Best: Michael Cole Bleeds His Own Blood
It takes a sixty-year old palsied fat man to do what any number of employable pro wrestlers could’ve for instant career success — potato the hell out of Michael Cole, breaking your hand on his teeth and making him bleed from his face. When Ross started throwing those Rob Van Dam punches (you know, if Rob Van Dam ever punched anybody) I cheered. This is what the Wrestlemania match against Lawler should’ve been. Cole should’ve screwed around until Lawler grabbed him by his orange ass Chino Reyes singlet, thrown him to the ground and punched him in the face until blood occurred.
Of course, Jim Ross is sort of the Bad Luck Schleprock of WWE, so even this segment had to involved a prolonged humiliation, with (again) a sixty-year old palsied fat man being held up by the leg and whipped in the butt with a belt. JR should just show up to Raw next week with a dildo on his head and be done with it.
Worst: Michael Cole’s Stalling is a Meta Theme
The second half of Cole vs. Ross was satisfying, but the first half was some archaic Greensboro Coliseum nonsense that just absolutely does not work in modern WWE. Well, I don’t want to say that, it might work, but the stalling without getting beaten up thing is what Cole has been doing FOR LIKE SIX MONTHS. The “hold on, I need to take a time out, hold on, I need a stool, hold on” thing is a representation of every time Cole opens his mouth on the mic during a match to get himself over at the expense of everyone else. THAT is the stalling. When Cole enters a ring, it should involve swift, immediate violence, because we’re already to that point.
Stall when you need to stall, piledrive when you need to piledrive. Or hire somebody with a working index finger so the trigger can occasionally be pulled on SOMETHING.
Worst: Do You Remember the Animosity Between Michael Cole and Jack Swagger From Two Weeks Ago?
Yeah, me either.