Coco Crisp has been a recurring character in The Dugout for a number of reasons, including wearing his hat sideways, getting arrested for things and playing for teams of interest (even the Royals). Also, his name is “Coco Crisp.” We’ve gotten used to it over the last ten years, but really sit back and think about how great it is that somebody in professional sports chooses to call themselves “Coco” when their shoot last name is Crisp. His name is Covelli. Covelli Crisp would be an awesome name for a baseball player, wouldn’t it?
In today’s hair-centric celebrity gossip sports-o-sphere, Crisp has taken the next logical step in a career wrought with easy jokes: he’s letting Oakland fans vote on his next hairstyle. Something something something, today’s Dugout follows.
The Dugout
| **Online Host** Welcome to the Oakland Athletics Chatroom. | |
 | SoggyInMilk: ok, so, uh, yesterday’s attendance was 8, and that includes MC Hammer and Stomper the Athletic Elephant |
 | OnlyThePenningtonManShallPass: goddamn google alerts, I told you to tell me when Hammer was here |
| SoggyInMilk: it was "Pumps and a Bump" persona Hammer, you didn’t miss anything |
| SoggyInMilk: anyway, the point is that we need to improve impressions, and the only way we can do that is through fan interaction and networking |
| SoggyInMilk: David! Do you know any baseball teams who could tell people about our games? |
 | DavidAndThePurceyCats: I know some of the Blue Jays! |
| SoggyInMilk: any real baseball teams, like in the major leagues |
| DavidAndThePurceyCats: The Blue Jays are awesome! I hung out with Jose Bautista when he was underground! |
| SoggyInMilk: is he on steroids |
| DavidAndThePurceyCats: um, I don’t think so? He just changed his batting stance |
| SoggyInMilk: man you don’t have any f**king idea what you’re talking about |
| SoggyInMilk: any ideas on how to improve fan interaction? I mean, without having to actually talk to any of the fans |
 | TheBrothersKouzmanoff: we could try being the Yankees |
| SoggyInMilk: that’s a good idea, we already own the hats, all we gotta do is put those on and start getting buttf**ked by the elderly |
| DavidAndThePurceyCats: we should try being the Blue Jays! They aren’t a team for panty-wastes and sissies! Jose Bautista hit 44 home runs in two at bats yesterday! |
| DavidAndThePurceyCats: I know him! I know him in real life! |
| SoggyInMilk: and he just changed his batting stance, right |
| DavidAndThePurceyCats: as far as I know!! |
| SoggyInMilk: is "standing in that pit of syringes from Saw 2 except but they full of bull nut" a batting stance |
 | BestAndWuertzOfRaw: I’ve got an idea, people love your stupid hair, why don’t you let them pick your next haircut |
| BestAndWuertzOfRaw: we can include all the racist choices like cornrows, afro or shaved |
| OnlyThePenningtonManShallPass: don’t forget the King Hammer tight fade with party lines!! |
| TheBrothersKouzmanoff: we could organize a Wooly Willy situation where we put metal plates in your head and allow fans to drag metal filings onto your scalp |
| SoggyInMilk: the sh*t is a wooly willy |
| TheBrothersKouzmanoff: trust me, it’s a good reference, and we already play in Woolworth’s From 1985 Stadium |
| DavidAndThePurceyCats: you could cut your hair like Jose Bautista, he tweaked his hairstyle last year and now possesses the mighty powers of a samson |
| SoggyInMilk: lemme guess, he cuts his hair by rubbing a bunch a "balm" in it |
| DavidAndThePurceyCats: idk lemme jump on Twitter and ask him |
| SoggyInMilk: so what do the only 24 white people in oakland want me to do with my hair |
| TheBrothersKouzmanoff: as a white man of affluence I choose "short and kempt!" |
| BestAndWuertzOfRaw: i’m thinking a mohawk, but like a child’s mohawk |
| OnlyThePenningtonManShallPass: Ultimate Mullet, party in the front, party in the back |
| BestAndWuertzOfRaw: Pablo Sandoval’s hair, but platinum blonde |
| OnlyThePenningtonManShallPass: crew cut with Darth Maul horns and a Slipnot mask |
| DavidAndThePurceyCats: Jose says: "@REALACTUALdavepurcey make it look like a terrorists might" wait, that might not be him, I follow like eight different jose bautistas on twitter |
| SoggyInMilk: whoa that is offensive |
| DavidAndThePurceyCats: we have a different set of values in Canada |
| DavidAndThePurceyCats: for example, we might not laugh and clap our hands at a black man’s hair |
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com
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Seriously, the syringes are labeled “Changestanzatol”.
Best and Weurtz of Raw hahaha
OnlyThePenningtonManShallPass is an awesome screenname.
All this Bautista stuff is coming from the man who once told me that Brady Anderson just worked out a lot in the offseason.
i dunno man pumps n a bump was pretty cool i mean
BestAndWuertzOfRaw caused me to snort laugh, good job.
Crisp should change his first name to “Chia Pet”.
OnlyThePenningtonManShallPass – This one is even better when I say it out loud in my Sean Connery voice.
Crisp should go with the hi-top fade ala Kid from Kid ‘n Play.
More A’s dugouts please! This was fantastic.
I am quite a fan of the Wolly Willy idea.
I remember Coco Crisp back from the days when he was still called Covelli Crisp. Yeah. I’m underground.
he should straighten his hair and rock a mullet
I love the Dugout.
Tyra Banks just told me he should make it like a white woman’s hair so it will be the ideal of “pretty”
i always imagined that saw 2 syringe pit as the type of place bonds’ kids played in after eating at mcdonalds
I know it’s already been mentioned but “OnlyThePenningtonManShallPass” is a great screenname.
I’m not a mathematician, but when you plot Jose Bautista’s career stats into a line graph, the resulting line looks eerily like the smiling face of Bob Ley.
is “standing in that pit of syringes from Saw 2 except but they full of bull nut” a batting stance
Let me say it a third time – “OnlyThePenningtonManShallPass” is BRILLIANT.
“Full of bull nut?”
was “OnlyThePenningtonManShallPass” used before or is this his first appearance? I seem to remember it but maybe not. Either way it is fantastic.