In news that would make Pacman Jones’ legs buckle, Dallas area strip clubs are nearing panic mode as the Super Bowl approaches because they are desperately short on exotic dancers. According to TMZ, Showtime Cabaret currently employs 50 Porsches, Diamonds and Cinnamons, but they’re going to need another 100-120 Moniques, Desirees and Tigresses to meet the needs of Super Bowl fans, athletes, posse members, and the rest of the general pervert population.

In all, Showtime’s manager said that for the Nickelback and Buckcherry songs to keep playing, the city’s 60 strip clubs are going to need upwards of 10,000 additional strippers providing approximately 20,000 jiggly fun bags to meet maximum profit. Showtime and the other clubs are distributing promotional material (see next page) to attract girls who hate their fathers.

According to Showtime’s flyer:

“Ladies, are you coming to DFW [Dallas-Fort Worth] for the big game [Super Bowl] week? Want a safe, clean club to make the big $$$ [American currency] in? Close proximity to the big events! We are looking for only the best entertainers [picky picky] to fill out our roster [take notes, Miami Dolphins]. If you think you have what it takes, come see us. Selectively hiring [if you have tits, you’re hired] for both AM and PM shifts [depending on your cocaine intake].

If anything, the Dallas clubs need to take a page out of Tampa’s book. Back in 2009, Tampa’s delightful adult clubs were overbooked with women calling from all over the country. Hell, escort services were even offering 10 percent discounts.

But I think we’re going to find out in two weeks that this was all a big scheme concocted by Mike McCarthy. Ben Roethlisberger will arrive in Dallas and he’ll be out behaving himself, but then someone will point out a new strip club, “The Ladies Room”. He’ll walk through the door and into the back of a waiting truck that will transport him across the border. Nice try, Mike, but your plan is too transparent.