Iowa’s all-time leading receiver, Derrell Johnson-Koulianos, was arrested last week on four drug-related misdemeanor charges (three serious and one aggravated, according to Iowa drug laws) and since then the Iowa Hawkeyes football program has been crumbling like an eight ball at an ’86 Mets reunion. Almost immediately following DJK’s arrest for possession of marijuana and cocaine, keeping a drug house and unlawful possession of prescription drugs, Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz announced that the receiver would never play for Iowa again. Since then, two more players have added themselves to that list, while another key player was suspended.

With Iowa’s matchup against Missouri in the Insight Bowl fast approaching, the Hawkeyes are now without the team’s leading rusher, Adam Robinson. Initially, the team claimed that he violated unspecified rules but it has since been determined that Robinson’s suspension was due to academic violations. Also, RBs Jewel Hampton and Brandon Wegher will transfer. But according to school officials, this is all just one big coincidence. Even though they admitted there may be a teeny tiny problem with players cheating their drug tests.

“We did find pretty strong evidence that there are a couple of ways that our student-athletes have and probably have at some point gotten around the test in some way,” [Iowa athletic director Gary] Barta said. “That’s something that every drug testing situation, it’s almost become a cottage industry around the country, how do you beat a test.” (Via The Sports Bank)

You know how you don’t beat a drug test? By taking more drugs. And don’t ever let your dealer convince you otherwise. But Ferentz and Barta insist that there’s no scandal brewing, despite the admittance that players might be cheating on drug tests, and no additional players will be suspended for the bowl game. And that’s great news, says everyone in America as they slide Missouri to the top of their confidence rankings.