miketysonbeach

A happy Mike Tyson has decided that for the good of himself and the facial accessories of boxers around the globe, he’s decided to adopt a life of peace for the rest of his earthly existence. The 44-year-old former menace to society has turned his back on the vices that have haunted him for decades, alcohol and drugs, and will be devoting the rest of his life to helping sick children. Though for the record, if I was a sick child the last thing I’d want to see leering down at me with a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a thermometer is Tyson’s tattooed mug. If that ever happened he’d also need to bring a mop to make me comfortable, if you know what I mean.

Mike Tyson has ruled out any possibility of a return to boxing. Tyson spoke to a Kazakhstan paper and said there is no chance he will ever fight again. He squashed another rumor by telling the paper he doesn’t have any desire to become a trainer for other boxers.

“Overall, I’m in good shape, but my state of health prevents me from engaging in boxing. I used alcohol, drugs, but I’ve done away with all of those bad habits and right now I’m trying to strengthen whatever is left. I didn’t want to be a trainer. For this you need a special gift. It is unlikely that this will happen,” Tyson said.

“I do not consider myself a superstar, I just live. Today I consider it an achievement to help sick children. This is what I have really achieved in life. Everything that came before this no longer has any significance,” says Tyson. -Boxing Scene

Tyson, who has recently started a sparsely updated twitter page, proved that the words of pacifism he speaks are the truth by turning down a sparring session that Chad Johnson (I am NOT going to call him Ocho Cinco because that’s just tacky) proposed, saying, “It is no way you would leave a sparring session with me and look at me the same, because I am embarking on a life of pacifism and fighting brings out the lowest form of mankind for me.”

Who turns down an opportunity to punch that dancing buffoon square in the noggin?! I’m sure if the situation arose even the Dalai Lama, who I have on good authority is a huge fan of the NFL*, would have to think twice about unleashing fists of fury.

In all seriousness, it’s great to see Mike Tyson, who was most recently arrested on November 11th, 2009 after a scuffle with paparazzi, embark on a life of pacifism and community service. Hopefully he’ll be a great role model for other retired athletes who don’t know what they’re going to do with their middle age and beyond besides become an ESPN analyst like everybody seems to be doing these days. Will those idiots ever run out of jobs?!

*Note: For all I know the Dalai Lama couldn’t differentiate between football and hopscotch.