Yeah, yeah, we still have two games tonight, but we’re on a schedule and if I don’t get this up now, some of you will actually start working, and we can’t have that.
- Redskins 13, Cowboys 7. Tony Romo led a masterful drive at the end of this game that would have given the Cowboys the win, but a hold called on Cowboys tackle Alex Barron nullified Romo’s touchdown pass to Roy Williams. Penalty accepted. Game over. It’s funny, because usually the only thing needed to nullify Roy Williams is Roy Williams. And the gold pants were…something.
- Packers 27, Eagles 20. Michael Vick got the call after Eagles quarterback Kevin Kolb was knocked out of the game with a concussion. Vick amassed 278 yards of total offense and a TD pass, good enough for some media members in Philly to wonder if it’ll soon be back to the rape stand for Kolb. Andy Reid said no, and then clapped humorously while balancing a beach ball on his nose.
- Texans 34, Colts 24. Your grandfather just ordered an ARIAN NATION T-shirt that’s already a size to small (and it’ll shrink even more in the wash!) Texans running back Arian Foster ran for 231 yards and 3 TDs. And then he probably went home and took a nap, because that sounds like a lot of work. So if you were playing against Arian Foster in fantasy this week, sorry bro.
- Steelers 15, Falcons 9 (OT). Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall ran for 120 yards and a TD, much of which came on his game-winning 50-yard run in the extra frame. And you (yes you!) can still lose the coin toss in OT and win the game if your defense just gets a GD stop already.
- Seahawks 31, Niners 6. Pete Carroll is 1-0 in his return as an NFL head coach. Matt Hasselbeck threw for two touchdown passes, one of which he was asked to return to the NCAA.
- Titans 38, Raiders 13. Another big day for Chris Johnson: 142 rushing yards, 2 TDs.
Here are the rest. If your team didn’t make the list, kindly ask them to do something more impressive next week. Hey, we’re running a business here. We can’t just give love out to everyone.
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Dolphins-Aircraft-Carrier-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/alex-karras-george-plimpton-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/JR-Smith-Louis-CK-180x180.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/Edelman-and-Cooper-with-Bauman-180x180.jpg)
I was going to say something witty but Alex Barron was choking me…and I’m too busy still laughing at Dallas.
/REDSKINS!!!
Romo/Cowboys will stink it up this year like no previous year.
Jerry will go fucking crazier this year like no previous year.
Go Redskins!
Goddamn Matt Moore is awful. Eli might’ve thrown three picks too, but not really his fault. Also, Randy Moss’s press conference yesterday was classic.
Free Jim Zorn.
That fumble returned for a TD before the half was a wet dream for Cowboys haters. EP is still cleaning himself up.
Hello? You missed the biggest story. THE GREAT TIM TEBOW GRACED THE NFL WITH HIS PRESENCE. He is such a winner and he WILLED his team to victory* with his transcendent play.** Tim Tebow is already on the path to Canton***.
*-And by “victory”, I mean a loss.
**-And by “transcendent play”, I mean he was in for three snaps and carried it twice for three yards.
***-”Canton” is a gay bar in the Denver area.
Once again the Lions caused me to pre-ejaculate!
“And you (yes you!) can still lose the coin toss in OT and win the game if your defense just gets a GD stop already.”
.. Truer words, my friend, have never been spoken.
Also, wtf Arian Foster? I did nazi that coming.