I was talking with Nick the other night, and we determined that the most forgotten team in baseball is either the Toronto Blue Jays or the Houston Astros. Sometimes they’re moderately good or bad, but never enough for anyone to take notice. At least the Pirates and Royals can hang their hats on being perennially awful. At least the Brewers have Prince Fielder. At least the Blue Jays… are in a different country, which is sort of interesting. So Houston it is. Did you know that their coach is named Brad Mills? Liar.
I thought it would be nice, then, to shift the Dugout’s focus to Houston. This Dugout contains every single thing I know about the 2011 Astros. Find name-brand quality at store-brand prices after the jump.
The Dugout
| **Online Host** Welcome to the Houston Astros Chatroom! | |
 | GeneralMills: so hey guys, i figure we ought to have a team meetin, talk about how we been playin |
| GeneralMills: you know, just odds an ends stuff |
 | FigueroaSpeech: why don’t we ask Brandon Lyon, he’s “odd” and he’s at the “end” of his career |
| GeneralMills: now hey now i know you’re just jokin round but we oughta |
| GeneralMills: hey where is brandon |
 | JRR_Towleskien: Oh, he’ll be back. He just had to run to the supermarket. |
 | JeffVersusTheFulchino: the what |
 | DrHallBillsSingAlongBlog: the what |
 | Aneurysm: the what |
| FigueroaSpeech: the what |
 | i_crapped_my_hunterpence: the what |
| JRR_Towleskien: The, uh, the supermarket. What’s the big deal? |
| FigueroaSpeech: hahaha you’re seriously the first person i’ve ever heard say “supermarket” in real life |
| JRR_Towleskien: That’s what it’s called! |
| DrHallBillsSingAlongBlog: no, it’s called a “grocery store” |
| i_crapped_my_hunterpence: Or “the store,” that would be fine |
| JeffVersusTheFulchino: like, people who say “I’m going to the grocery” are really weird, but not nearly as weird as you |
| i_crapped_my_hunterpence: Yeah, I mean, I’ve heard “I’m going to the supermarket” before, but it seems like something probably said on PBS in the 1980s |
| FigueroaSpeech: right. sort of how people all used to say “smorgasbord” in the 1980s and now NOBODY says “smorgasbord” for any reason |
| JRR_Towleskien: I say smorgasbord! |
| FigueroaSpeech: looooool check out this motherf**k |
| FigueroaSpeech: “hang on guys, i have to go buy a smorgasbord at the supermarket” |
| JRR_Towleskien: That isn’t how smorgasbords work |
| i_crapped_my_hunterpence: seriously dude what is wrong with you, what makes you such a weirdo moron |
| JRR_Towleskien: It’s not weird to call a grocery store a supermarket! “Supermarket” is one of the least weird things you could call a grocery store! |
| Aneurysm: there are like… 32 things you could call a grocery store that would be less weird than “supermarket” |
| JRR_Towleskien: Like what? |
| Aneurysm: /glares |
| Aneurysm: /deep breath |
| Aneurysm: “grocery store” “grocery” “the grocery” “the grocer” “the greengrocer” Any store brand that’s used generically, like using “Kroger” to refer to every grocery store “the swell folks at the grocery store” “the swell folks at the grocery” “God’s lunchbox” “the Kentuckiana area’s #1 grocery destination” “the Kentuckiana area’s #4 grocery destination” “Fort Food” “the market” “market” “the mart” “mart” “Father” ummmmm |
| JeffVersusTheFulchino: wait, I can come up with some, uh, ok |
| JeffVersusTheFulchino: “bed” “Koala Yummies purveyor” “my husband’s pantry” “the place that keeps calling me and asking me to pick up my three-year-old” “Bugles brand snack distribution hub” any preposition, such as “without” or “since” ok i’m stuck |
| JRR_Towleskien: Ha! See? That’s only 23. |
| DrHallBillsSingAlongBlog: “marketplace” “the marketplace” wordless shrieking “Utah dance floor” “The library, only for keeps and with food” “flavor central” “ground zero for quality foods at reasonable prices” “the freshness singularity” “the giant rectangular butt that poops out grocery carts” “Josh” |
| JRR_Towleskien: DAWWWWW |
| i_crapped_my_hunterpence: lol seriously, any time you say “supermarket” i think you’re a commercial |
| i_crapped_my_hunterpence: you say that and i just sit here and try to opt for the shorter version of you so hulu will play the 23-second simpsons clip i was trying to watch |
| GeneralMills: welp okay, good meetin you guys |
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com
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WTF? I still say “supermarket,” but after reading this I might start saying “the giant rectangular butt that poops out grocery carts”
Also, I bet MagicWandy (Rodriquez) calls it the “supermercado”
“DrHallBillsSingAlongBlog”. God am I glad the band is back together.
Welcome to the vernacular, “The library, only for keeps and with food”
I’m gonna stop by Josh, need any milk or anything?
As an Astros fan, thank you for acknowledging our existence. I was about to tell Hunter Pence to run through another glass door just to get your attention.
Damn you Bois. If I get fired because ‘i_crapped_my_hunterpence” pops into my head and causes uncontrollable laughter during the CEO’s presentation later today I am going to HAUNT YOUR DREAMS. And ask for food from the freshness singularity.
Admit it: you had to look up all of these players. I LIVE in Houston* and only know who two of these guys are.
*I know, I know: I should just get it over with and move to Austin.
Also: if the Dugout keeps getting funnier with every post like it has been, you’re going to murder the internet and rape its corpse.
I am literally off to Fort Food right this moment.
Hey guys, remember the Diamondbacks?
No? Well, that settles that then.
(The Arizona Diamondbacks! Holding strong to irrelevance since 2003!)
A lot of times when I hear people get into arguments like this, they’ll look to me and ask “Do you say (A) or (B)?” And then I think about it and I’m not sure which one I say because they both end up sounding right to me.
“What’s dis place called?”
“This is I believes called called ‘Food libraries.’”
“Ah, a foods liibrary…”
IT’S CALLED A GROCERY STORE!
“flavor central” is what I usually call the 7/11 where I buy gum and Gatorade. What a fool I’ve been!
Very nice.
Ah, but what do you call it when you go to the supermarket/grocery store/food library/Josh, etc.?
“Food shopping”? “Grocery shopping”? “Nourishment procurement”? “Hal”?
You’ve opened up a whole can of worms here, Bois.
Don’t worry, UU, I call it a supermarket, too. :(
Freshness Singularity is my favorite.
/Food library
Do you ever wonder if teams decide to sign players based upon their names being perfect for the dugout? How else do you explain Aneury Rodriguez?
“DrHallBillsSingAlongBlog” is indeed awesome.
Ha loves these Dugouts Josh keep ‘em coming!
GD, that was a good one.
Also put me down for ‘the freshness singularity’, though I actually refer to it by its store name (e.g. Food Lion, Shoppers, Giant, etc.)
good
All of a sudden I can’t remember if I’ve ever heard anyone say the word “supermarket” out loud… I’m going to start using “the Kentuckiana area’s #4 grocery destination,” though.
Funny how one Mr. David Ruprecht disagrees.
Sweet. As an aside, there’s a Kroger here in Houston know as “Disco Kroger”
Also, @anthony: go ahead and move to austin. I’m happy with my Keep Houston Corporate! t-shirt
hahahah “the freshness singularity” is my favorite
My Houston Kroger has live music and it is the best goddamned thing.
I know the Dugouts are never about baseball, but damn, this one was REALLY not about baseball. Also, supermarket name #33, “where the booze is”.
Here in San Antonio (I know, I’m not any happier about it than you are), we only have one grocery chain, which restricts the number of jokes you can make. It’s called HEB, standing for founder Howard E. Butt; their motto is “Here Everything’s Better”, but I much prefer “Everything tastes better when it comes from the Butt”.
Which is all to say that I’ll be adopting “the big rectangular butt that poops out grocery carts” with a quickness.
Et maintenant un voyage au le supermarchet!
Damn, Dan beat me to the “food libraries” comment.