jaredallen

It’s pretty common knowledge that Jared Allen is an awesome individual. The Vikings defensive end maintained his badassitude over the offseason, by traveling all over the country to kill as many things as possible. His favorite game to hunt? Bear, of course. Take notes, effeminate males everywhere.

“Oh yeah, I got black bear up in Idaho, I got a pure David deer down in Florida. I think that’s about all. Let’s see. Some coyotes and stuff like that down in Texas. But probably the thing I was most excited about was the black bear I got up there in Idaho.” –Game On

Unlike Oregon Trail, however, Jared couldn’t just leave what he killed lying around to rot. Brett Favre requires that him to use every part of the bear to thank its spirit for the bounty.

“Bears don’t smell too good. They’re full of ticks and all sorts of crap on their fur. But you just tie a rope around it and start pulling.” –Game On

“Tie a rope around it and start pulling” is exactly what I said to my girlfriend during our erotic asphyxiation phase. There’s nothing like a good choke n’ tug to start the day off right.

Apparently, Allen is looking to write the manliest cookbook ever published, letting the populous know how to effectively cook their freshly killed bear.

“Oh absolutely, absolutely. I’ve got a new cookbook coming out and we’ve got some bear recipes in there. A little braised bear. So bear, it ain’t too bad. It’s a little bit sweeter meat and it can be tough . . . A lot of people will put it in stew. So you’ve got to at least try it. That was the first bear I’d got, so you’ve got to at least try the meat and it wasn’t too bad.” –Game On

I bet bear meat is delicious, but without doubt the best part of killing a bear is having its skin adorn the floor of your study. I’m no scientist, but I think naked models are drawn to them like a moth to a flame.

padma_bearskin_rug

Bingo.