David Bowie's Diamond Dishes

From the illegal aliens working in the kitchens of baseball’s biggest stars comes “Diamond Dishes,” a cookbook written by the wife of the monstrous, colored-lenses troll who owns the Florida Marlins. It is also the worst David Bowie album ever. Of course, “writing a cookbook” is like producing a movie, or inking a comic book. You’re just taking a hi res picture of yourself smiling while putting a fork in your mouth and pasting it to the back of a bunch of recipes. I’ve seen the Screech’s Secret Sauce episode of Saved by the Bell, I know how this works.

And man, is there anything worse in the world than when baseball players try to be “human?” Like when they record albums? I know you don’t walk around your house wearing a gigantic plain pastel blue sweater, Travis Hafner, you wear Affliction shirts and Under Armour and this picture of you holding a pie isn’t going to convince me differently.

Today’s Dugout is about cookbooks, and why they are so awesome.



The Dugout

 **Online Host**
Welcome to the Florida Marlins Day Before Opening Day Chatroom!
LesCousinsDangereux: excuse me, mr. loria?
fLORIdA: what! what is it, can’t you see i’m busy pouring concrete onto this ant farm
LesCousinsDangereux: the season is about to start! The Mets are almost here, and we still don’t know what to do
fLORIdA: oh, sorry. hey, that reminds me. JULIE
LoriaStandards: yes my lord
fLORIdA: what was that stupid thing you wanted to do, you know, the thing that doesn’t help anybody. the thing anybody could do. sucks, starts with a c
LoriaStandards: write a cookbook

fLORIdA: COOKBOOK! write a cookbook, that’s it. lol

Marlin, help this lady who married me for some reason to compose a cooking book

LesCousinsDangereux: I don’t really get to eat a lot
LesCousinsDangereux: you don’t pay us so i’ve been sucking on this dry block of ramen since the beginning of spring training
LoriaStandards: what flavor
LesCousinsDangereux: regular
fLORIdA: "regular ramen block," there you go honey, great job, one or two more and that should be enough for a book
fLORIdA: here i’ll help, excuse me YOU SIR what is your name
InfanTerrible: omar infante, i play for your baseball team
fLORIdA: you do?? okay, i’ll bite, what do you eat for meals
LoriaStandards: what do you eat when you eat your meals
InfanTerrible: i eat mostly what i can find… scraps, leftovers from the dumpster behind palme d’or, government cheese stuck to double cheeseburger wrappers
InfanTerrible: scuse me are you gonna eat that cement
fLORIdA: yes
fLORIdA: this is going nowhere. what about you, what do you like to eat
LastOfTheMujica: dogce
fLORIdA: … dogs? that’s it, you’re really gonna say "dogs" as your answer
LastOfTheMujica: dog for food
fLORIdA: i’m sorry honeybun the only people i can find are marlins, go into the real chatroom and find actual players to ask
 **Online Host**
Later, in the MLB General Discussion Chatroom…
PujolJunkie: joo put in e’cup of chop onyon
LoriaStandards: uh huh
PujolJunkie: e’one tablespoo vegetable oil
LoriaStandards: uh huh
PujolJunkie: one tablespoo e’hyuman
LoriaStandards: of human?
PujolJunkie: no! e’hyuman. hyuman powder. for cooking, hyuman powder

LoriaStandards: human? human?

hu-man

LoriaStandards: /writes down "human powder" on Paul Frank notepad
ster_rod: WHAT UP GIRLIE JOO WANNA HEAR aRAH’S RESSIPY FOR NUTTERMILK PANGAKES
LoriaStandards: /looks around aimlessly

ster_rod: OR MAYBE MY CEASER SALIT, IT COMES WITH ITS OWN HEADSHOOT

BOOM, HEADSHOOT /

ster_rod: NOTHING COME BETWEEN ME AN MY KAIL
JetersNeverProsper: I can think of ONE thing! Lol. ^__^
ster_rod: LOL
LoriaStandards: /writes "gay pancakes" in Paul Frank notepad
LoriaStandards: lookame, i’m a real arthur!!
 **Online Host**
Meanwhile, back in the Florida Marlins Chatroom…
LesCousinsDangereux: But the Mets!
fLORIdA: here’s 20 dollars, give it to fred wilpon and you’ll win the game
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com