WWE Over the Limit results

On Sunday night, I attended my first ever Major League Soccer game. FC Dallas took on Real Salt Lake (pronounced “ree-al” and not “real,” because Europe?). After 80 minutes the score was 0-0 and the match was called for rain. It took me almost four hours to drive home. What I’m trying to say is that 80 purposeless minutes of a sport I barely understand followed by a lightning storm and four hours in a car in the dark listening to my girlfriend’s iPod of Saves the Day songs was better than the match I’m going to write about.

In case you missed it, WWE presents Over The Limit, a great pay-per-view to have on the weekend when one of your all-time greatest stars drives his car into a tree and dies.

Worst: The Best of I Quit Matches Mix Tape

The only thing that separates these columns from the riff-raff of the Internet is positivity. You read something on 411 Mania and it’s just forty paragraphs of “this sucks, this sucks, this sucks” and one of “this was f**king awesome,” they give the show a 9 out of 10, and that’s it. I like to think the reason you enjoy reading me is because I can find something joyful in even the worst episodes of Raw, because the reason we’re still wrestling fans in 2011 is because of how much those little flashes of light mean to us. Wrestling now, as it has always been, is 2% fantastic and 98% unbearable crap.

That being said, Holy Mary Mother’a God, the I Quit main event between John Cena, The Miz and Alex Riley’s continuing sense of impropriety is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen in my life. Okay, so you know how John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band is a masterpiece, and how easy it is for some teenage girl with no life’s context to sandwich “Working Class Hero” between two My Chemical Romance songs because that’s her idea of how music works? That was Miz/Cena. They performed the Randy Orton “Passion of the Cena” I Quit match from Breaking Point in 2009 and tried to work in the finish to the Rock/Mankind I Quit from Royal Rumble 99. The problem is that wrestling matches should have a logical beginning, middle and end, and you can’t just collage them together and expect them to work.

And on top of THAT, you have to actually DO THE WRESTLING MATCH for it to work. To quote Progressive Boink’s Justin, Cena/Miz was like the wrestling version of real media player in 1995.

*one second of wrestling*
DO YOU WANT TO QUIT?
*one second of wrestling*
DO YOU WANT TO QUIT?
*one second of wrestling*

I don’t even really know where to go with this, as we haven’t even gotten to the fact that Cena got double-team tortured with sticks and belts for twenty minutes only to pop up, land about one-and-a-half belt shots of his own and toss on his finisher for the easy, flawless victory. It’s like WWE got tired of reading about Cena on the Internet two weeks ago and decided to make him actually do what you think he does. At least Hogan looked sweaty and frowned when he’d been beaten up for twenty minutes.

It’s just… my criticism doesn’t mean anything, because I’m using entire warehouses full of logic WWE never intended to consider. The bottom line is that the match was positively God-awful, and at least four-out-of-five single-celled organisms could respond to the stimulus in such a way to agree. Everyone involved can do better. Should do better.

Worst: I Do Not Ever Want to See This Again

And I really don’t ever want to see this again. I don’t know if Miz has a problem performing in clutch situations or if Cena hates him in real life or something, but no amount of good TV matches is going to translate to a watchable Cena/Miz pay-per-view match. I don’t care if we fast forward ten years and Cena has gone to Japan and become Jumbo Tsuruta, and Miz has gained forty pounds and started brainbustering people like Tenryu. Don’t put them in another PPV match. Ever. Book Cena against David Flair, put the Miz in a handicap match against a Bella Twin and Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer. I don’t care. If you book Cena vs. Miz on another pay-per-view I am taking at least four weeks away from your product to avoid radiation poisoning.