Best: Rey Mysterio
I fell asleep as last night’s main event started (I can only watch Kane wrestle so much before I black out), but upon watching it this morning (via completely legal means) I was reminded of how Rey Mysterio might just be the best pro wrestler of all time. I’m enough of an esoteric nerd to know he can’t make wrestling real like Jumbo Tsuruta did, and he doesn’t perform on the “grandest stage” like Shawn Michaels did, and he couldn’t put on a four star match with a broom like pre-Undead Nightmare Ric Flair could. He sounds like he should be living in a pineapple under the sea when he speaks. But as far as “pro wrestling” is concerned, is there anybody else who can do what Mysterio does?
The guy has been a fantastic in-ring performer since he was 14-years old. He revolutionized the state of junior heavyweight wrestling in the United States, and (no matter what the Internet says) was a big reason why WCW and Nitro were so popular in the 90s. He showed up in WWE seemingly at the twilight of his career, then made an entirely NEW career for himself, adapting to WWE style better than the Bryan Danielsons of the world could ever hope to, getting swoll (twice, if you count that thing with the No Limit Soldiers) and winning a World Heavyweight Championship. He’s won nearly every accolade you can win in wrestling, and at 36 he’s still bumping like a freak and putting on exciting matches, all within the boundaries of the WWE’s Made Movie. He’s just great at pro wrestling, and outside of Jushin Thunder Liger I can’t think of a person who has done more in as many places for this long.
Also Best: Alberto Del Rio
But you already know that.
Worst: I Don’t Write Best and Worst of Smackdown, So Here’s Where I Complain About Christian
What am I supposed to say? The video package where they faded into Optimus Prime grey every time Christian was about to get pinned was great. I think if they’re going to smoosh the brands back together, putting the title on Orton for an iconic Cena vs. Orton title unification match at SummerSlam (or whenever) is the right move. I’m not the Internet, you know? I don’t really know how to say what I’m feeling. A wrestling title change hasn’t made me mad since Homicide took the ROH title off of American Dragon, and I find it hard after all the David Arquettes and hastily-pushed mid-carders with consequence-less title runs to get as upset as most. Do I think Christian shoud’ve lost on Smackdown? No, of course not. I don’t even think Edge should’ve helped him win it.
Chris Jericho tweeted about how people are overreacting, because this is probably just the first part of a bigger storyline. First of all, I’m disappointed in Chris Jericho for saying “storyline.” Second of all, yeah, I would believe this was the first chapter in a longer story if WWE Creative could write a pamphlet to completion without accidentally setting their offices on fire. So this is where I’m at: I’m willing to see where this goes, and hopefully Christian will get something positive out of it. At least now he can show up at indies when he’s 50 as “former World Heavyweight Champion Christian.” If he doesn’t? I’m going to write about how mad I am, a lot.
I’m willing to go to the papers if I have to.
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“Dolph Ziggler starts swimming around in it like he’s some sort of perverse Jersey Shore Scrooge McDuck. I made a joke about Ziggler looking like Evan Bourne with his new haircut, but no, last night he looked like f**king Tigger. All he needed to do was hit the Zig Zag on Santino and yell THAT’S WHAT ZIGGLERS DO BEST!”
…every single part of that is hilarious.
Another hilarious Best/Worst, especially early on with the trope examinations.
“Imma kick your cat” is a reference to Jay-Z, if you didn’t catch it. Justify My Thug, I think.
Starting a petition to make WWE Champion Archibald Peck a real thing.
The faces everybody else in the ring made while Truth was doing his “hospital food” speech were great. The Miz legitimately looked like he wanted to interrupt him and ask what the hell he was rambling on about.
“I Don’t Write Best and Worst of Smackdown”
You should. You’re good at this stuff.
btw… you think Truth’s stuff is scripted, or do they just say… “grab the mic and be crazy”…?
@Mitch – I would, but we don’t update on Saturdays. I could do “best and worst of Smackdown spoilers,” but that’d be pretty assumptive. As for the Truth stuff, I think it’s one part “grab the mic and be crazy” and one part “Ron Killings isn’t sure how to insult people without cursing.”
I really enjoyed this but maybe that’s because I have always hated Kane.
A No Limit Soldiers joke! It’s my little brother’s birthday all over again!
So, who was Ricardo Rodriguez in CHIKARA?
@Brian – “Chimaera.” Hard to believe it’s the same guy. [www.youtube.com]
I was thinking the same thing when I saw Ziggler last night. He looked painful, and by painful I mean his tanning bed burn looked horrendous, and because his “new and improved Dolph Ziggler” facial expression makes him look like he just ate a flatbed full of John Morrison’s hospital food.
Also worst: why in the fuck did we have to watch Riley walk a mile and a half to get from the dressing room to the ring? If that was Truth he’d have stopped for a smoke.
Not only is the Miz from Cleveland rather than L.A., but he’s actually from Parma, which is a nice enough little suburb but chiefly a place where old Ukrainian men sit around in Denny’s and plot in their own language to take over the world.
A grand dismantling of a fairly ridiculous wrestling program, as always. Better than last week’s abortion though, I’d have to say.
it’s crazy when they have a guy like rodriguez (mediocre high-flier) and all they have him do is announce. reminds me of shawn daivari doing nothing with mohammad hassan doing all the work, and i’m pretty sure armando alejandro estrada was the same deal?
I want to remind Jericho that his only amazing storyline post-return was written by him and Shawn Michaels and had almost nothing to do with the howler monkeys in WWE Creative.
Brandon, you’ve disappointed me for the first time. I was expecting to read a “When a angry black man is talking, you shut it up” joke.
@David – I didn’t want to make him any angrier, I own a cat and love it very much.
Uh yeah, if I wasn’t married, I’d totally be a Beth Phoenix groupie.
Awww… I like Kane!
You have me actually interested in wrestling again. I tried to watch but your review is still more entertaining. Bonus for Fire Pro references. Which was your favorite Fire Pro? I played “D” the most and pretty much everything pales in comparison to its glory.
Anyone else notice in the segment when A Ri was talking to the Miz in the locker room, that his shirt was dirty? Then he barges out to call out Cena and his shirt is clean?
Little things like these make me realize that I should start paying attention to the NBA playoffs instead.
I would give anything to have Shawn Daivari back on my television screaming in Arabic. It’s possibly my favorite gimmick of all time…
A+ coverage of the wrasslin’ show!
See, what I like about your style overall, Bran-man, is that you drop in a Wire reference when appropriate, whereas a drooling moron masquerading as a sportswriter might craft an entire sports op-ed piece around quotes from The Wire. But that would just be crazy!
I was a fan of A-Ri’s endless walk to the ring. I bet Kevin Dunn was screaming “Gahdammit thish ish takin too long!”
Lot of sites are giving this Raw bad reviews, but I had a blast watching it. Squash match after squash match, followed by a cool main event.
Being in the business, I’ve gotta tell you, love these recaps. (and the Homocide/Danielson title change, wasn’t a fan when we did that either)
@Kyle – Thank you, that means a hell of a lot to me. People in the business reading the recaps and not thinking I’m full of shit is the best. And yeah, I knew the Homicide thing was coming when it happened, but I was so sad. I’m such a Dragon fanboy, you can see me on like a quarter of the DVDs during his title reign, screaming and cheering like an idiot for him.
Okay, that backstage segment between Miz and Alex Riley was giving off serious Smithers/Mr. Burns vibes. Will The Miz ever realize that A-Ri loves him?