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I’ll come out and say it: I’m quite happy with my penis. I won’t be doing any porn any time soon, but it doesn’t look weird and my wife doesn’t laugh at me whenever she goes out with her friends. In fact, she usually has to hobble all bow-legged to brunch, unless I have a headache the night before. Hey, it happens. I’m not just a piece of meat, ya know.

Anyway, that was all just to set up this new line of underwear that’s supposed to make you wang look bigger. Bigger to whom is anyone’s guess, since if you’re that self-conscious about it, you’re probably not fielding many offer anyway.

“Now we have Spanx for Men that gets rid of the bulge where you don’t want it [spare tire] and enhances where you do! [referring to down below],” Blakely explained to us.

Available in briefs ($38) and boxer briefs ($48), the “breatheasy” undies are designed to enhance the south-of-the-border situation thanks to a “stretch-and-recover system” that expands when worn.

And then there’s the 3-D pouch, a, shall we say, very generously sized groin enhancer. Gird your loins, gals.Stylelist, via @on_ah

That’s right, ladies. Because we all know there’s nothing you like better than getting with a dude with push-up panties and a tiny pecker. I think if I had the choice between suicide and wearing these, I’d start looking for tall buildings with a backpack full of sleeping pills and razor blades. What can I say, I like to diversify.