Barry Bonds is on trial for perjury in one of the biggest sports story of the year (and of the last two years, and of the next three). Bonds played for the Pirates for a while, so unless you really want to read comedy based around “we signed some young prospects, and they’re hitting like .250 in single-A, so we’re just gonna wait and see how that turns out” you’ll have to take this as your Spring Training Dugout.
The truth about Bonds is similar to the truth about Clemens. I think they both knew what they were doing, but are so delusional after decades of being deified and conversely judged that they can’t ever truly or morally understand what they’re doing. I think Barry Bonds is the type of guy who goes to the bathroom, comes out, washes his hands, takes five steps down the hall and starts wondering whether or not he needs to go to the bathroom. He can just also hit 7,000 home runs.
Today’s Dugout follows. Your comments are appreciated, as long as they aren’t in the third person. Brandon Stroud hates comments in the third person.
The Dugout
| **Online Host** Welcome to the U.S. District Court Chatroom! | |
 | JerkNovitsky: I now present to you this stack of 900 sheets paper, with "Barry Bonds is on steroids" printed on each one |
| JerkNovitsky: I think you will find it incredibly informative and damning for this rich, black tyrant who must no longer be allowed to walk our streets |
 | GoldBonds: objection judge judy the court knows barry bonds rides a hoveround |
 | IllstonAstros: Overruled. And for the last time, I’m not Judge Judy. |
| JerkNovitsky: hey if you guys need it, I’ve got half a slice of pizza in a ziploc bag, Barry didn’t finish it for lunch, I dug through the trash, maybe you can use it?? |
 | Parrellegal: No further questions, your honor. |
| GoldBonds: whew finally time to leave |
| Parrellegal: The prosecution would like to call STAR WITNESS Steve Hoskins to the stand. |
| GoldBonds: objection, star witness? what does galileo have to do with barry bonds trial |
| GoldBonds: that was a joke, barry bonds is sorry please proceed |
| **Online Host** SteveHoskins has entered the chatroom. | |
| Parrellegal: could you please raise your right hand and repeat the following, "Barry Bonds did steroids." |
| GoldBonds: objection |
| IllstonAstros: …sustained? |
| GoldBonds: where in the bible does it say barry bonds did that, show me the receipts. yall treating barry bonds like job, like the black job, like a worse off than white job |
| IllstonAstros: ugh, overruled. And it’s pronounced "Job." |
| GoldBonds: that’s what i said, j-o-b job, like a job you do |
| IllstonAstros: no, "Job." |
| GoldBonds: you a bitch |
| Parrellegal: Mr. Hoskins, can you please tell us in which ways Barry Bonds did steroids, and how many pieces of evidence you secretly collected to prove it? |
 | SteveHoskins: Barry Bonds asked me to research a steroid! And I saw the trainer leaving his room with a syringe! |
| SteveHoskins: Barry Bonds and his trainer were in the closet doing steroids and I saw the steroids and then the steroids looked at me |
| GoldBonds: this the man from rodger the rabbit |
| SteveHoskins: he also left me a voice mail asking me to stop by the grocery store on my way home to pick up tortillas, avocados and stanozolol. |
| IllstonAstros: Stanozo? LOL |
| GoldBonds: objection how you gonna listen to the man from rodger the rabbit |
| Parrellegal: Mr. Hoskins, when Barry Bonds started playing baseball, he had zero home runs. How many did he have when he was done? |
| SteveHoskins: almost 800 |
| Parrellegal: and when he started playing baseball, he was as black as Melido Perez. Now what color is he? |
| SteveHoskins: bright orange |
| Parrellegal: and when he started playing baseball, his hat size was 7 5/8. What is it now? |
| SteveHoskins: almost 800 |
| Parrellegal: so would you say Barry Bonds perjured when he said he didn’t knowingly take PEDs |
| SteveHoskins: I will say anything you want |
| GoldBonds: objection, prosecution has no idea how black of a motherf**ker melido perez were |
| IllstonAstros: Sustained. |
| GoldBonds: /makes "call me" gesture to judge |
| GoldBonds: so is that all the questions or is jutch doom gonna roll out here an drop buster posey in the dip |
| IllstonAstros: We still have a long way to go. Did you lie about doing steroids? |
| GoldBonds: well yeah but whats that got to do with anything |
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Way more entertaining than the various SFG beat reporters’ tweets from the courtroom.
“Barry Bonds and his trainer were in the closet doing steroids and I saw the steroids and then the steroids looked at me”
The KingofPap is fucking dying here. Bravo, sir.
Well, Bonds is definitely wearing the right uniform–that Pirates hat always made me think of a old-timey prison get-up.
“SteveHoskins: Barry Bonds and his trainer were in the closet doing steroids and I saw the steroids and then the steroids looked at me”
Hooray for Ralph Wiggum references!
legitimate laugh out loud at the wiggum line, although i feel like you missed a chance to get a gob bluth reference in there
Why is it so easy for me to imagine Barry Bonds gesturing “call me” to a judge?
“GoldBonds: where in the bible does it say barry bonds did that, show me the receipts.”
I’d love it if medical marijuana dispensaries used sheets of the bible to print receipts on when that paper ran out as well.
Oh man, I’m crying right now, a Barry Bonds dugout makes me a happy man. Hosking picture, simpsons reference, size 800 hat. I am so happy right now.
Oh, and “you a bitch” When she corrects him on the pronounciation of job. Brilliant
I miss the striped Pirates hat. If they’re gonna keep sucking, can they at least do it in style?
Wait, how can Barry Bonds wash his hands AFTER he leaves the bathroom?
Oh man i missed the “jutch doom” line the first time around.
You were missed.
Good work. Dear god the Pirates are terrible.
Great jorb! I mean, great jorb.
Why does the paralegal look like Michael Scott?
Adam got to the real question before I got here. That seriously wrinkled my brain. So, The Everlasting Dave will merely agree that Melido Perez was one black mother****er. The Everlasting Dave is also considering changing his commenting name to “Bad eye Luis”.
RICKEY HENNERSON SAY BRANDON SROUDT BESS THING RICKEYHENNERSON EVAH DID
Awesome. This is the Dugout the Pirates deserve. If only Andy van Slyke could have made an appearance…
I hope the “show me the receipts” line is a reference to Whitney Houston–which brings things strangely full circle because when I was much younger, I always used to get Barry Bonds confused with Bobby Brown. Barry Bonds. Bobby Brown. Crazy drug use. Slightly overinflated sense of worth. Questionable 1990s hairstyles. Coincidence??!?
Bob Hoskins Ralph Wiggum impression is killing me. I’m not sure why “jutch” doom makes me laugh, but it does.
Every line was a hit here. Well done!
what i am trying to say is i liked the humor, tho usually i like my humor darker than melido perez
I bet old Barry Bonds hates young Barry Bonds for giving sportswriters something to wistfully remember.
Ha! Nice.
Between “the steroids looked at me” and head bee guy Kyle farnsworth, I’d read just for th obscure Simpsons references alone.
Steroids look at me all the time. It’s pretty creepy.
ok, i’m confused, is the dugout ending or not?
all of the objections should have been sustained! no one really knows how black of a mother melido perez was haha.
Best Dugout since the move? Definitely.
“It’s pronounced ‘Job.’” HA!
Also, I disagree that the paralegal looks like Michael Scott, but I think the judge looks like a nice plain lady who would be played by Maggie Gyllenhaal in the movie version of her life.
Rodger Rabbit?!
“Barry Bonds and his trainer were in the closet doing steroids and I saw the steroids and then the steroids looked at me” legitimately made me laugh out loud. Well done, sir.
“he was as black as Melido Perez.”
None more black
In other news the Pirates were officially eliminated from the playoffs.
(For the next 5 years)
Tom Gordon is way blacker than Melido Perez.
Brilliant stuff. Can we make the real trial as funny as this and televise it so that we can all get our muther fUcKING TAX DOLLAHS WORTH OUT OF THIS BULLhsit???
~ I was my tax dollars leaving and they looked at me on the way out my pocket.
Bueno. And Bueno has nothing to do with Barry Bonds.
Donut King say Barry Bonds plus Who Framed Roger Rabbit equals a winner.
Galileo! Star witness! Thanks again for giving me the giggles.
I vote we send Brandon our tax dollars
I’ll bet the Pirates are going to continue joining the Tonight Show in sucking as long as The Tonight Show since Jay Leno started hosting.
Ted DiBiase calls himself the Fortunate Son
I get to read The Dugout; I’m the fortunate one
Today’s kind of shows Barry Bonds some love
It talks about his steroids; not his bat and glove
Now he’s on trial and his playing days are dead
Scott Steiner’s muscles aren’t bigger than his head
We all know he shot steroids into his booty
Time to find him guilty for it, Judge Judy
Now instead of hitting balls into the crowd
Bonds is getting made fun of by the amazing Brandon Stroud
All of this would be funny in any kind of weather
Glad to get my Dugout fix on With Leather
Really glad that you made the switch
The guy at FanHouse is a son of a…
*Waits for crowd to finish the rap. Half yell, “Bitch!” and the other half wasn’t paying attention and yell, “Wan to play spies?”*
Nice work finding a judge and a lawyer with names you could make puns off of.
If I LOL at the “Stanozo? LOL” line, would that be a meta-LOL?
@Angry_Ed That wasn’t work, those are the actual people in the Bonds trial.