By now you’re probably caught up with the latest shenanigans of Charlie Sheen. Yes, we still call them shenanigans. It’s a nice umbrella term that captures everything from “walking in puddles without shoes” to “snorting five-figures-worth of cocaine out of a hooker’s buttcrack.” So, shenanigans.
Anyway, now that “Two And A Half Men” is on the shelf, perhaps for good, there’s one other project that might catch Charlie Sheen’s eye: Major League 4. It’s hard to think that Sheen’s career could get any lower than rock bottom, but I’m sure he’ll prove me wrong on that. The great ones always do.
Let me give you some other arguments that Major League 4 could, if not necessarily should happen:
- Bob Uecker is still alive. Barely. After two heart operations last year, Uecker plans to continue working as the Milwaukee Brewers’ radio announcer, a job he has held down for 40 years. I thought he was in great shape…I guess. Either way, he could pull a Peter O’Toole and perform a heart-warming death in the first scene. Remember Up? After a scene like that, everything will seem hilarious.
- The rest of the cast could come back for one or two scenes at the funeral, and then we can jettison them back into no-man’s land. Well, everyone except Lou Brown, played by the late James Gammon, but we could CG him in, urinating on Roger Dorn’s handwritten eulogy.
- The Cleveland Indians are “sh:tty again”. When the abortion known as Major League: Back to the Minors was released in 1998, the Indians had just won the AL Central. Now? The Indians suck. They finished 25 games out of first, and their best player was some guy named Shin Soo Choo. I couldn’t make that name up if you gave me all day.
- All Hollywood is making now is sequels. Hollywood has 27 sequels slated for release in 2011; the most ever in a year. The fact that 2 and 3 were awful would stop any rational person from making a fourth film. Such a person does not exist in Hollywood.
- The plot is already built in: Former major league pitcher tries to recover from drugs while the Indians need a new manager. Rick Vaughn takes the managerial job, relapses (spectacularly) and the team wins the pennant. Why do they win the pennant? They just do? It’s a perfect athlete story, although it sounds a lot like that Dewey Cox movie, and Steve Howe might sue for compensation.
I hope this movie gets made, if only so we can hear more Charlie Sheen stories. This guy needs to stay in the limelight as long as possible. It’s the only thing keeping my mind off Libya.
UPDATE: Of course, Vince is all over this, and the guy actually trying to make the movie says he won’t use Sheen. Obviously, his idea sucks and mine is totally better.