Best: Bret Hart vs. R-Truth
…with a supplementary “worst” for the godawful jorts convention going on in the ring at the top of the show. Hilarious elderly stroke victim Bret Hart having a threatening conversation with assumed stroke victim R-Truth is currently the best way to start a wrestling program. Hart just dresses like Silent Bob and forgets the tropes of wrestling, yelling stuff over music and crowd reactions. Truth doesn’t know how words work but somehow paints them into these beautiful masterpieces of dialogue, yelling about how he WANTS HIS SON BACK~ and how “used to” is a “rooster from Brewster.” At least I think that’s what he said. I’m not 100% sure, I might’ve been in a coma.
The segment gets a second supplementary worst for John Cena’s lingering incompetence, sort of referencing how he got caned 30 times in the stomach at the pay-per-view 22 hours ago, but not really. He still sprints to the ring and slides in feet first like Evan Bourne. He’s saved by Truth’s condemnation of his coolness, which is completely true, despite the fact that it is being said by a screaming invalid. YA SEE, I USED TO THINK THAT WINS AND LOSSES DIDN’T MATTER AS LONG AS YA GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANTED. THAT AIN’T GET ME DIDDLY SQUAT! “Diddly squat” is an instant best.
Worst: A Dream Sequence, Seriously?
Before you trick yourself into thinking I enjoyed this Raw, I need to remind you that Jerry Lawler and his best friends Josh Mathews and Michael Cole wondered what it would be like if Barack Obama gave a press conference about WWE Capitol Punishment, and then the SCOOBY-DOO FLASHBACK GRAPHICS HAPPENED and they went to some Jimmy Kimmel-quality doctored footage of Obama chuckling about John Cena and The Miz. When it was over, we Doo-Dream’d back to the announcers table, where everybody goes “heh, that would be something!” And we didn’t even get to the racist political cartoon poster, or the fact that the pay-per-view is called f**king “capitol punishment.”
The most embarrassing thing about any wrestling show is the dream sequence. When Zack Ryder is talking to Rosa Mendes and suddenly we are one with his internal fantasies, it’s bad. It’s even worse when we can see Bob Orton covered in hallucination blood or Ultimate Warrior preening in the mirror. In fact, let’s get rid of backstage fantasy completely, and have the wrestlers walk out to the set and talk to Bob Caudle if they want to talk.
Also Worst: John Cena’s Jump For Joy
the hell is this supposed to be
Come on, Cena, you’d never catch Randy Orton doesn’t something like
uh
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Nice Leaping Lanny Poffo aka The Genius aka Macho Man’s brother reference.
I was hoping they put the Tag Straps on Imperfect and Mr. Hudson because they were building towards Kharma and Phoenix going straight FATALITY on the other Divas and heading straight for the tag division. Yeah, silly me.
Imagining Michael Cole falling off of a scaffold made me giggle. Well done sir.
Enough with the wrestling. This is fast becoming exclusively a WWF site (or whatever it is now). This was fine when we were all 9, but let it go. There are plenty of a-holes to mock in real sports anyway.
@Scott – Sorry you don’t like it. With the exception of last Friday (which featured death), we’ve never had more than one pro wrestling post a day. “Fast becoming exclusively a WWF site” is exaggerating a little. For example, today we’ve also had a post about baseball, basketball and football.
Best: Dolph Ziggler bleached his hair.
@Scott
I don’t think you know what “exclusively” means.
Yeah! One reader doesn’t like it, so rather than that one reader not reading the site anymore, THE SITE SHOULD CONFORM!!!!1111111111111111111
completely with you on McIntyre – best match of the night.
Since when is less than 5% of the posts here about wrestling considered exclusive?
Derrick Bateman just directly referenced this article on Twitter. Which is pretty awesome.
Hmm I actually like the idea of Kharma and Phoenix going tag team. Anyways, I thought it would be a few more weeks before they screwed up Kharma(besides the new name). It’s only been what? 3 weeks? The most dominating woman in wrestling is crying in the middle of the ring after 3 weeks. And what happened during the commercial? Did they give her a group hug and she pouted her way out of the ring? Kong is not your average Diva(obviously) so stop treating her like she doesn’t matter. Also, she should wrestle. Sigh…
I could have sworn Truth said “I want my SONG back”, which kind of would have made sense.
I would rather watch a thousand Blitzkrieg matches than a WCW Ultimo Dragon match, how dare you refer to him so flippantly.
Also, the Macho tribute was 1000x better with The Scientist rather than whatever song they have here.
@Probably – You’re right, I linked it without realizing they’d changed it. Fixing it now.
The thing about that Kharma segment that bugs me the most is that Gail Kim was right there. Couldn’t Kharma wreck her and then have a nervous breakdown?
I’ve been on the Drew McIntyre bandwagon for a loooong time. Go back and watch his Superstars match with Evan Bourne from last week.
Awesome stuff. The juxtaposition of those Cena and Orton gif’s made me lose it. JORTS CONVENTION
You are also the first person I’ve seen point out the racist ass poster. I mean seriously, just look at that thing.
No wonder this guy is a fucking Cena fan…. he grew up watching WCW.
All my questions have been answered
@Pam’sRack – I’ve been nothing but negative about Cena the last few weeks, not sure how closely you’ve been reading. And don’t believe the revisionist WWE history of WCW, history has no greater wrestling than the NWA between 1984 and 1990.
Dude, if you stop at 1990 WCW, you leave out the Dangerous Alliance and Vader, and I know you’re not going to disparage Blitzkrieg, Vader and the Dangerous Alliance in one day.
@Probably – I like all of it (even the bad parts everyone agrees on), I just can’t say in good conscience that it was the best when Big Josh was around. Besides, I specifically name Vader and Stunning Steve as two of my favorites.
One point that was not touched on that was a best for me: Punk on commentary during the tag match. Punk blamed his loss to Kane and Show the night before on his having a fever of 120. Fantastic.
I don’t really want to shit all over Cena, but I’m thinking more and more that everything he touches is going to turn to shit. He got mixed up with the Nexus and it became terrible, then he did the same with Punk and New Nexus. Miz and Riley had a better segment with each other than the two of them had in four months of nonstop segments with Cena. So help me, if he ruins what Truth has going now, I’ll kill. Cena used to be good, not even that long ago, but as a great man once said, used to is a rooster from Brewster.
Punk attempting the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM and getting a Sharpshooter for it would deserve its own best if anyone on commentary had bothered to mention it. Something something Cole something something Jim Ross exclamation point.
@Brandon – My brain may be mushy but I think the old UWF ranked right up there with the NWA / WCW of that ERA.
@Brandon- PLEASE keep doing what you’re doing. I used to read WL once a week, and now I’m up to twice a day.
I don’t even watch wrestling, but as long as you continue to type lines like ” DON’T TELL LIES TO R-TRUTH THE BLACK WRESTLER.” and “Cole should’ve fallen into the mystery spot, or he should’ve bought a tennis racket and started following around antiquated Southern-style tag teams.” I will continue to read everything you write.
Also, I might start watching wrestling again. But I’m kinda worried your recaps are way more amusing than the actual events.
Thank you, Trent, I’ll do my best.
@Silver King – And we can’t forget early 90s joshi.
Seconding Trent. I’ve gotten into this weird routine where reading blogs about wrestling is probably more enjoyable than actually watching wrestling, and this is just great writing about a subject that I was keenly interested in for a few teenage years and has inexplicably kept going. Kudos for being a delightful bridge to a guilty “pleasure.” (Ha ha, just kidding, there is no pleasure allowed in Vince McMahon’s universe.)
1. I think R Truth is my new favoritist wrestler.
2. I agree with your assessment of Drew McIntyre, but my girlfriend doesn’t like him because he “looks like Marsha Brady.”