It’s been almost six months in Internet time since Buster Posey went down to a debilitating “entire body” injury, and Giants fans want answers. Posey’s agent wants Major League Baseball to enact “Buster’s Rule,” a rule wherein players would no longer be allowed to crash into catchers in exciting home plate collisions. Of course, this rule change would instantly heal Posey’s leg, and he’d be able to get back into the starting lineup within days. Hopefully, this will happen.
Arguments and visual aids have been presented across the blogosphere, and now the only respected voice in sports, The Dugout, must make its statement. What follows is the actual transcript between commissioner Bud Selig and Jeff Berry, Posey’s agent and a man who is lucky I haven’t introduced the Quisenberry Challenge to With Leather yet. If you know a baseball fan and they have an opinion, show them this transcript and set them straight. Today’s Dugout follows.
The Dugout
| **Online Host** Welcome to the Major League Baseball Front Offices Chatroom. | |
 | BerryMeWithMyMoney: excuse me, Mr. Selig, do you have a moment? |
 | bud_is_wiser: No. Hold on. /makes the fat lady from Mob Wives minority owner of the Mets |
| bud_is_wiser: okay, what do you want |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: Sir, a true tragedy has taken place in Major League Baseball. |
| bud_is_wiser: oh sh** did they find out we don’t want any black players |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: Uh, no. A catcher has been injured after a collision at home plate. He broke his leg, tore ligaments. |
| bud_is_wiser: so |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: So? I think it’s an outrage. Ridiculous! I think we need to make a rule change. |
| bud_is_wiser: A rule change about what? Tell Ronny Paulino to roll his leg in some dirt, he’ll be fine |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation, sir. This catcher wasn’t a person of color. |
| bud_is_wiser: GASP christ son why didn’t you tell me sooner? Tell me he wasn’t one of the handsome ones. |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: I’m afraid so. Young, handsome, white, and playing for a popular team. |
| bud_is_wiser: oh dear god no, tell me it wasn’t… |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: It was. Our beautiful Buster Posey has lost his leg. |
 | BabyBuster: I’M A MONSTEERRRRRR |
| bud_is_wiser: oh well i was gonna say joe mauer, but i forgot he’s already hurt, but i mean OH NO NOT BABY BUSTER |
| bud_is_wiser: okay, tell me which rules I need to change and I’ll do it. |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: Nobody should be able to slide into home helmet or shoulder first in an attempt to dislodge the ball from the catcher’s glove. |
| bud_is_wiser: Done. If the catcher touches the ball it’s an automatic out and you have to stop where you are and run straight into your dugout. |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: Buster Posey must be allowed to wear an armored exoskeleton at all times |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: should Scott Cousins (just throwing out names here) try to initiate contact, Posey is authorized to let fire the suit’s tactile missiles |
| bud_is_wiser: Done. Oh, I’ve never seen an exoskeleton so little! That’s going to be cute! |
 | LesCousinsDangereux: now wait a minute |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: I think we all need to remember that the Giants are the most important thing in the universe |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: so please run extensive background checks on ever non-Giants player, so we can determine beforehand any Scott Cousins types who might only be knocking down Buster Posey to cause violence |
| bud_is_wiser: okay but, I don’t have to test them for drugs, do I |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: no, of course not |
| bud_is_wiser: whew, I was gonna say |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: oh, haha no yeah I don’t care about that uh, next rule, Scott Cousins should be detained and cornholed |
| LesCousinsDangereux: CORNHOLD?? |
| bud_is_wiser: This isn’t basketball, but I’ll see what I can do about the cornholing. |
| LesCousinsDangereux: look guys, I’m sorry I tried to score! I wanted to win the baseball! I didn’t think about how handsome the catcher was |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: or how white he was |
| LesCousinsDangereux: or how white he was, no |
| bud_is_wiser: He was an important key to the Giants success! You might as well have burned the Koran |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: I don’t think he’s sorry. I think he did it on purpose! Look at this graphic I made |
**Online Host** **Online Host** | |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: /
|
| bud_is_wiser: /squints |
| LesCousinsDangereux: yeah i can’t read any of that |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: the red line across your body and the text above it indicate your direction. The line at the bottom is the direction of home plate, your "supposed destination." |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: the yellow indicates a clear path to the plate clearly you didn’t want to score, you ran sideways several feet and shoulderblocked an unawares Buster, rendering him handicapped emotionally and professionally, possibly for the rest of his life |
| BabyBuster: /stands on one leg /forlornly eats ice cream sandwich |
| LesCousinsDangereux: this graphic is so f**king stupid the red line isn’t my direction, it’s the angle of my body. |
| LesCousinsDangereux: "His supposed objective" is just idiotic, and the "clear path" thing makes it seem like running into the catcher is something I made up on the spot instead of being an accepted play forever. |
| bud_is_wiser: hmmm /squints at graphic |
| bud_is_wiser: well I guess I can see both sides of the argument |
| LesCousinsDangereux: HOW CAN YOU SEE BOTH SIDES |
| bud_is_wiser: Buster, lemme get a look at that face. |
| BabyBuster: / |
| bud_is_wiser: argh, sorry, he’s just too handsome of a white little baby, I have to change the rules |
| LesCousinsDangereux: SON OF A /runs toward chatroom exit, plows through Eli Whiteside for absolutely no reason |
| **Online Host** LesCousinsDangereux has left the chatroom, Eli Whiteside is now on the DL for 6-8 weeks. | |
| bud_is_wiser: hey, do you want me to get him in trouble for that, too |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: nah it’s just eli whiteside who gives a sh:t |
| BerryMeWithMyMoney: so hey, when do you think those rule changes will actually go into effect? |
| bud_is_wiser: I’m going to make a call about it right now |
| bud_is_wiser: so probably never, because I’m bud selig |
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Buster, you’re such a pussy.
This is why we need The Dugout–to put important baseball issues into their proper perspective.
*runs through Dugout exit, plows into Eli Whiteside for no reason whatsoever*
I counted three Arrested Development references in here. Can never have too many of those.
EPIC finish.
“LesCousinsDangereux” . . . dig it.
And one Sunset Riders (SNES) reference! Ahh!
@latimagic – you’re my new favorite commenter for getting that. I thought it’d just be me and Central Florida News 13′s Mike Westfall.
When I am old and richer than God I am going to commission an oil painting of Buster Posey standing on one leg and eating an ice cream sandwich, and then I’m going to ask B to sign it.
And that’s why you don’t use a one-[legged] person to scare someone.
Baseball in 2D!
Glad to see Sunset Riders get referenced in The Dugout. Course when I was younger I at first thought he said “Hurry me with my money” which I know makes no sense but I was eight at the time.
And now I have visions of George Michael beating the shit out of his uncle Buster. You know, like in that one episode of Arrested Development. From the fourth season, remember that?
I don’t have time for an oil painting, but I could draw you a terrible cartoon of Buster Posey standing on one leg and eating an ice cream sandwich. I may do it anyways just because… well… Buster Posey standing on one leg, eating an ice cream sandwich.
Buster’s gonna come back next season with Pat Burrell and Aaron Rowand handing out bags for fans to wear on their heads.
This was great. Brandon, here’s a heads up on something the Dugout HAS to cover. Two days in a row earlier this week during the Tigers broadcasts against the Rays, Rod Allen mentioned that during an upcoming west coast trip Joe Maddon will be having a PJs game in which all of the players will travel on the bus in their pajamas. Also of note is that the players are REQUIRED to take part in a manditory team photo. I can’t wait to see how Farnsworth would react to this prospect in a Dugout version.
I wear an exoskeleton now. Exoskeletons are cool.
Must be detained and cornholed…
This isn’t basketball!… but we’ll see about the cornholing.
Genius.
Dear Dugout, please turn into a woman have have my babies.
I love it. Nobody even knew San Francisco had a team until seven months ago and now they’re “the most important thing in the universe.” It just goes to show you that in America, we’ll root for you but damn it if you win and become a little popular while doing so, we’re going to despise your ass. Win and likable? No, no, no…not on our watch.
That said, funny, funny stuff here. Well done.
I think we should throw Buster Posey into the ocean and then if he floats he is a bad catcher who should be banished to the independent leagues
The only way I could’ve laughed any louder was if Bud Selig finished his sentence with: “I’m Bud Selig, byyyyytch.” or something Chappelley similar.
Cara!
Muito bom isso!
LesCousinsDangereux: “His supposed objective” is just idiotic, and the “clear path” thing makes it seem like running into the catcher is something I made up on the spot instead of being an accepted play forever.
This is the best thing because it’s funny and valid.
Also Sunset Riders is without hyperbole my favorite SNES game.
@Ragingape – Sunset Riders is the bomb.
Hahaha this is really great. Really really great.
Well, first off, if we lose fringe players smashing violently into catchers standing two feet in front of the plate without the ball, then, clearly, we’ve lost baseball.
Second, so glad you uncovered that this is all about *race*. Such a deep and clever insight that somehow no one else has even thought to be remotely relevant to this issue. Racism is EVERYWHERE, kids.
And third, did someone who once played the Giants use drugs at some point? Wow, how come I have heard of this seventy nine trillion times already? Well, that’s really outrageous – the irrepsonsable Giants should have kept this mystery player clean, the way other teams kept Manny, Rocket, Pappi, Gagne, Sheff, Bret Boone, IRod, ARod, Guillen, Juan Gone, Cameneti, Kevin Brown, Tejada, Sosa, Big Mac, Luis Gonzalez, Chuck Finley, Velarde, Pettite, Brian Roberts, Jay Gibbons, Piazza, Sarge Jr, Rick Ankiel, Troy Glaus, Scott Schoeneweis, Wilson Alvarez, Termel Sledge, the Giambis, Betancourt, Rafael Palmiero, Jack Cust, David Justice, Mo Vaughn, Ron Villone, Paul Lo Duca, etc clean.