Ryan Braun’s New Wife Has Many Suitors

On Friday night, a Milwaukee Brewers fan brought a sign to Miller Park reading “Marry Me Ryan” with her cell phone number over it. You have one guess to figure out what happened next, and the first three don’t count. The sign popped up on FOX Sports Wisconsin (which only shows Brewers games and reruns of “Step By Step”), and the poor lady got more than 200 calls and 600 text messages within the hour. If you watch the video above, you can learn slightly more information, and unlike literally everywhere else on the internet, I’m not going to spend a paragraph talking about how ugly she is.

The worst part of the story is that Ryan Bruan felt sorry for her and actually tried to call her, hoping to send her an autographed ball for her support, but she didn’t answer and her voice mail was full. Braun’s comment: “It wasn’t meant to be.” The comment made the Brewers front office laugh, so they signed Braun for additional 14 years.

Even Castro's ridge-hand could not defeat Pujols

Albert Pujols to Lose for Next 103 Years

In other hilariously unfortunate Ryan Braun news, Kris Hughes of the Fan Attic (fan attic… wait, I get it now) wrote an article suggesting that because of Braun’s monstrous extension, Albert Pujols is now the number one option for the Chicago Cubs. This would move Albert’s inevitable “Willie Mays playing for the Mets/Hank Greenberg playing for the Pirates” thing up by like nine years. Does it make sense for the Cubs to offer Pujols more than $30 million a year? They already had a guy who could hit 64 home runs in a season and it didn’t really help them. Would Pujols even play at Wrigley Field, where he looks like he’d rather be playing in a pile of horse sh:t?

It seems like the best option is for the Cardinals to just hand over that money, and for the Cubs to collectively jump off that bridge from Mortal Kombat and kill themselves on spikes.