You know it’s going to be a great post when I start out with a dick joke in the headline! That’s the only way I’ll get you to read something about how poorly the Big Ten’s done in bowl games. What’s that? You love Big Ten ineptitude? Well, I guess we all found something we can agree on.

The Big Ten conference had an auspicious start in the postseason, with Iowa taking down No. 12 Missouri and Illinois killing Baylor. Big Ten fans got excited. “If this is an indicator of our bowl success for the future,” they said, “then I’m so pumped up!” (Disclaimer: they may or may not have said this.)

Then, it was January 1, 2011, and reality set in simultaneously while their metaphorical shit got ruined.

To start off, Northwestern lost to Texas Tech in a 45-38 game that could be best described as “HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH POINTS YET? HERE, HAVE SOME MORE!!!” Sadly, it was probably the best showing of Big Ten offense of the day.

In the Outback Bowl, Florida beat Penn State 37-24 in Urban Meyer’s “last” game as head coach, while Joe Paterno said, “Whatta pussy. Huh? Who we talkin’ ’bout again?”

Michigan got absolutely pooped on by No. 21 Mississippi State, losing 52-14 in a Gator Bowl that was only something you watched if you had to, or hated Michigan. There were still bragging rights despite the loss for a Wolverine fan, however; they scored double the points of their rival Spartans (more on that in second).

The Rose Bowl was the most entertaining game of the day (at least, for me), and No. 5 Wisconsin came just shy of beating No. 3 TCU, losing 21-19 after failing to convert for two points. During most of the game, though, I was too busy trying to figure out which Pokemon the TCU mascot looked like. (I think it’s Nidoran.)

Finally, in a 52-7 result, No. 9 Michigan State got destroyed by No. 16 Alabama in the Capital One Bowl, prompting a video that summed up the Big Ten massacre appropriately.

It was a New Year’s Day to forget for Big Ten fans. Their only last remaining hope is the Sugar Bowl, featuring No. 6 Ohio State against No. 8 Arkansas. It’s a good thing those Buckeye players aren’t suspended for this bowl game, or this would be an SEC blowout that no one would watch! And no one (NCAA) wants that, do they?