Best: John Cena is Sort Of Selling
He hit those shoulderblocks with the energy of the World’s Freshest Man, but at least he stumbled around for a second before Five Knuckle Shuffling Punk. I liked this match, not because of how it seemed to get Cena back on track, but because Punk basically beat the dog mess out of him for five minutes. Outside of those shoulder blocks, the most offense Cena really got was moving out of the way of a springboard. I don’t know if they’re giving Punk a bunch of spotlight matches and wins to keep him in the company, but I hope he stays in contract turmoil forever, because I love it.
Also, a loosely related note: I go to a lot of Anarchy Championship Wrestling shows in Austin, as you might’ve picked up from me shoehorning Rachel Summerlyn into a “best” headline. I like the shows, and unlike a lot of local independent promotions they’ve got a lot of legitimately talented guys who are going to make it. Robert Evans was one of them, and now he’s in both ROH and CHIKARA and is the best part about moderately-mainstream wrestling. However, the last several shows (and possibly every show ever) has had SOME ACW guy getting on the mic and talking about how John Cena sucks and has no talent, and how INDEPENDENT WRESTLING IS WHERE IT’S AT YEAH WOO. And yeah, I support and love independent wrestling, but no amount of me cheering for Dragon Dragon is going to amount to an arena full of people screaming LET’S GO CENA CENA SUCKS at each other for a quarter hour.
Say he sucks if you want, because a lot of times he really does suck, but he has that job for a reason. It would be better if you could say INDEPENDENT WRESTLING IS WHERE IT’S AT and YEAH and WOO without bringing up the happy celebrity millionaires.
Worst: Water TO THE SKULL
R-Truth’s water bottle to the head is the coolest signature weapon since Owen Hart’s big bag of popcorn. The “water bottle is SYMBOLIC, King” part of the commentary would be great if it wasn’t prefaced by “OH CHRIST JOHN CENA JUST GOT HIT IN THE FACE WITH BENDY PLASTIC AND SOME WATER HE’S GOT TO BE DEAD”. At least freeze the water, then you’ve got a decent weapon.
(note: “Water” gets a supplementary best in this talking point for R-Truth convincing a kid that “a big sip a water” is a fair trade for his John Cena hat.)
Worst: Jesus, Did This Really Take Three Hours
I feel like we could’ve done this in twenty minutes. “Capitol Punishment is coming up on Sunday. Do you remember Stone Cold Steve Austin? Here’s a couple of five minute matches,” and you’re out before the special sneak preview of “Suits” even starts.