I’m playing in nine fantasy football leagues this year, so it stands to reason that I should parlay some of that time spent thinking about those “games” into something I can post each week and give you, dear reader, someplace to vent where no one else will. Nobody cares about your fantasy football team? I care. Sort of.
I like fantasy football. It’s one of the few things on this earth that I enjoy doing with other people. It’s one of those fun, silly things that brings people together and gives everyone an extra stake in the Sunday games. But it still has this nerd rep that it really doesn’t deserve. How could it still be so nerdy if all of us are doing it?
This column will soon have an awesome name, but for now, just bask in the anticipation. The anticipation is always the best part, anyway. That’s what Mother always says. Anyway, even if you’re too busy to read all of this, leave your own comments about your fantasy team after the jump so the rest of us can make fun of you for using a waiver claim on Matt Hasselbeck.
Gratuitous Recap Of My Gratuitous Fantasy Participation In Week 1.
DayQuil Fighter Of The NyQuil, BFL: WON. So I’m in this Blogger Fantasy League sponsored by P&G. You might know P&G as that one company that makes everything. And I guess they have too much money laying around, because they invited me and 11 other high-profile blogger-types into this fantasy league for the chance to win P&G products, a donation to a local charity, and a trip to Super Bowl XLV. And they’re paying for it! Oh, by the way, The NFL Entities have not offered or sponsored the sweepstakes in any way. I guess I have to mention that. Here‘s the Facebook page for the whole program called Take It To The House. Amazingly, nobody has been fired for putting this together. Yet.
ANYWAY, I was paired up with the Vicks brand, which is actually not Michael Vick Plural, but rather a brand of over-the-counter cold and flu relief products. Hey, SEASONS ARE CHANGING, PEOPLE! Hence the name and It’s Always Sunny reference. But I guess if it were always sunny, then nobody would ever get cold and flu symptoms. Maybe I’m overthinking this.
ANYWAY, I played Dan Levy in Week 1 and beat him by three points. Well, 2.46 points. Dan would have won if Roy Williams’ TD catch from the Sunday night game would have stood. I say that Dan deserved to lose for drafting Roy Williams, let alone starting him.
Bulletproof Sweatpants, JZFL: Lost. I’m in Year 5 of a keeper league that I run with friends from my first job out of college and from my wife’s graduate school program. It’s a solid group of some very fun and very smart dudes (and one lady). At least, that’s what I tell myself when I finish with four wins every year.
Some of you might know Brandon from my podcast. I actually played him twice this week. And lost both times. This was a 30-point blowout, and I can’t post his team name here, but it’s worth clicking through to find out on your own.
Whore Island Islanders, KSK Keeper League: WON. I beat Enrico from The 700 Level, a professed fantasy novice, into the ground with a 50-point drubbing. Enrico’s a Philadelphia guy, so he’s probably used to that level of abuse.
Ready Set Dogfight, UFSL: WON. This is an all-sports fantasy league that I’m doing for a second year now. I won by 30 against a guy I’m pretty sure I’ve never met.
Hey That’s My Camel, Rock Lobster League: WON. I had the genius idea of finding a way to jam another fantasy league into my schedule without burdening my waiver Wednesdays any further. In this league, we drafted 15 rounds, but we start everybody. No bench. No trades. No adds or drops. It’s a “locked roster” league, but with a much-improved name that also honors the B-52′s. Win-win.
Only two teams scored less than 90 points. I was not one of them; I won a shootout, 129-123, against some guy that I’m pretty sure crashed our league. My fantasy bouncers are coming to get you, Elisha’s Gash. [UPDATE: It's @PearlBullets. My b, Adrian.]
Box Lunch, Buy-Curious League: Lost. Online auction league, my first ever. Former WL contributor Amber Jones is actually leading the standings in this league, so obviously auction leagues are an absolute joke.
[Team name redacted], Purple Camo: WON. This is the only live-draft league I did this year, and it’s run by a big Baltimore Ravens fan. This is also the league where Sidney Rice went 17th overall TWO DAYS AFTER HE GOT HURT. If I don’t win this league I’m going to chug a bottle of VapoRub.* I am leading this league after doubling up the commish in Week 1.
[Team name redacted], Lazy Football: WON. I think this is the fifth year we’ve done a league with a one-transaction cap per week, but this year we only have six teams. Sad. I also co-manage another team with Brandon, and we won that game as well. Oh, Brandon. I knew you were good for something.
Fantasy Player That Decided To Take A Sick Day.
I had high hopes for Bills RB C.J. Spiller (and still do), but the Clemson product only had 7 carries in his team’s loss to Miami in Week 1. The Dolphins jumped to a 10-0 lead early on and never looked back. But Spiller seems to be slated to get the lions share of the carries.
Fantasy Football Video Most Likely Produced By Enemies Of The United States.
This comes to us from fellow BFLer Jerod Morris. I like Jerod Morris a lot. He does a great site and a great podcast, but after watching this video, I’m not sure that Morris is as “midwestern” as he says he is. Hey Jerod, was that shot of Beaver Stadium taken right before you flew an airplane through it?
Late Waiver Pickup That Sounds Kinda Batsh*t At First Brush. Packers running back John Kuhn is only owned in 2 percent of Yahoo! leagues, but he has value as an RB3 or maybe even an RB2, depending on how much you really hate your team right now. The injury to Ryan Grant will see that Kuhn gets more carries from scrimmage, and that’s in addition to his role as the team’s goal-line running back. Also: Mike Williams (WR, TB, 36 percent owned), Bo Scaife (TE, TEN, 8 percent).
More fantasy football next week. I know. I can’t wait, either.
*Only use VapoRub in accordance with directions on the label. Chugging VapoRub is bad and might compromise your judgement. Not “Start Roy Williams” compromised, but you get the idea.
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Dolphins-Aircraft-Carrier-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/alex-karras-george-plimpton-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/JR-Smith-Louis-CK-180x180.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/Edelman-and-Cooper-with-Bauman-180x180.jpg)
tl;dr (but i looked at the pictures! pretty.)
But I do have a question: Is McCluster a viable play over Santana Moss or Percy Harvin? Harvin laid a fucking egg last week, and we count return TDs so obviously there’s at least an outside shot of that from McCluster.
@OtherMatt I see a lotta downside with McCluster. If he doesn’t run one back, you’re basically fucked.
I’m really down on Santana this year, at least this early. I need more info on how the Shanahans plan to run that offense. But he’s still their No. 1 guy and the whole Viking offense played like shit last week. I’d stand pat if I were you.
I was confident that Hakeem Nicks was going to have a decent year this season and drafted him in the mid-to-late rounds. But I wasn’t confident enough to start him so he and his 3 TDs sat on my bench last week. I can already tell he’s going to be one of those guys that only performs when I bench him.
I’m in 8 leagues, already stressed out. Meanwhile, I started an all-girls league for my girlfriend and her friends, which of course means I drafted her team. CJ and Foster. Lights out.
You forgot the second, less prestigious blogger league where I am winning in all categories with The Gally Blog. So really, if Amber and I can dominate leagues, all fantasy must be a joke. I can barely read.
Anyway, I started Spiller in my money league at the flex spot. Then I also started Malcom Floyd. Who was on the bench…Hakeem Nicks. as a Guants fan, I am ashamed of myself and my anti-homer decision making.
I’m only in one league, so you’d think I’d be able to draft with a clue. I managed to draft three players with bye week 5 and three more with bye week 8.
In my defense, I didn’t actually draft Roy Williams. I picked him up in an 11th hour panic move before kickoff because I didn’t trust TJ Houshwhatever on the Ravens or Eddie Royal. Alex Barron can eat paint.
Is McCluster a viable play over Santana Moss or Percy Harvin?
Harvin is a little dinged up, but there’s no way you should sit Moss for McCluster. The Texans gave up a veritable shitton of points to WRs last week, and Santana is the only option the Redskins have.
Alex Barron can eat paint.
That would explain the mild retardation.
Look, it is not my fault that you or Brandon didn’t pick up Kyle Orton. Consider accepting the fact that I am F’ing amazing. Suck it.
@Logic shut your piehole, you little troll.
Thanks Punter and Otto. Basically confirmed my thoughts. Its my only money league this year, and I’m playing my sister this week. I would prefer to run her into the ground.
Direct snide comments re: my sister to your mom.
In one league, we re-order the waiver priority based on the inverse order of the league’s standings. I scored the lowest points in the league in week 1, and could have had Brandon Jackson handed to me. Problem was, I put my waiver claim in before they announced Grant was done for the year, so I opted to put in for Brandon Lloyd instead. Orton better throw to that sonofabitch 20 times a game.
@NJpanick Do you like that waiver system? Because I hate it. I think you should keep priority until you pick somebody up.
I’m only in 2 leagues, one’s a 14 person league in which the winner gets a free night at our local dive. Seeing as it’s 14 people deep, we started scraping the bottom of the barrel in the last 2 rounds and now I’m stuck with a shit team. It’s gonna be a sad season for The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers.
As for my other league, it was an auction draft league and after doing an acution I dont think we’ll be drafting any other way. It was fun, but it started off with one of our friends “accidently” bidding $185 on Chris Johnson and we followed it up by completely over paying for every player in the first 2 rounds, leaving 1 or 2 teams to scoop up a lot of decent players for $8-$12. Yes, we are rookies.
Oh and should I drop Shonn Greene’s fumbling, no catch ass? the problem is every one of our backs in the bar league are either back ups or 3rd stringers…
I own you, Punte.
Don’t drop Shonn. At least that’s what I’m telling myself in the fetal position under my desk.
Oh and should I drop Shonn Greene’s fumbling, no catch ass?
Bench him, but don’t drop him. He’ll work his way out of the doghouse soon, while LT will wear down and the schedule gets easier.
Sheeeeiiiit….. Hopefully he finds a lucky horseshoe and wedges it firmly up his ass, cause if not LT is taking that starting spot and I’m out some fantasy points.
What happened to the With Leather Survivor pool this year? Was I just not invited? Whatever you guys, my Mom says I’m a fine young man and anyone who doesn’t want to be my friend isn’t worth getting upset about.
Oh and I’m also stuck between starting Crabtree or Slaton in the RB/WR slot. Crabtree might get the ball more (if alex smith learns to pass to him instead of behind him) but they’re playing the Saints.
Everyone else thinks Ryan Grant is a pussy and should get back out there right? What do doctors know anyway.
Now I’m stuck with Jonathan Stewart or Sims-Walker at the flex
@NumberJohnny5: You’d be better off playing Steve Guttenberg in that flex spot.
Fuck all that, I’ll trade you Guttenberg for Selleck and I’ll throw in a fake mustache.
Fantasy Football is dungeons and dragons for the kids who used to beat up the kids that played dungeons and dragons
So what’s worse? Starting Roy Williams or starting Patrick Crayton with Hines Ward on your bench?
I’d go with Ward
Guttenburg may be good for a scrappy TD. I feel like Selleck brings too much sex appeal. Could be a distraction.
You think Selleck has more sex appeal than Guttenberg? You’ve clearly never seen the work the Gutte did with the Village People in Can’t Stop the Music.
Skip to 1:45 and bask in the sexy. Unless you’re straight.
Not masterbating to that would be impossible. I still have to go with Selleck. His body of work trumps Guttenbergs one shining moment.
Booty Shorts + Hawaiian Shirt + Tigers Hat + Stache = PIV Manginity Lost. It’s tough to argue with the math.
Magnum P.I. > Mahoney
The stats dont lie. You should bench Mahoney’s ass faster than Tom Sellecks stache grows.
Although….Guttenberg looked pretty jacked on roids when he was on Party Down. You might want to use him before the commish brings down the hammer.
Mike Williams from…. Syracuse University. He got totally dicked over by SU coach Doug Marrone. Should be a good pro. Give Tampa’s offense 3 seasons, they’ll be good with Freeman, Williams, and Benn out of Illinois.
FF question for you guys.
ESPN standard league, ten players, and here’s my team:
Rivers, AP, S. Greene, A. Bradshaw, H. Wald, Gaffney, DFC, Vikings D, L. McCoy, Forsett, TO, McFadden, Aromashodu, D. Henderson, and Brandon Jackson: plus a kicker.
I’m a little light on WR and heavy on starting RBs. I proposed this trade: Give TO, Aromashodu, and McFadden. Get Welker and Jonathon Stewart.
I figure I can sell high on McFadden and get a WR that I’ll never have to take out of my lineup. Fair trade/do you think I need to alter it?
/dick joke
//thanks
I actually took a step back this year. I’m only in 4. Last year I was in 12. I can’t remember the last time I was in under 8 leagues. I can’t bring myself to ask anyone else fantasy football questions. I know too much.
@Gnome: That’s a winning trade for you.
I’m offended at the lack of love that Emilio Estevez is getting in this thread. In his prime, he was unstoppable.
Good trade.
Did Estevez make a movie where he has a samurai guru, bangs asian chicks, spreads the american way abroad, and crushes HR’s? Did he drive a ferrari, hang with a black guy, ride around in helicoptors, live in paradise, and solve mysteries on the reg? Nope. Estevez coached the mighty ducks to a championship and made a movie about being a garbageman with his cousin.
Personally I prefer the sadness of failing in reality as opposed to the sadness of failing in fantasy.