SI Issue

A Florida man *long pause, sigh* was arrested this week after he went shopping at a local Walmart for a birthday present for his daughter. At least that’s what William Tyler Black told police after he was busted for masturbating in the toy section. How is this sports related, you ask, as your monocle falls into your martini glass? What, you don’t consider public masturbation a sport? Fine, he was masturbating to the 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

Released in February, the Swimsuit Issue is available throughout the year at places like Walmart, where you can’t buy an album with explicit lyrics, but if you’re really lucky you can buy an extra sticky Star Wars light saber. Black was busted by one of the store’s employees, and I assume that lucky minimum wager witnessed a whole new kind of rolling it back.

How exactly did this public skin flautist get caught, Smoking Gun:

A store employee told cops that Black “ejaculated onto the floor and wiped his hand on a toy along with rubbing his foot in the suspected semen on the floor.” Employees reported that Black “discarded the magazine behind some toys and proceeded to the front of the store.”

Black was charged with battery on a child, among the other indecent goodies, because between the mess on the floor and wiping it on a toy, it was safe enough to assume that a child would have eventually come into contact with the spunk. Even better, though, Black is a substitute teacher, so we can only imagine what he was using to stick stars on his students’ tests.