Best/Worst: Rowdy Roddy Piper

Piper is telling the truth (and the truth will set you free) when he says there will never be another Rowdy Roddy Piper. Especially not Miz, who I enjoy, but cannot see getting punched in the ear with a chain by Greg Valentine. Piper himself is a mixed bag; he’s undeniably one of the most important, talented and memorable wrestlers in the history of the industry, but he’s not perfect. Early Piper is choice, as is that Wrestlemania-era Piper where we love what he did on the big shows and don’t really remember what he did in-between. The Piper shortly thereafter is terrible, painting himself half black to make a statement on racism and stripping Goldust to his ladies underwear to make a statement on pervert homosexuals. As a WCW loyalist, don’t get me started on I.C.O.N. Piper, who was sleeper holding every imaginable member of the nWo when I just wanted to see more La f**king Parka.

Modern Piper is an encapsulation of that theme. When he shows up he’s either great, or sort of ominously bad. Remember when he showed up at Madison Square Garden and kept rambling and saying goodbye, and we all thought he was going to go back to the hotel and be found dead? Last night’s Piper was a mix, with his awesome “GOD??” reaction to Stone Cold on the TitanTron and his less than awesome “uhhh Alex Riley is TOUGH you know, uhhhh” stuff. Also, as a wrestling writer on the Internet I’m not allowed to tell you what I thought of Piper pinning Miz in 2011 on WWE television. I mean, I have an opinion about it, it just sounds really, really bad.

At least he didn’t mention the coconut again. Oh, and also:

Question: Andre the Giant, King Kong Bundy, Mean Gene are all in the bottom of a well. So who do you save first?

Piper “changed the question” to this, and I think it has a simple answer. Obviously you’ll want to save Mean Gene first, because he’s the smallest, and if he’s stuck in a well with those two big fat guys he’s in the most need. Then I’d save Andre, who could use King Kong Bundy as a stepping stone to safety. Then I’d probably just leave King Kong Bundy in the well.

Actually, the more I think about it, Andre the Giant is already dead, so he can’t be saved, can he? Is the question “would you save Andre’s corpse from a watery grave?” Isn’t the question “what the f**k are Mean Gene and King Kong Bundy doing with Andre the Giant’s dead body at the bottom of a well?” Is this a Goonies thing? Are they going to send Mean Gene’s blazer up on a bucket?