Last time we heard from Grandpa Munster lookalike Frank Deford, he was writing and blabbing for NPR about how trick plays are child abuse. Well that pales in comparison to his latest diatribe on behalf of his friend… The Duchess. Seriously, DeFord, call Kenny Loggins, because you’re in the Danger Zone.

Deford and his Duchess claim that Major League Baseball players lack etiquette in comparison to their other professional counterparts in the NFL, NBA and NHL because teams don’t shake hands after baseball games are complete. Instead, those ruffian ne’er-do-wells choose only to shake the hands of their teammates, a clear affront to all that is civil and non-bestial. Seriously, if Deford doesn’t own a collection of antique monocles given to him by famous cricket players, I will eat my own soiled dickey.

Set your DeLorian to 1907, Mr. Deford…

The Duchess concluded her letter to me, noting how especially curious it was, that while baseball players do not congratulate each other after the game, they’re quite convivial during the game. If a batter hits a double, he’ll be sure to pass the time of day with the opposition shortstop or second baseman.

Afterward, though, it’s only the winners who come out on the field and fist-bump each other.

“I wish the losers would at least tip their hats to their conquerors,” The Duchess concluded. “There is no reason why baseball players can’t be gentlemen, like others of the sporting persuasion.”

Yeah, why can’t Derek Jeter take his d*ck out of a supermodel long enough to wish Luke Scott luck with his conspiracy theories? I mean, it’s not like baseball players don’t spend two hours before each game shooting the sh*t with their opponents during batting practice. But yeah, it’d be nice to see more baseball players acting cordial. Perhaps they should just start postgame daisychains. Jump on in, fans! It’s a Major League mouth orgy.