Langur_Monkeys_India

Last week, we discussed how some countries like New Zealand were threatening to pull out of the Commonwealth Games because of concerns with piled up garbage, soiled mattresses, collapsing bridges and roofs, and packs of stray dogs and other various animals. I know, total p*ssies, right? Anyway, India’s government told everyone to take a chill pill and trust them to handle it. And handle it they did, because they’ve brought in monkeys to protect the athletes. Pray for Mojo? No, pray for stray dogs.

Indian officials will use the langur monkeys to ward off stray animals, since they are territorial, protective and incredibly violent. That’s great news, and maybe at some point they can send the monkeys to medical school and give them little lab coats and stethoscopes so they can help cure all the athletes who contract dengue fever from the giant piles of garbage that they have to climb over to get to their piss-soaked beds. God I wish I had gone to India for Spring Break in ’01 instead of Cabo.

Make this sound even more awesome than it already is, Los Angeles Times:


India’s NewsX said that a single langur monkey can scare away a troop of 20 wild monkeys.

Wild monkeys are said to have been stealing food and attacking humans around the venues. Flooding nearby has caused snakes to flee toward the athletes’ village, with one competitor even finding a cobra in his room.

Attack monkeys! Floods! Cobras! This is like if Roland Emmerich directed a Michael Bay movie. Except it’s in the heart of Bollywood, so they’d have to get dancers. Obviously Channing Tatum would have to be involved. He could break dance and help save the tech center. *bowtie spins, cobra pops out of pants*

The Commonwealth Games begin in just a few days so make sure to tune into the action so you can see your favorite athletes from around the globe have their faces ripped off by violent langur monkeys.

(Thanks to professional monkey trainer Robopanda for the tip)