Wir mussen die Nation ausrotten!
Baseball has been a bit undersold at With Leather, so I’ve decided to take a break from nonstop webcomics and professional wrestling to remedy the problem. Unfortunately nobody likes to read about baseball, because it is boring and not football, so you kinda have to coax people into clicking the link and consolidate everything into concise blurbs, preferably featuring a 65 x 90 picture of Buster Olney. That guy really knows his stuff. Did you realize how important On Base Percentage is?
Anyway, Baseball is Boring is the column to read if you want to kinow what happened this weekend, but you don’t want to know badly enough to find out at a reputable news source. Also, you don’t want to Google “Barry Bonds steroids” in quotes.
Kinsler and Cruz break every record, all at once.
The Texas Rangers’ Ian Kinsler and Nelson Cruz made history by becoming the first set of teammates to homer in each of the first three games of a season on Sunday, closing out a sweep of the Red Sox. The duo set a number of records, because we live in a society that puts things like “most copies sold on Game Boy” in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Here’s the queick list: Kinsler and Cruz came into the game as one of only six teammates to homer in each of the first two games of the season, and Kinsler became the first player to hit a lead-off homer in the first two. Cruz’s homer was the second by a right-handed batter to reach the upper deck in right field at Rangers Ballpark. ESPN set a record by mentioning Cliff Lee for no reason in 100 of their first 100 stories about the Texas Rangers, and the Red Sox became the first team to make me laugh out loud in real life in 2011.
Should the Red Sox be worried about Tough Stains?
Da Nationz™ fell to 0-3 for the first time since 1996, a season that began 0-5. There are big stories up everywhere with sensationalist titles like “Should the Red Sox Be Worried?” Then you click on the title and it takes you to a one sentence blurb that says “of course not, there are 163 games left in the season, they are not going to go 0-163, what are you, stupid.” The Red Sox are off today, then will try to snap out of their funk starting Tuesday in Cleveland, which is sort of like trying to solve your sex addiction by hanging out in a leper colony.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/1245/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Johnny-Manziel-with-Davey-Johnson-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/bluth-frozen-banana-stand-yankee-stadium-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/jeon-jun-woo-willie-mays-hayes-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Wrestling-Fan-180x180.jpg)
I never undersell baseball. I just cry a lot when the Cardinals suck.
I totally agree with the statement, “Wir mussen die Nation ausrotten!”, but using a picture of Ian Kinsler to go along with it? Yikes.
Also, the more baseball posts the better.
Baseball isn’t boring but reading about people complaining about how boring baseball is IS. How painful is that sand in your vagina? Cause I really want to know about how boring that is.
Oh man, that’s a lot of words bunched up together. Nausea.
@essequemodeia – The actual text isn’t about baseball being boring (after the first paragraph), but if 10 year old South Park quotes are the best thing you can contribute, I’m glad to have your visit.
@Adult Strategy – Are you upset about paragraphs?
This is the first time a Weekend Update hasn’t made me want to kill Seth Meyers.
That has to be what a Scandanavian death metal video looks like.
Disregard comment, meant for Warming Glow’s “Game of Thrones” post.
Thank you for this! It’s informative and entertaining. I hope they pay you lots of dollars.
If remembering a ten year old Southpark episode that I haven’t seen gives you comfort in interpreting my remarks, I hope they pay you lots of dollars.
I really did laugh out loud a couple times. well done, Brandon.
Dude, Brandon is like the last person on earth who still likes baseball, I think you’re misdirecting your anger here.
I still like baseball.
@JS
Fair enough.
I like baseball too. But I also liked John From Cincinnati, so I’m not the guy to ask
Speaking of artlessly contrived television, I hope there’s a Wrestlemania postmortem coming
The “most copies sold on Game Boy” record belongs to Tetris, by the way. Unless you meant to one person, in which case it might be Pokemon Red to Manny Ramirez in a misguided effort to catch them all.
Even in this article, I can’t Cleveland’s SS’s name without pronouncing it “Ass-Dribble.”
YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN TALKING ABOUT CARLOS CHOOCH RUIZ DAMMIT…
…err, sorry. Caps lock got stuck.
A lot has been made of you bringing quality writing to pro wrestling news but it’s also great to see quality writing on the internet on baseball. May be half as rare.
I like baseball for all intents and purposes, but my team just decided to stop being woefully bad for the first three games of the season, so I don’t have to be ashamed of them for once.
Dude, did you hear the Phillies have pitchers? Pitchers who participate in professional baseball games? ZOMG.
Also, Higgs won this comment section. That cracked me right up.
Man, the Orioles really don’t have anything after Britton. Hopefully 2011 is a good one.
YOU WILL CALL HIM CHOOCH OR YOU WILL NOT SPEAK HIS NAME!!! CHOOOOOOOOOOCH!
darnit, someone else beat me to the excessively indignant exhalting of Carlos Ruiz. Oh well.
Like the old Baseball is Boring, but without me feeling like a jerk for spending 45 minutes reading a live blog that ended several hours ago. Keep up the good work!