Magic dancers

As the Orlando Magic opened their season last night in the brand new Amway Center, the focus wasn’t on the game so much as it was on all of the wonderful side stories going down at the same time. For instance, as ESPN points out, the story wasn’t about the Magic making a statement in their new state-of-the-art-arena as much as it was about top draft pick John Wall’s debut for the Washington Wizards. Other outlets have concentrated on Magic fans booing NBA commissioner David Stern, as if no other team’s fans in the NBA would commit such an act. And of course so many people are focused on the game as a warm-up for tonight’s anticipated first act* in the new Magic-Miami Heat rivalry. But they’re all so wrong, because only one story mattered…

Tiger Woods is back, baby.

The world’s most scandalous golfer has been a sideline fixture at Magic games for years, as he calls Florida’s nipple his home, but amid his adultery scandal, Woods was absent for most of last season’s games. He even received a much better welcome from the crowd than Stern, even though Woods wasn’t given the pleasure of a public announcement. But if he was, I imagine it would sound like: “Coming to the stage next we’ve got Cinnamon and Labial with their disappearing baseball bat trick, and also a special welcome to Tiger Woods!”

Tell us about this magical experience, USA Today… get it? Magical? *pulls rabbit from butt*


The world’s greatest golfer was in attendance for the Magic’s season-opening victory last night, his first trip to an Orlando game since his sex scandal erupted last November. Also on hand was David Stern, and the NBA commissioner termed the new arena “extraordinary,” “magnificent” and “mind-boggling.”

He probably said that, but all I heard was “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” But who cares? Tiger Woods is back on the scene, scouting for some poon and that means he’s going to tear it up next year. He’ll get an endorsement deal with Valtrex and end all press conferences with a girl showing off her golf ball trick. Finally, golf is going to be good again.

*Magic-Heat prediction: Heat by 21 with every player racking up 4 fouls on Dwight Howard, who only shot one of those awesome new jumpers we’ve been hearing about against the Wizards. Oh, and because I’m a homer, here’s the new Magic intro: