Joseph Kovaleski, Burger King pervert

61-year old Lakeland High School girls soccer coach Joseph Kovaleski has been arrested for repeatedly exposing his genitals and fondling himself in front of Burger King employees. Let’s see how gross this can get.

A restaurant employee contacted borough police several weeks ago with concerns about Mr. Kovaleski. She told police Mr. Kovaleski stopped there a few times a week around 7 a.m., pulled out his genitalia and would “continuously touch it” while seated at a booth and facing employees who were working behind the restaurant’s counter.

No word on whether or not “it” had grill lines.

Notes: If you coach high school gir’s soccer in a place called “Dickson City”, you should try not get in trouble for whipping out your dick, and the only time the phrase “he was playing with his junk at a Burger King” should be able to describe you is when you’ve gotten an especially sh**ty kid’s meal toy.

The employee called police at about 8:30 a.m. Sunday to report that he was in the restaurant touching himself. When approached by police, Mr. Kovaleski told them he does not wear underwear and because of that his genitals “could fall out.”

My question here is “fall out of what, exactly?” I’ve spent a large portion of my life wearing pants, and unless this guy’s cock is longer than his leg or possesses a mutant phasing ability, he should be able to keep it from “falling out” without the use of underwear. Also, this is the most “To Catch a Predator” “I was just coming over to talk to the 13-year old gay teen” excuse ever.

“He stated that Burger King isn’t a public place and that his genitals get itchy and he sometimes has to scratch them,” the affidavit said.

Hahaha wait, no, this is. Was he eating at a privatized Burger King? I think Coach Kovaleski’s excuse can be summed up as such: he was eating at the Burger King located inside of his house, and his business accidentally fell out. The Burger King has dirty floors, because I guess nobody knows where the Burger King exists and therefore cannot be employed to clean it, so his mess got messy and he needed to scratch it, because of the dust and irritation. As such, any people employed at this Super Secret Burger King might’ve seen him scratching his exposed, extremely long floor genitals and misconstrued it as an act of public masturbation. You know, when that is clearly not the case.

Additional notes: This confirms my teenage belief that anyone working a regular job at a public high school is a creep and should be investigated.

Additional additional note: lol, this f**king guy

[H/T Off the Bench]