When not starring in massive blockbusters like Gulliver’s Travels and Year One, Jack Black is a huge Los Angeles Lakers fan. The Santa Monica native is regularly seen sitting courtside between his brosephs and DreamWorks CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg. Yes, friends, Jack Black is a true Hollywood A-lister and soon enough he’ll be regarded as a giant in Laker fan folklore, alongside Jack Nicholson and Leonardo DiCaprio.
Most recently, Black attended the Lakers’ 109-100 loss to the New Orleans Hornets, but he didn’t care so much about the loss, because, as I’ve already pointed out, David Stern will make sure the Lakers are in the picture. Always. So what’s a hilarious bastard like Black gonna do in the meantime? According to the Daily Mail, he’s gonna check out some hot cheerleader ass and make the people piss their pants with laughter, that’s what he’s gonna do.
Luckily, I’m a psychic mind reader and I was able to read Black’s thoughts during the Lakers game on Sunday…
Jack's inner monologue: “Dude, I am hilarious. Everyone f*cking loves me, bro-bros. Kung Fu Panda? That was the sh*t. Be Kind Rewind? Balls deep. Nacho Libre? La mierda, cabron. Life is good, dude. Life. Is. Good. Whoa, look at that girl’s ass. I bet I could, like, make a joke that is so funny that she would let me do her. I’ll tell her I was in Airborne. And Enemy of the State. Will Smith knows who I am. He’s like, ‘Yo Jacky B!’ and I’m like, Bang! Pow! Air guitar! F*ck yeah.”
Friend: “Hey Jack, I’m gonna get nachos. Do you want some nachos?”
Jack: “THAT’S RIGHT, PAL! I WAS IN NACHO LIBRE! A MOVIE THAT I MADE MILLIONS FOR ACTING IN! PEOPLE THINK I’M HILARIOUS!”
Friend: “Why are you yelling, Jack?”
Jack: "I’m trying to nail this cheerleader, dude. Don’t you ruin this for me like Kyle ruined Pick of Destiny."
Friend: “But everyone agrees that Kyle was the only funny thing about Pick of Destiny.”
Jack: “I AM JACK-F*CKING-BLACK! I WAS IN KING KONG WITH ADRIEN BRODY! HE MADE OUT WITH HALLE BERRY AND EVERYONE LOVED IT! NOBODY IS FUNNIER THAN ME!”
Jack: “Hey Jeffrey Katzenberg, I’m going to chew this gum so that cheerleader will make out with me.”
Jeff: “That’s great, Jack. So I was thinking about your ideas for Kung Fu Panda 3 and I just don’t think live action is the way to go.”
Jack: “Come on, J-Bergy, I could totally be like, ‘Ah so, me Chinese, me rikey bamboo and flied lice.’ People would eat that sh*t up!”
Jeff: “That’s completely racist, Jack.”
Jack: “But I’m Jack Black! People think everything I do is funny. Watch this… HEY JAPAN, WHAT’S SHAKING?”
Jeff: “Jesus, Jack, what the hell is wrong with you?”
Jack: “BANG! POW! ZAZZ!” *cartwheels into Pau Gasol’s knees, grabs Kobe Bryant’s crotch, air humps chair*
Jack: “So while you were getting nachos, I totally nailed that cheerleader.”
Friend: “Jack, you’re married. You didn’t nail that cheerleader.”
Jack: “Nah bro, I did. My wife was all like, ‘You’re Jack Black, man. You should nail that cheerleader.’”
Friend: “No she didn’t.”
Jack: “SHABBA BABBA DABBA!” *air guitars into split, farts, waves it at Chris Paul*