Paul Bunyan once hit a home run into Missouri

The Minnesota Twins always have great commercials, but they’ve outdone themselves by adhering to one simple rule: dressing Jim Thome up as things = comedy. To advertise their series with the Tampa Bay Rays, the Twins dressed Thome as Paul Bunyan to express how much Jim is getting into the “Minnesota thing.” This is one of those times, like when Barry Bonds dressed up like Paula Abdul, that a Dugout pretty much has to be a transcript of what actually happened. Because come on, how do you make that funnier?

The video of said commercial is included after the jump, and make sure you watch it before reading today’s Dugout. Or watch and read at the same time, as they’re more or less the same thing. Tomorrow: Manny Ramirez starts traveling around the country planting seeds.



The Dugout

 

**Online Host**
Welcome to the Twins Territory Chatroom!

 **Online Host**
Deep in Twins Territory, there’s a legendary story.
Of a man with an ox in the batter’s box; He hit one to Missouri!
 
CuddyerMak’er: /does spit take

WordUpThome: CUTTY

JOE

HOW IS IT GOING

Babe: wehhhhhhhh
LawnMauer: Jim.
CuddyerMak’er: Jim.
WordUpThome: JI
WordUpThome: JIM /manwalks down hallway
LawnMauer: Thome’s really taken to this Minnesota thing, aeh?
CuddyerMak’er: You bet’cha!
CuddyerMak’er: Wait, that was Jim Thome? I thought it was Carl Pavano.
LawnMauer: I thought it was a French rapist.
CuddyerMak’er: I was wondering what Al Borland from the hit TV program "Home Improvement" was doing in our hallway, I mean that’s why I spit
LawnMauer: I thought it was a guy from France who was going to try to rape the hell out of me
WordUpThome: SORRY GUYS I ALMOST OX’D OUT OF THE CLUBBED HOUSE WITHOUT REGALING YOU WITH THE STORY OF PAULED BUNYAN

WordUpThome: DO YOU REALIZE THAT WHEN PAUL BUNYAN WAS BIRTHED IT REQUIRED FIVE STORKS WHAT TO DELIVER HIM

HIS WEIGHT NECESSITATED THE USE OF ALMOST SIX BIRDS

CuddyerMak’er: how many birds would it take to pick up a normal baby? I mean, thinking constructively
WordUpThome: ONE BIRD ONLY NORMALLY, DON’T YOU KNOW HOW THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM WORKS
LawnMauer: I do, but please don’t show me
WordUpThome: WHEN A MAN AND A WOMAN LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH THEY PURCHASE A LARGE BIRD, AND
WordUpThome: OH YOU SAID YOU ALREADY KNOW
CuddyerMak’er: /drinks water, immediately spits it out
WordUpThome: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT PAUL FUNYUN YES/NO I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT HIM BEFORE COMING HERE TODAY
WordUpThome: FOR EXAMPLE ARE YOU AWARES THAT PAUL BUNYAN WAS THIRTY ODD FOOT OF TALL AND ATE A SELECTION OF LOGS FOR BREAKFAST
LawnMauer: those things are humanly impossible
WordUpThome: WERE YOU AWARE THAT THIS OX IS INCREDIBLY LARGE
Babe: hortt
WordUpThome: IT TAKES A MURDER OF CROWS ALL DAY TO FLY FROM ONE END OF HIM TO THE OTHER
CuddyerMak’er: are you sure, because he looks like he’s maybe five feet long?
WordUpThome: THE CROWS HAVE BEEN MURDERED HOW WELL DO YOU EXPECT THEM TO FLY
WordUpThome: WERE YOU AWARE THAT PAUL BUNYAN TAMED THE WHISTLING RIVER
WordUpThome: WERE YOU AWARE THAT HE BEAT THE STEAM SHOVEL
WordUpThome: WERE YOU AWARE THAT HE FREED THE SLAVES
LawnMauer: I’m not sure that’s true, Jim.
WordUpThome: PAUL. AND NO, IT IS, DON’T YOU REMEMBER THE UNDERGROUND RAILED ROAD, IT WAS SPEARHEADED BY MR. PAUL BUNYAN
WordUpThome: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE
LawnMauer: no
CuddyerMak’er: nah I think I’m good.
WordUpThome: OH OKAY WELL FOR MORE INFORMATION PLEASE CONSULT YOUR LOCAL LIED-BRARY /drags ox down hallway
CuddyerMak’er: so, uh, has Jim Thome lost his mind or am I on a ton of drugs

LawnMauer: at least you weren’t around when he started claiming patents on the cotton gin.

CuddyerMak’er: Oh well, he’ll be back in Cleveland before the end of the year anyway.
LawnMauer: yep
 **Online Host**
Meanwhile, down the hallway…
WordUpThome: ARE YOU DOING ALL-RIGHT BABE
Babe: blehhh
WordUpThome: WELL NO I DON’T THINK I LOOK ANYTHING LIKE CARL PAVANO
WordUpThome: DO YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME THINGS ABOUT PAUL BUNYAN THE LEGENDARY MAN
DeliveryMan: eeyah which way to the clubhouse?
WordUpThome: RIGHT DOWN THERE /does batting stance

DeliveryMan: oh, thanks

one time I asked Craig Counsell for directions to the clubhouse and ended up on the roof wandering around in circles

WordUpThome: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT PAUL BUNYAN THE FOLKISH HERO OF LORE
DeliveryMan: I have time for one Fun Fact and then I have to be going
WordUpThome: OH, PRESSURE
WordUpThome: OKAY WELL PAUL BUNYAN DID NOT HAVE A CHIN UNDER HIS BEARD UNDER HIS BEARD WAS A FIST
DeliveryMan: whoaaaa
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com