Best: Michael Cole Bleeds His Own Blood
It takes a sixty-year old palsied fat man to do what any number of employable pro wrestlers could’ve for instant career success — potato the hell out of Michael Cole, breaking your hand on his teeth and making him bleed from his face. When Ross started throwing those Rob Van Dam punches (you know, if Rob Van Dam ever punched anybody) I cheered. This is what the Wrestlemania match against Lawler should’ve been. Cole should’ve screwed around until Lawler grabbed him by his orange ass Chino Reyes singlet, thrown him to the ground and punched him in the face until blood occurred.
Of course, Jim Ross is sort of the Bad Luck Schleprock of WWE, so even this segment had to involved a prolonged humiliation, with (again) a sixty-year old palsied fat man being held up by the leg and whipped in the butt with a belt. JR should just show up to Raw next week with a dildo on his head and be done with it.
Worst: Michael Cole’s Stalling is a Meta Theme
The second half of Cole vs. Ross was satisfying, but the first half was some archaic Greensboro Coliseum nonsense that just absolutely does not work in modern WWE. Well, I don’t want to say that, it might work, but the stalling without getting beaten up thing is what Cole has been doing FOR LIKE SIX MONTHS. The “hold on, I need to take a time out, hold on, I need a stool, hold on” thing is a representation of every time Cole opens his mouth on the mic during a match to get himself over at the expense of everyone else. THAT is the stalling. When Cole enters a ring, it should involve swift, immediate violence, because we’re already to that point.
Stall when you need to stall, piledrive when you need to piledrive. Or hire somebody with a working index finger so the trigger can occasionally be pulled on SOMETHING.
Worst: Do You Remember the Animosity Between Michael Cole and Jack Swagger From Two Weeks Ago?
Yeah, me either.
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“Unstoppable WASPy goofball” is a phrase I need to use every day from now on.
If Punk leaves I will snap.
As much as I like Alberto Del Rio, giving Christian the belt and just letting him have 10-15 minute matches against whoever each week would be great. Christian vs. Ted DiBiase? Sure, I’ll watch.
Also I’m pretty sure John Morrison learned how to fight by watching a VHS of Gymkata, so cut the dude some slack.
ugh
Enjoyed the article tho!
@Phil – Which part are you ughing at? Is it the entire thing?
I am probably vastly over-thinking this, but isn’t unconscious sleep the same as conscious sleep? man, inception was a good movie
Brandon, I may be looking forward to your recaps more than the actual show. Keep it up.
“Brandon, I may be looking forward to your recaps more than the actual show. Keep it up.”
I may echo this sentiment.
As always, I’m a huge fan of this article and that’s without even seeing the show yet. Apart from last week, when I was probably far too positive about the show (mostly due to the novelty of actually getting to see the show live), I usually find myself agreeing with most of your WWE opinions. Mostly based around certain people (Layla, Cody) being awesome. Even if this wasn’t the case, I would still really like these articles for being the smartest and funniest you’re probably going to find.
The draft is pointless and kind of stupid (I still don’t really know if it’s meant to be random or if the Computer/Teddy Long pick people), but with the supplemental draft this year it does seem like they’ve moved a LOT of people around. Even if it’s the likes of JTG.
Also, it is stupid to have people so crazy when their brand wins a new wrestler, but on the other hand, that GIF is hilarious. I can’t stop laughing at Big Show especially.
Also hilarious – “Cena showing up means you’ve run into a brick wall, and not only a brick wall, a bright ass technicolor crayon red wall who keeps RUNNING AT YOU and screaming and killing you with 4-6 moves.”
What’s not hilarious is that part at the end if it ends up being true. Jesus…
Seems Cena could take a page from Jericho’s Man-Of-1,004-Holds…
Hold #7: Armbar.
Hold #8: Armbar.
Hold #9: Sunset flip.
Hold #10: Armbar.
There. He’s up to 10 moves already!
Also seriously why is my picture John Morrison from like 2007 and how do I change it? I fear that might get me lynched around these parts.
Ed and I had almost this exact conversation last night. Sheamus hates everybody and doesn’t have a friend in the world. Why is he desperately trying to eliminate Big Show from the battle royale? Why would he want the “mystery GM” to have more weapons at his disposal to mess with Sheamus’s quest to regain the championship? Doesn’t make any damn sense.
But yeah, excellent article, sending it to some friends now.
Daniel Bryan is going to be a wrestler on a wrestling show!
I think the idea is supposed to be that Raw and Smackdown are like WWF and WCW, and they’re all celebrating like they just signed Bret Hart. Even if you think Bret Hart is probably going to hit you with a steel chair, stealing a top star and raising the level of competition is good for everyone.
That isn’t what it’s like, but I think that’s what they think we’ll think it’s like.
Hopefully CM Punk would only take a Jericho-esque sabbatical and return in a year or so, since where else could he realistically go? He’s probably too big for ROH, he knows better than to get involved in the snakepit that is TNA
Maybe Punk will use his long WWE run and three World Heavyweight Championships to go to Japan, hang out with Hero and Cabana and be King Shit of Fuck Mountain.
I miss Norman Smiley.
I sure am glad The Rock is gone so people can agree with your opinions again, Brandon!
The Draft is always a weird time because Draft week itself usually sucks, but then the week after has the potential to get me really excited about wrestling (well, not wrestling, but you know) again. Last year I remember a single episode of Smackdown successfully turning Big Show from a monster heel into an incredibly lovable face and simultaneously cementing Jack Swagger as a downright loathed champion. Good storytelling is not hard when you use your talent correctly, and right now they have an opportunity to start fresh and do just that. Lord only knows whether they’ll actually go for it.
I have no need to watch WWE as long as I have your recaps, B. If Punk is let go, I have even less reason. The man is gold, how do you let that slip through your fingers?
Great article again. That is a seriously great picture of Cody Rhodes.
As far as Punk goes I love that he is not in the top 5 guys. He is a great veteran and exactly the kind of presence I imagine they want to always be able to groom a midcarder when needed. Being under the radar allows him the opportunity to do things like show up and guest commentate on Superstars for no reason and be the best thing that ever happened to Superstars commentary. He could never do that if he were main eventing all the time.
I want a lockout
Absolutely hilarious, every page made me laugh.
I’m not sure I remember the last time Alberto Del Rio wasn’t on Raw, so, uh, happy to finally have him on board.
Also, I’m starting to really get a kick out of the Zack Ryder signs on Raw every week. His YouTube videos are more entertaining that 85% of what’s been on Raw the last few weeks.
Bwah! Hornswaggle is doing the “Brendan Fraser point/clap/laugh!”
Somebody please edit him into that gif!
Actual Best: CM Punk giving Alberto a kiss on the cheek during their victory celebration, then Alberto laughing, smiling, and going to do the same.
This is some of the most relevant, on-point, and hilarious stuff that I have ever read about wrestling. Every week. There was a guy on Lethal Wrestling that wrote RAW recaps for a while. His sense of humor was very similar to yours. His articles were both informative and an absolute riot. So are yours. Please keep writing them every week. Or I’ll be pissed off.
P.S. I couldn’t agree with you more about Dolph Ziggler’s hair. I can’t even begin to explain how his Super-Cuts cut has killed his character for me…
@OhioMatt – Thank you. And hey, small world, I used to write at Lethal Wrestling (mostly when it was Lethal Injection). Whenever somebody brings up Wrestling Uncensored I get all nostalgic.
As much as I like Alberto Del Rio, giving Christian the belt and just letting him have 10-15 minute matches against whoever each week would be great. Christian vs. Ted DiBiase? Sure, I’ll watch.
Also I’m pretty sure John Morrison learned how to fight by watching a VHS of Gymkata, so cut the dude some slack.
4-6 moves? That’s pretty generous.
Here’s my count on commonplace Cena signature moves, assuming things like “headlock” and “normal punch” don’t count.
1. Diving shoulder blocks
2. Proto-bomb
3. Five Knuckle Shuffle
4. Attitude Adjustment
5. STF
6. Diving leg drop to back of head
If you add in the dropkick he’s started doing (and even if you take away the Five Knuckle Shuffle, as it’s mostly a punch), that’s a fairly accurate count.
compare him to any WWE wrestler and that’s the case. They all have 4-6 signature moves/spots they pull out in a basic match. Shouldn’t be a complaint Lionheart
Wasn’t Cole b*tching last week about R-Truth having to chug a bottle of water in the middle of a match? So what does Cole immediately do in the middle of his “match” when Swagger pulls out the ringside stool? #gdyc
good