We’re late to this Toomer’s Corner business on the Auburn campus, but that’s only because I don’t really think of the killing of trees as news. I usually call that “capitalism.” Anyway, to make a long story less nauseating, some Alabama fan poisoned the two trees at Auburn’s famous Toomer’s Corner, said fan might go to jail for ten years and Auburn fans are really, really sad.

[Auburn trustee Jimmy] Rane, speaking to the Mountain Brook Chamber of Commerce at Birmingham Country Club, said the trees are “an integral part of Auburn” and that those responsible should be “prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.” –Birmingham News.

An arrest was made in the tree poisoning yesterday morning. Harvey Updike is a former Texas state trooper who allegedly has sons named “Crimson” and “Bear”. And if those weren’t silly enough, he’s now being charged with a Class C felony.

Auburn officials first learned of the poisoning on Jan. 28, when a caller identifying himself as “Al from Dadeville” bragged about the deed on the Paul Finebaum radio show.

“The weekend after the Iron Bowl, I went to Auburn, Alabama, because I live 30 miles away and I poisoned the two Toomer’s trees,” the caller said. “I put Spike 80DF in ‘em.” When Finebaum asked if the trees had died, the caller said, “They’re not dead yet, but they definitely will die.” –Mobile Press-Register.

The twin oaks are expected to die (Spike 80DF can stay in soil for as long as five years), leaving Auburn fans to resort to using their toilet paper for more conventional purposes. The bright side is that those trees are expected to die faster than any Big Ten tree could have. So there’s that.