Worst: Wade Barrett’s Not From Here!
He’s got his OWN customs! CHECK OUT HIS CRAZY PASSPORT!
There is nothing worse than when WWE decides to get their guy from Europe (or wherever) over by having him suddenly care about politics. Besides having that voice and face, Wade Barrett hasn’t seemed to really give a sh:t about being in America since his debut. But now that we’re in Our Nation’s Capital© Wade has to cut a big long promo about how Libyan officials are accusing NATO of attacking another non-military target and how where HE’s from, ENGLAND, would never do such a thing to an arena full of people who paid $50 dollars to get in to pay $50 for a NEVER GIVE UP t-shirt and COULD NOT POSSIBLY CARE ABOUT ANYTHING IMPORTANT.
The reason the Iron Sheik worked is because he stuck with “Iran best, America, spitting noise”. He didn’t wander out in his pointy boots and start explaining why Obamacare doesn’t work. WWE should go full tilt on this and have John Cena stop his matches in the middle to grab a microphone and say “okay kids, I need to explain to you why gas prices are so high, and it’s because of your black President.”
Worst: USA!
Washington D.C. is smart enough to chant U-S-A, U-S-A to help a guy from goddamn Guyana rally and defeat a guy from England. I almost gave this a “best” because of WWE not actually announcing where Ezekiel Jackson is from during his ring entrance. But there he was, kicking his feet and stomping his hands to harness the power of the USA and bodyslam Wade Barrett to death. This is the worst use of USA since I went to Fall Brawl ’98 and watched Winston-Salem chant it to help Alex Wright come back against The British Bulldog.
One good part, though: after adding the Intercontinental Championship, Zeke is about nine kneepads away from completing his Ahmed Johnson Halloween costume.
Best: Bodyslams?
I don’t want to be the guy who thinks everything about wrestling is terrible, so here’s a “best” for Zeke’s stupid bodyslam rush, and for the announcers selling it like we all know how dangerous it is. “OH NO KING WE KNOW WHAT COMES AFTER THE BODYSLAMS.” Is it more bodyslams? And if they’re so deadly, why does Barrett get up and turn around and walk back into Zeke after each one? Shouldn’t he be too hurt to get up?
Worst: Stop Mentioning America, Zeke
I didn’t want to give another Best or Worst to Zeke vs. Wade Barrett, but yeah, Zeke’s post match promo was the worst, and he should only talk on television if he’s responding to a philosophical question from Brian Kendrick. If you didn’t see the show, he basically read the preamble to the Constitution and added in some Ezekiel Jackson terms.
“We the people of the United States, in order to BODYSLAM a more perfect INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP, establish BODYSLAMS, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general BODYSLAMS, and secure the blessings of DOMINATION to ourselves and our EZEKIEL JACKSON, as long as we both shall live, AMEN!”
And then his dumb rap song started.
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Huss! Thanks for the summary!
“shave her little burgeoning mohawk and pay her thousands of dollars to spear the water bra off of Kelly Kelly once a week.”
If the WWE isn’t willing to do this I’m sure porn industry will be.
YAYYYYYY
*reads recap of what sounds like a pretty depressing show*
BOOOOOOO
also where did you find that pic of that internet man
*the porn industry…
Thank you so much for a reference to The Foreigner.
Yeah the R-Truth thing is pretty spot on. For as excited as he has been outside the ring his in ring performance hasn’t been getting better and at the end of the day it has to if he’s going to go anywhere. You don’t hide people with the belt.
That Obama stuff sounded so terrible. The McMahons and politics are always terrible together.
@Ragingape — McMahons + politcs = awful, but that’s a subset of McMahons + comedy = awful. Vince is the guy with no sense of humor who insists on telling jokes. Hey, entertainer guy, entertain me by putting on good wrestling matches, not by making fart noises.
I’m going to comment more when I’ve watched some of the show (the recap is awesome but doesn’t really inspire me to watch the whole thing) but I will say now that CZW’s ‘Family Dollar employees stab each other with bulb shards’ is amazing.
Bethesda, MD is the tits. Though I now think you’re rich, seeing as how I could never afford to live in Bethesda, MD.
That’s a sweet Moe Howard haircut on Cap’n YouTube up there.
1. Great article. Happy to know you didn’t spend the $50. We were probably watching the same feed.
2. The crowd was God awful. It was way more annoying than Faux-bama and Keith Stone. Wait… no Keith Stone walking towards the ring was still way more annoying.
3. Would have preferred Maryse cut the same promo than Barett, because even though I still wouldn’t have cared what the subject was, just watching her walk and talk would have been worth $5 of the $50. (You can call me Sexual Brownie)
4. Thank you for blasting fat ass living in their parents basement guy. At first when I started reading web articles, I wanted to be that guy. But than I realized I wanted a life, and make money, and have sex, and find out you got an std from that check who you thought might have a had something, and than die. (What a terrible path). I’ll stick to reading your article only when I’m on my break at my job.
5. Let’s be honest, this PPV could have been last week’s 3 hour RAW.
5. Last, I want to know, how does one start a ‘#RyderOrRiot’ Riot. Not order a PPV? Or watch RAW? Oh wait, WWE is doing a pretty good job at making us do that right now.
Botchamania RULES! End.
“I hope Raw features R-Truth calling that kid out and beating the hell out of him. You touch the wrestlers, you gon get GOT.”
Best article punchline yet, I cracked up like a loon.
Why do I have a feeling this Zack Ryder thing is going to turn out like that Matt Hardy thing, or that Daniel Bryan thing—the people chant like crazy for the WWE to bring them in and/or do something with them, and when they finally do, the people stop caring, because nobody’s being screwed anymore.
i think i just read somewhere that zeke just became an american citizen. we stole hakeem olajiwon, why can’t we steal him?
@Paul: I would argue that what Ryder has (a personality), both Hardy and Bryan lacked.
This needs to happen for SmackDowns.
To me the biggest problems with rating matches is the granulated star scale. What makes 3 3/4 better than 3 1/2? Can anyone tell the difference? The way it’s designed is specifically for guys like the one in your picture to feel way more important than they are.
I like reviewing things and am not opposed to any scores, but giving individual matches ratings also ignores the fact that you aren’t buying Undertaker/HBK individually no matter how good it may have been. You watch the show as a whole.
IN CONCLUSION i thought capitol punishment was a 3 out of 5 nyah
not gonna lie I wanted the people near the entrance ramp to throw their shit at racist fake president guy and boo him out of the arena, but I guess what he did the prior night wasn’t well-known.
Ugh. McMahon’s “clever” attempts at political humor have always made him look like more of an assclown than anything. The bad part is I actually feel more stupid for having watched it.
It’s pretty obvious he doesn’t have much respect for the average wrestling fan’s intelligence, but at least keep the goddamn politics out of it.
I personally could not agree more, if CM Punk leaves, I think I may follow him.
I had no idea who Keith Stone was and was dumbfounded by his sudden appearance. I figured he was some kind of famous because the Bellas were attached to him, but my guess was that he was part of some band I didn’t know about. So he’s a dude in a beer commercial? Huh.
@sebastian – Yep, he’s the low rent Caucasian Old Spice Guy