyah
not gonna lie I wanted the people near the entrance ramp to throw their shit at racist fake president guy and boo him out of the arena, but I guess what he did the prior night wasn’t well-known.
Ugh. McMahon’s “clever” attempts at political humor have always made him look like more of an assclown than anything. The bad part is I actually feel more stupid for having watched it.
It’s pretty obvious he doesn’t have much respect for the average wrestling fan’s intelligence, but at least keep the goddamn politics out of it.
I personally could not agree more, if CM Punk leaves, I think I may follow him.
I had no idea who Keith Stone was and was dumbfounded by his sudden appearance. I figured he was some kind of famous because the Bellas were attached to him, but my guess was that he was part of some band I didn’t know about. So he’s a dude in a beer commercial? Huh.
@sebastian – Yep, he’s the low rent Caucasian Old Spice Guy