Jon Bois returns to The Dugout

HEY GUYS

Before Thursday, the only way baseball players got injured is by conditioning improperly and requiring Tommy John surgery, conditioning properly and requiring Tommy John surgery, kicking or punching inanimate objects in anger, or trying to iron a shirt while wearing it. You never actually break your leg playing baseball, unless you’re the Twins’ Tsuyoshi Nishioka, who did so during yesterday’s game.

As it often tends to do, the real baseball world tends to bend over backwards to accommodate serendipitous Dugout storylines. This is one of those times. In today’s Dugout, we are afforded the opportunity to check in with an old friend.

P.S. this is the first Dugout I’ve written in over a year. Happy to be back. If you’re inclined to hear me say more words about sports, you can find me at SB Nation, where I’m an associate editor, and Twitter, where I’m a jackass.



The Dugout

 **Online Host**
Welcome to the Minnesota Twins Chatroom!
LawnMauer: New Buddy Icons, bro!
ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: pfffffft
LawnMauer: That lady doing the team photographs was really nice. Did you get to talk to her at all?
ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: uh yeah i was like, "oh good, thanks for giving me a grey backdrop you idiotic lady"

it looks like i’m lying down on the surface of the moon

LawnMauer: Oh, it’s not that bad.
ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: i was like, "sure hope my fans don’t look at this picture and think ‘holy sh:t our favorite baseball has fallen dead while conducting a moon mission, we must recover his corpse and give him a proper burial’"
ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: then i started thinking about what would happen if you gathered up a bunch of minnesotans and told them they had to design some sort of spacecraft capable of bringing them to the moon and back
ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: you’d come back in a week and see that they seriously just knit a pair of wings out of yarn and tied them to a 1987 chevrolet celebrity
ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: they’re just standing in front of it and smiling at you like they’re real f***ing proud of it

miracle whip just smeared all over the windshield for no reason

ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: and then the lady took the picture
LawnMauer: That’s funny. I would have smiled.
ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: well i didn’t, it was literally an orwellian nightmare
LawnMauer: Jim, how’d yours turn out?
WordUpThome: THIS OL ROUND DOG COULDN’T STOP FROM CHORTLING AT THAT UNABASHFUL PHOTOGRAPHETTE
LawnMauer: What did she say?
WordUpThome: SHE SAID THAT THE FOOTBALL BO JACKSON AND THE BASEBALL BO JACKSON WERE ACTUALLY THE SAME PERSON AND THEN SHE TOOK THE PICTURE
 **OnlineHost**
Twins second baseman Tsuyoshi Nishioka has broken his leg. 
ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: lollllll how the sh:t do you break your leg by playing baseball
LawnMauer: Someone could have hit him in the leg with a bat.
ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: or someone could have hit him in the leg with a ball

that’s it, those are the only two things

WordUpThome: METEOR
ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: three things
LawnMauer: Well, we’re short a man. I guess we call someone up from the minors?
WordUpThome: HOLD YON HORSES
 

**OnlineHost**
Welcome to Minnesota Twins Triple-A Affiliate Chatroom!

WordUpThome: HELLO EVERYONE, JI
WordUpThome: JIM NEEDS YOUR HELP
WordUpThome: OUR COMPTROLLER OF SECOND BASE AFFAIRS HAS BEEN HIT IN THE SHINJO BY A METEOR
WordUpThome: DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO OPERATE A SECOND BASE
WordUpThome: HELLO
NietoMosquito: wull howdy!
WordUpThome: TOM NIETO IT SURE IS "NIET" TO RUN INTO YOU
WordUpThome: WHOSE HAY ARE YOU BALING THESE DAYS YOU OL BARN-HAND
NietoMosquito:  ol’ mr. tom was just gettin’ some shut-eye! pleased t’see ya!
WordUpThome: I SEE THAT YOU ALSO HAD YOUR 2011 PHOTO TAKEN IN FRONT OF THE BERLIN WALL
NietoMosquito: heh!

/stretches, gets up from a crudely-arranged half-dozen Dora the Explorer-themed nap mats

NietoMosquito: wouldja believe they don’t make nap mats in grown-up sizes? told th’salesman at th’wal-mart that they oughta make a hefty tom-sized nap mat what got the one-an-only Rochester Red Wings on it!
NietoMosquito: (they didn’t know who the Rochester Red Wings are but like ol’ tom always says, "pobody’s nerfect!")
WordUpThome: WHAT
WordUpThome: OH LOL

WordUpThome: /looks at watch

IT’S NEARLY 5 P.M. AND A COSBY SHOW, WHY COME YOU WERE SLEEPING

NietoMosquito: gotta get a coupl’a winks in ‘fore th’baseball game an’ after m’gig at the magic marker stand at th’mall!
NietoMosquito: i get t’sell these neat-o markers that’re invisible ‘cept when y’put a black light on ‘em! they sure are swell! they even set up ol’tom with a stand in the middle o’ th’mall so i can hawk m’wares!
WordUpThome: THAT SOUNDS SWELL, OLD JIM MAY STOP BY AND PATRONISE YOUR MARKERED STAND
WordUpThome: MARKERS ARE THE ONLY WRITING IMPLEMENT THICK ENOUGH FOR MINE HAMBONED HANDS TO GRASP
NietoMosquito: wull
NietoMosquito: wull um
NietoMosquito: wull, um, see, figured i’d take a little lunch break, step outside an’ feed th’ducks for a few minutes, y’know!
NietoMosquito: went outside an’ sat down an’ took some bread an’ saltine crackers outta m’knapsack! fed th’bread to the duckies an’ munched on some crackers for a bit!
NietoMosquito: then ol’ tom went back to his marker stand an’ some no-gooders stole ‘em all!
NietoMosquito: but it’s like i always say, ain’t a good excuse not to go to work! gotta make th’most outta every day th’good lord gives ya!
NietoMosquito: so now i just stand there in m’marker suit next to m’stand all day. ain’t have any markers to sell ya, but i’m givin away smiles for free!
WordUpThome: I’M GLAD THAT WE ARE FRIENDS
NietoMosquito: heh!
WordUpThome: YOU’RE BASICALLY ME MINUS A CAPS LOCK BUTTON AND PERSONAL PROPERTY
NietoMosquito: welp! time t’get some grub ‘fore i start the day!
NietoMosquito: /takes ramen noodle seasoning packet out of improvised saran-wrap bag of ramen noodle seasoning packets

/pours into Dixie bathroom cup full of water

/drinks

WordUpThome: THAT ISN’T SOUP
NietoMosquito: wull it may not be soup, but it sure is–

/spills all over jersey

 **OnlineHost**
100% of Tom Nieto’s upcoming paycheck will be withheld due to dry cleaning costs.
NietoMosquito: d’oh turntables
WordUpThome: YEAH NEVERMIND WE DON’T REALLY NEED A SECOND BASEMAN THAT MUCH
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com