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UPDATE: Now with working video.

Things haven’t been going too swimmingly for the Seattle Mariners lately, having signed Erik Bedard’s injuries to a huge contract, trading away Carlos Silva and his wins for Milton Bradley’s crazy ass, and recently trading Cliff Lee to their division rivals, the Texas Rangers, because they can’t score any runs to win games. Luckily for fans, Seattle still has Ichiro Suzuki, a future Hall-of-Famer, outstanding hitter, and one sweet ladies man.

As the Mariners (35-53) dropped three games out of four to the New York Yankees over the weekend, a few sports anchors had a good time with a moment from Thursday night’s 3-1 Yankee victory. Chasing a foul ball into the right field seats, Ichiro bumped into a young lady and promptly apologized for it by touching her leg. The rest is one girl’s long, strange journey into womanhood.

 

True story: I was visiting my family in Bellevue, Washington a few years ago, and I was at a grocery store picking up some handsome cream, when I turned the corner and bumped into an Asian man. I immediately recognized him as Ichiro, but not because I think all Asian people look alike, you jerks. Anywho, knowing full well that he didn’t speak very great English, I just said, “I’m a huge fan, it’s a blast watching you play.” He smiled as if he understood me, and he softly said, “I am sexy bitch” and kept moving along. I later read in Sports Illustrated that his teammates taught him that as a routine greeting during his rookie season.