Paul

The sports world keeps taking hits today, as Paul the Octopus has announced his retirement from the World Cup prediction business. Paul will instead now shift his psychic abilities to other ventures, as his handlers will weigh a series of offers that the eight-armed prognosticator has received. The octopus was, of course, a perfect 8-for-8 in World Cup match picks, making him far more famous than any of his cousins currently performing in Japanese adult films.

According to CNN.com, the people at Oberhausen Sea Life Center in Germany, where Paul spends his days honing his craft, have discussed bringing in more of Paul’s kind to create an academy of psychic octopi, with Paul as the headmaster. The other option is to use him in commercials for a variety of goods. When asked what he wanted to do, Paul replied: “What every rich octopus wants to do – two chicks.”

However, with Paul’s fame comes a bevy of detractors. Octo-haters, if you will. But mostly we call them scientists, and these enemies of mysticism and the Insane Clown Posse are saying that Paul couldn’t possibly be a psychic and that he’s using things like smell and vision to make choices based on preference. I mean *snorts* am I to believe something so ridiculous?

Matthew Fuller, the senior aquarist at the Weymouth park, judged the flag-shape theory to be plausible: “[Octopuses] are the most intelligent of all the invertebrates and studies have shown they are able to distinguish shapes and patterns so maybe he’s able to recognise flags.”[15] Vyacheslav Bisikov, a Russian biologist, agrees that it is possible for an octopus to become attracted to a striped flag.[16] However, Pascal Coutant, director of the La Rochelle Aquarium states: “It’s complete chance that guides his choices.”[17] Source

Chance? Are you serious? The ‘pus nailed eight picks in a row in soccer. That’s not chance, that’s a damn gift, and I will not stand idly by while people try to take my man Paul out of the game. First they called Lance Armstrong a cheater, and now they’re calling Paul a liar. Is there no decency left in the sporting world?

(Tip of the cap to RoboPanda)