Snooki hosts WWE Raw.

The war to stock your pro wrestling show with the best available stars of Jersey Shore reaches critical mass tonight, as Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi guest stars on WWE’s Raw.  “Guest starring” on Raw means you stand in the ring, say “what’s up [town name],” and stand there smiling while they kind of cheer.

Competitor TNA Wrestling fired the first salvo (I don’t know what these phrases mean) by bringing on both JWoww and Angelina in two nonconsecutive feature roles.  To explain things analogously, Angelina is to Snooki as TNA Wrestling is to WWE.  There’s got to be a Venn diagram out there charting two big circles of stupid people and somehow proving this crossover necessary through formal logic.

WWE’s announcement makes her sound like a toddler in a tiara: “A native of Poughkeepsie, N.Y., Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is a reality television star who comes from a close-knit Italian family. Fun, outgoing, spontaneous, loving and loud are just a few words that describe this veterinary tech major, whose hobbies include cheerleading, shopping, tanning, working out, and of course always looking good.”  It’s certainly better than my announcement, which is “Snooki is a koopa troopa famous for being punched in the face and having stupid hair, and her fifteen minutes of comedy segment will take 25 seconds away from the already 70-seconds long Daniel Bryan match.”

I want this war to end.  I don’t want to put on Dreamslam 2 and suddenly notice The Situation retroactively cornering for Kandori and Sawai, looking for Victory Through Guts, Tanning and Laundry.