Best: Punk Vs. Austin

Ignoring any mention of “Little Jimmy” (or the new one, “Little Jenny”), the best part of Raw was CM Punk’s backstage showdown with Stone Cold Steve Austin. Austin vs. Punk NEEDS TO HAPPEN, and it needs to end similarly to Punk vs. JeffyHardy, with Punk getting beaten up a lot but ultimately coming out on top, because he’s a dickhole, but he’s RIGHT. The “what” joke was well done, but the very best part was Punk no-selling Austin’s promise to “whip his ass backwards” and subtly getting under his skin until Austin broke out the thousand-yard stare he does when he’s SUPER CONFLICTED~. Cross reference the look on his face with the look he had hugging Vince McMahon post-Wrestlemania X-7. It’s the same look. Punk is the best, largely because he’s the one heel character they have who is legitimately smart enough on the mic to stand up for himself without being a cool antihero and overshadowing anybody.

And hey, he’s right. Austin is an alcoholic past his prime who supports Keith Stone and promises ass whippings a lot more frequently than he gives them out. Austin’s shirts all talk about how he Stomps Mudholes and Raises Hell and Whips Ass(es), but how many people has he beaten up in the last five years who weren’t helpless or unsuspecting? It’s worth considering.

Worst: The Two-In-All-Out Diva Dilemma

A few questions:

1. Were you aware that WWE had 14 Divas on the roster? 15 if you count Kharma, and 16 if you count Kharma’s unborn child (who can’t be any worse than Alicia Fox).
2. Is there a maximum time limit for Divas matches, or does the referee secretly hate them and start whispering TAKE IT HOME to them as they’re taking off their ring capes?
3. Couldn’t this 7-on-7 Divas tag team match have been a minute-long Kelly Kelly vs. Rosa Mendes match and accomplish the same thing?
4. Should WWE should release a “Best of Gail Kim” DVD that is just Gail standing on the ring apron smiling for 40 seconds until the matches are over?
5. How adorable are AJ and Kaitlyn, and should they have their own show, possibly written by me? Discuss.

Answers:

1. Yes, but I have to write about it all the time.
2. Yes, 1:45. Yes, Mike Chioda is an asshole.
3. Yes, and we wouldn’t have even missed out on Booker T rubbing one out to Rosa on commentary.
4. I would buy that before I bought “John Morrison: Rock Star”
5. Extremely, and yes. It would involve them pro wrestling (to keep them in those outfits), but also follow them outside of the ring, where they must solve mysteries. USA Network loves shows about how the only person good at their job is a skinny blonde woman in her mid-30s, so maybe this would work better with Michelle McCool.

Also the Best: Natalya Not Being Able to Kick Higher Than Her Waist

lol