Best?: The Divas Title Match Was Better than the WWE Title Match
This isn’t a fantastic compliment, but the three-ish minutes of Kelly Kelly and Bella Bella was more accomplished and dynamic than Cena/Miz. Kelly took a pretty good bump off the apron, Extra Bella got in on a little Twin Magic (did Colin and Jimmy Olsen ever try this?), a finish happened. It was an average-to-poor wrestling match, which put it about third best on this card. Kelly’s got a little babyface fire in her, I’m telling you. She just needs to open her eyes all the way.
Worst: Where the Hell is Kong
I like the Kharma hides in the back on every episode of Raw, waiting for Divas to do something so she can take two steps, take off her extraneous cape thing, walk to the ring and kill folks. I don’t like that she takes the pay-per-views off. Where in God’s green name was Kharma, guys? You can’t antagonize Kelly Kelly for weeks on end, have Kelly compete at a pay-per-view (where people are paying to see what happens, nudge nudge) and not have some sort of advancement of or resolution to the story. Kharma comes out and beats up a Bella. She beats up Kelly. She beats them both up. Kelly breaks out a cell phone and tries to convince people that Kharma quit. I don’t know, something. Kelly gets in a dune buggy and drives around the arena while Kharma chases her. F**king ANYTHING.
Best: Ezekiel Jackson With 400 Straight Scoop Slams
This is the only way I’m ever going to enjoy Ezekiel Jackson. He needs to walk to the center of the ring, lift guys no matter what they try to do, and body slam them. They get up, try to punch him or whip him into the ropes, he no-sells it and body slams them. He should stand still and just scoop and slam until the guy’s back breaks or they have a seizure. Then, he pins them and his weird music with all the mumbly talking plays. Ezekiel Jackson!
Either that, or invest in some red tights and about sixty-five pairs of elbow pads for him to wear at once and call him El Hijo de Ahmed Johnson. I’m not kidding, Ahmed Johnson wore more pads than anyone in history. You could drop him from an airplane and he’d be fine. Which is funny, because they also caused him to tear eight muscles if he moved his arm.
Worst: Get Barrett Out of Here
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that Ezekiel Jackson has some cool looking scoop slams, and that Wade Barrett and The Corre need to back the hell away from him. Barrett has gone from being a main event splash to jerking the second match on a B-side pay-per-view against his own teammates. If I’m allowed to fantasy book for a minute, he and Slabriel need to reenlist Daniel Bryan and Skip Sheffield into the group and be a thing again. If I’m not allowed to fantasy book, the Corre should get shirts that don’t make them look like Hostess Cakes.
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Chavo is pretty rubbish at his job. It’s true.
Man I hope the announcer feud is over. I guess it was a different idea to turn the announcers on each other but it’s dragged on to the point where it’s irritating.
But did anyone get buttfucked?
I always thought Chavito missed the chance to become his own wrestler once Eddie passed. The whole Kerwin White deal was extremely lame but they returned him to his Guerrero namesake for sentimental reasons. Dude has no shot at being even a midcarder in WWE…he is light-years behind Vickie when it comes to crowd interaction and lacks the flair to keep fans engaged in the ring.
Back to Over the Limit…No Kharma = Bullshit! I was looking forward to her Implant Busting somebody, ANYBODY! Cole/Lawler is hopefully over, Ezekial is pure garbage, Ryan is greener than turtle shit and Nexus/ Corre must end! They have taken away from Punk. That’s it.
Oh. Christian brings the best out of a predictable Orton and hopefully we see the strap on him again.
Good writeup as always.
Chavo isn’t that bad. He’s serviceable. I agree that he shouldn’t be in marquee matches but he’s good enough to keep around.
Best strategy against Randy Orton? Pull Inoki vs. Ali and just lie on your back and kick the hell out of his legs.
@Vince – No, unless you count the people who paid $50 dollars to watch it.
The WWE Divas Championship belt is dumb-looking. I have a pitch: a male wrestler wins the belt by accident and is forced to carry it with him to matches.
“…and the NEWWWWWW!”
“No!”
“WWE DIVAS Champion… Cody! Rhodes!”
“NOOOOO!”
Then he’s gotta defend it, because he doesn’t want to lose, but he’s embarrassed that he has to carry it with him to all of his matches and is introduced as the Divas Champion (“I’m a MAN!”). He’s constantly getting attacked by women backstage. It writes itself, really.
Nice of you to (sorta) end the article on a high note at least.
I haven’t seen the show yet so can’t comment on this too much until then but I will say that this is a highly entertaining read as always. I was saying to my friend yesterday “I imagine Cena/Miz and Orton/Christian will be decent”…I guess one out of two isn’t bad. I can’t wait for Cena to get good again…
Oh and the part about R-Truth and the names of his finishers is amazing. It’s also funny to me that Truth does that suplex into a stunner thing as a regular move and then always has something lame as his actual finisher.
I’d rather watch women’s soccer than read about wrestling.
@essequemodeia – Thank you for clicking through and taking time to comment anyway!
“Truth and Consequences” isn’t a terrible name for a finisher. But overall, yeah, move names are not his strong suit. The no-music entrance is great, though. It’s a simple way to really set a guy apart from other heels — look at the Mr. Backlund character or Kozlov’s old Russian minimalist entrance.
These get better every week, B. I look forward to them during my afternoon super special bonus break I give myself at work after lunch.
I would pay $40 dollars to watch Kelly Kelly in a dune buggy chased by Kharma.
“I’d rather watch women’s soccer than read about wrestling.”
Thanks for the comment!
I’m glad I actually forgot that this PPV was even on, because I’m 99% positive that reading this recap article in five minutes is more worthwhile on several levels than three hours of supposed professionals being paid to entertain.
They should forget about the “Shut Up” and let R-Truth do the suplex-stunner as his finisher. They can call it the Truth Commission and bring in Luc Poirier to manage him, purely for the seven people in the world who would get that joke.
Re the picture on page 4: when did Little Guido become a referee?
@AudeSapere
I was wondering the same thing about Little Guido. Was Sal E. the time keeper?
Sometimes it feels like CM Punk is the only guy in this company who likes professional wrestling.
It might just be the IWC’s bullshit getting to me, but turning Christian may backfire on the audience. Christian is the beloved underdog, Orton is the 8-time champion who’s been in the spotlight for what feels like two decades.
I liked the part of the I Quit match where Miz just smoked Cena about 15 times in the guts with the cane. The rest of it was like I was being caned. Holy fuck. Do the writers just force Cena to watch an endless loop of Hulk Hogan comebacks and say, “Like this, but 8 to 10 times faster.”
Also, Orton should demand that he wrestle no one but Christian until Summerslam, and threaten that if this demand is not met, he will go to the papers if he has to.
But Ahmed Johnson needed the pads because of Faarooq’s Gladiator Helmet!
Brilliant, Brandon.
Did any of the guys blow each other this time or just a bunch of rubbing and touching?
You know, I’d think a guy with the name “mulsimsRpigs” would think pro wrestling was awesome.
@muslimsRpigs
Yep, they finally did!
@AudeSapere
Ah, the Truth Commission. The dark days of the “Gang Wars:.
@Brandon – The Dr. Wagner reference was great.
Thanks for watching the train wreck for us.
I think Cena and Orton should both stop wrestling, and just be awarded every victory, because we all know what’s going to happen.
BTW, Ezekial’s “weird” music is the Brawl-For-all theme, which WWE gives to every large, imposing guy who really doesn’t do very much.
Miz: Do you quit Cena?
Cena: No.
Miz: I’ll kill you and your family. Just give up Cena!
Cena: No.
Miz: I killed the Macho Man. I will do the same to you. Will you give up?
Cena: No.
Miz: Do you want fries with that, Cena?
Cena: No.
This just in, Cena is a terrible egomaniac who will not let himself ever be interesting. You can’t blame the suckocity of the Cena/Miz match on Miz. When Miz first showed up, he was bad, but there was always that little something there that said he can be good, great even. And I think he has done that. The problem now is the Shit-ass writers that WWE is employing. Seriously, I bet you go into any of their homes and they have a fucking shrine to Cena up, with hearts and unicorns and their names written in flowery script saying “Mrs Tom Cena” or “Mrs Tom Jones-Cena.” Seriously, I’m so fucking BORED of Cena right now. He was enjoyable to watch…5 years ago. Now it’s more formulaic than imitation tit milk!
Know what’s a great idea? If you see an article you totally aren’t interested in, clicking on it anyway and reading it. Make sure to post a comment, too; otherwise we won’t know what a great time-waster you are.
Also, I LOVE THIS ARTICLE SO MUCH.