PHILLIES UPDATE: Philadelphia is reportedly the front runner in a bidding war that includes the Kansas City Royals for Jeff Francouer. Bidding war. Francouer. Why did I even wake up today?

UPDATE: The Baltimore Orioles just traded for Mark Reynolds. He hit .198 and struck out 211 times in the NL West last season. In the AL East he may strike out in every at-bat. Your move, Expos!

When news of Jayson Werth’s amazing new contract came over the Twitters last night, I asked myself two questions – 1) How much did the Boston Red Sox give him and B) How could the Sox be so dumb? So I’m going to offer all my Sox friends a hearty apology right now because I really thought Boston would give Werth – a guy who has never topped 100 RBIs in a season and is now on the losing side of 30 – a ridiculous 4- or 5-year deal. Instead, I am tipping my sweat-stained St. Louis Cardinals cap to the Washington Nationals for giving Werth a 7-year deal worth $126 million. Seriously. Seven years. To a 31-year old. Never hit above .300. Only three seasons as a full-time starter. Had the luxury of hitting with Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Jimmy Rollins, Raul Ibanez, etc. Now, Ryan Zimmerman. Seriously. $18 million per year. Until he’s 38. Seriously.

All dismissive wanking and dumbfounding astonishment aside, I understand what the Nationals are doing here. They needed to make an impact move. They’re still the Montreal Expos and they’re still picked on and disrespected by everyone, including Baltimore Orioles fans. Imagine that you live next door to an unemployed night club DJ, and every morning when you leave for work he comes outside and throws an egg at you. I don’t even know what that means, but I assume that’s what it would be like to live in Washington DC and have to deal with Orioles fans constantly yapping about how it’s their town. Look, my logic probably makes little sense because I’m still three sheets to a Conference USA championship hangover, but I’m having a hard time figuring out how Jayson Werth gets a 7-year deal worth more money than what Matt Holliday makes. Seriously, he’s 31-years old. He struck out 147 times this past season. Adam Dunn is also 31-years old and he struck out 199 times last season for the Nationals. But he also has hit for more than 100 RBIs in six of his 10 MLB seasons. Yet he doesn’t get a new contract from the Nationals. Maybe I just don’t get sports. Maybe this whole life is a lie. I’m so lost and confused. Somebody hold me.