paulhaterSurpassing capitalism, the Washington Monument, talkative taxi cab drivers, having the United States exist as something besides a nuclear wasteland and washing machines (they promote laziness and lingering bacteria) in this week’s edition of ‘stuff Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadeinejad hates’ is our old World Cup picking buddy Paul the Octopus, whose psychic abilities have pissed off the one who is still trying to convince us he knows how to make nuclear weapons.

Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has taken a swipe at football-result predicting octopus Paul, labelling him a symbol of all that is wrong with the west.

Ahmadinejad has accused the octopus of spreading “western propaganda and superstition.”

“Those who believe in this type of thing cannot be the leaders of the global nations that aspire, like Iran, to human perfection, basing themselves in the love of all sacred values,” he said. -Mirror News

You hear that guys? If we are to strive for human perfection we need to STOP GIVING THAT STUPID OCTOPUS PRESS! You’re holding us back as a race, Paul! If I had spent all of the time I used on reading about Paul’s predictions on exercise I could have done, like, 70 sit-ups. Those wily cephalopods are making me fat.

I imagine Ahmadenijad must’ve gotten his hands on a three-week-old edition of the New York Times, saw a psychic Paul story and thought, “You know who gets off scott free in life? THOSE DAMN OCTOPUS’S, that’s who! NOT ON MY WATCH! If I can’t effect the lives of western civilization I might as well scare the shit out of their pets!”

I can’t figure out why he’s so pissed at us. Maybe they can’t figure out how to set up their TiVo’s. I’m pretty sure if we sent him some of our greatest assets such as a case of Arizona Green Tea, John Stamos and Where in the World is Carmen San Diego DVD’s he’ll change his mind real quick.