Stephen A. Smith, no one’s everyone favorite loudmouth, has finally found another home. You’ll never guess where he’s able to yell (even through the writing in his columns) now! I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with SchmESPN. STOCK UP ON SOME CHEEZ DOODLES!

For those of you who swore I’d fallen off the map and disappeared into oblivion, never to be seen or heard from again, here’s a news flash:

I never left. I haven’t gone anywhere.

Any questions? Please, pay attention! -ESPNNewYork.com.

If you keep reading the column, it’s written exactly like a Jay-Z song: full of shoutouts to things in New York, awkwardly worded at times and pretty arrogant. You know, I bet Stephen was actually listening to Jay-Z when he wrote this column. I heard he tried to use Nuance so that he could write while doing other stuff, but he blew out his microphone’s from shouting too much and also because he didn’t want to get his Cheez Doodle powder-covered fingers all over his keyboard. Do you get the joke? It’s because Stephen CAN’T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS VOICE AND HE LUH DEM CHEEZ DOODLES!

In all sincerity, Stephen A. Smith finally getting a mouthpiece he can use to scream about local sports problems is the greatest thing that’s happened on ESPN. I really hope they give him some segments on Sportscenter as well, because I would easily watch those over anything else on that channel at this point. You can be my replacement for the NFL, Stephen.